Notes

To, Seo Gayoung
my solace, my shooting star, my evening downpour,
my dear friend.

By the time you’re reading this, I’ll already be gone.

No, there’s no turning back.
You can’t stop reading now.

This is not a farewell letter. Neither apologies nor goodbyes would be written here. Instead, I will spill everything. All the questions, the stories, the secrets.

Young-ie, I want to start over.

Or was it called the start when everything has already ended?

To Gayoung, dear Gayoung.

You already know. You are the girl who has everything. While I … only have you.

you … you’re everything I got. Even so, I am thankful. Because of all these time, I’ve been thinking this space would be filled by me and me only. I thought I would be lonely, I thought I meant to be alone. But you barged in as walking disaster that you were. The beautiful you, the ever so arrogant face who only used your pretty lips to insult, the music you always brag. You got better however. Was it because of me? I changed you, right? Hehet~

Gayoung-ie, did you remember the bruises in my thighs? You asked where did I get it from, and I lied by saying that I fell. You didn’t believe it but stop asking further anyway.

I will answer it now.

They were the traces of my father’s love, and there were plenty more. On my stomach, my back, my arms.

( It wasn’t love! )

Hehe… even from here, I can guess how your reaction would be.

The thing is, I know it wasn’t love either. I felt the pain too when my father left his trace on me, and I know it wasn’t out of affection.

But don’t worry, I wasn’t hurt!

Everytime the pain came through, I remembered about you and suddenly I’m okay again! That’s why I kept my mouth sealed. I don’t want you to get the pain I didn’t even feel, I don’t want you to get hurt when you had done so much as my aids.

So don’t feel bad. Don’t think that you’re responsible because you did nothing. No, Gayoung. It’s all thanks to you that I can get through it until now.

Dear Gayoung, to Gayoung.

You must’ve been asking by now: then why leave? When all that I need is right beside me? She is alive and well, she sings beautiful melody still, never gets tired to put up with the noisy, ever so annoying me (you said so yourself, but don’t worry. I know it was meant to be dear feelings—of girls toward her best friend).

It wasn’t you, Gayoung-ie. It was me.

Because I got greedy, because it slowly became heavy and heavier to the point it was hard. It was hard to think of you as my friend. It was hard to pretend that I like you, in the same way you do toward me—as friends, just friends.

Ah, I’m going to take my word earlier. Because I’m about to make an apology, once, just once.

I’m sorry.

It was my fault that I have this feeling. I should’ve controlled it. I should’ve protected everything instead of ruining them. Our friendship, everything we had built, your trust, the joy, the memories—I should have considered them all. Now it was too late.

But, you know? I didn’t regret it neither I wanted to get rid of it.

I’m glad that it was you, because I know how wonderful you are in person. Because you are great, you are Seo Gayoung and I am proud of you!

But, you know. This feeling is mine and you are not responsible for it. I’m just telling you this because I trust you. That you wouldn’t throw everything away just for a dumb girl and her stupid little crushes. No, I won’t allow you.

Gayoung-ie, you are the girl who has everything. You are blessed with so much love in your pocket, and mine is just a speck of dust compared to diamond from everyone else’s, from your father, your mother, your baby brother, your little puppy mongmong. It would be outshined then disappear within the darkness. It wasn’t that important.

But for me, it was everything. That invaluable speck of dust is my whole world.

So, I’m taking this with me.

I bring it to the ocean, so that it could last along with the waves and the wind. You can hear its voices, hummed by seagull. It would last until the end, so please remember.

I just wished that you’d recall my name with a smile. That’s how I wanted to be remembered.

And so,

We had reached the end. It was such a long journey, wasn’t it? Are you tired? Please look away and give your eyes a rest!

Gayoung-ah, please take care of yourself. Eat delicious food, sleep well, and keep writing songs. I’d love you to make a track dedicated to EXO though. Haha. I hope you will continue living well. Life for my part too—is it okay to request such selfish thing?

But anyway, the next time we meet … I hope we face each other with the same smile we used to have.

It will be the last. But let's be friends forever.

Yours, truly
Yang Yina