Notes

Ab tumne mujhe kaha hai toh mai koshish kr rahi hu par agar koshish nakamyab rahe toh bhi koi baat nahi phone pe araam se smjhege.

Sabse pehle toh ye- aj toh tumne mujhe ye keh dia ki tmhe mains likhne hai mere dimag me ye baat rehti hai humesha, dubara mat bolna. Kyuki aj mains hai, kal kuch or is se bhi bada hoga par uska matlab ye nahi hai ki hum baatein share krna band kar de. Yei toh hai na, ki hum ekdusre se baat kr pate hai isliye aj humara bond aisa h. Mai bhi aisa hi karne lag jau tab? mai bhi share krna band kar du? ki tum office honge, kaam ka pressure hai bht sari chize smbhalni pad rahi hai office me faltu tumhe tension hogi etc etc soch k? Or han jab mene kaha ki jab bolna chahti hu tab tum available nahi hote ho uska matlab ye bilkul nahi tha ki tum mujhe time ya attention nahi dete, tum pura dete ho. Actually baat ye hai, I can live without talking to you because i know I'm a part of your life. But i cant live with a feeling where my existence is in question. woh feeling se pareshani hoti hai. Plus mains hai mai bhi janti and ye bhi janti hu ki imp hai woh par utna hi zada zaruri woh time hai jab hum baat krte hai kyuki woh fuel hai fuel k bina function kese kr sakta hai koi bhi? or woh bhi tab jab hum kar skate hai, nahi kr sakte hote toh baat alag hi thi na.

dusri baat- jo office k adjustments hai, I know tum jante ho khud bhi ye baat, par mai bolna chahti isliye sun lo, or suggestion nahi de rahi apni baat bol rahi hu. Kaam seekhna har kisi ko nasib nahi hota or har kisi k bas ka bhi nahi hota. Logo se matlab hai nahi, unki opinion se bhi nahi, janti hu tumhe toh bilkul nahi hai par iss baat k lie khudke bare me agar mann me ek iota of negative feeling bhi aai ho ek second k lie bhi toh uske lie bol rahi hu. Its good, tumhe iss waqt har chiz ka experience milega toh tumhre overall development ke liye acha hai, officially bhi or personally bhi. As someone who loves, obviously I will hate if someone treats you even in a slight undeserving way, which is wrong. And the same way you want to protect me from everything against me, so do I. But here as a friend i'm speaking with a switch of my role, that it is good, ki career k beginning me sab har tarah ke experiences honge tabi tum segregate kr paoge that 'no one is gonna treat me this way ever' ye sentence tum kaha, kab, kis chiz k liye use kr sakte ho. similarly when you are at that place, and someone else comes to that place be it in this sector or somewhere else you will know how it is to be treated that way. Toh overall human experiences or handling ko leke tumhe help hogi. And wese bhi I know you are good at your job, phir koi bhi kaam kyu na ho woh, toh this will pay off at the end of the day because tumhre performance evaluation jab bhi hoga i know it will be really impressive. Keep sharing, if some feeling is troubling you. If you don't find it alright. I can't be there at your office, but atleast I can be a part of your trouble, cause leaving you alone with your troubles, is the last thing I will ever want. You know, you have come here all by yourself, your hardwork, your dedication and its just the beginning. Career, job, business ye sab chizo ko leke mai leaast bothered hu tumhe leke. kyuki thats your thing, thats your zone, you naturally are good with these decisions. And you have a professional quality. I dont have that, I can study but when it comes to the field i'm not sure about myself. I'm more of a cuddly homely sort of a person. So I admire that about you.

Coming to that night- mujhe honestly abhi tak bhi woh feeling samaj nahi aai hai kya thi, but definitely bht ghatiya thi. I felt angry i felt really bad about/of myself and then i went blank and slept. Then i thought ki what if this would have continued and i realised ki agr ye continue ho jata toh mai tumse baat nahi kr pati kabhi. tumne uss waqt wapas video call k lie bola mai mana kar di kyuki mai tumko fce nahi kr pa ri th. han janti hu tum ye bologe ki it was you who told me to do that. But its not just about that. It was more of like, I did something, which was wrong and wrong to you and I aint able to face you now. Secondly it was humiliating woh feelings batane ki koshish kr ri hu jo hui.Humiliation bhi jab we are together and we are roll playing or something that is good and i'm fine with that. but this was terrible. it felt like there is an object, people are looking at it and having fun about it and that object is me. toh maine give up kar dia ki mujhse nahi ho paega ye kyuki agr ye hua toh mera relationship khrb ho jaega or woh mai kisi bhi cost pe nh hone de sakti.

bas itna tha, bas ye kehna hai tumse apne din k events k sath sath tumhe jo feel hota hai tum woh bhi share kroge toh acha lagega muje, janti hu tumhe ye baat krna bhi nahi pasand phir bhi bol ri hu acha lagega mujhe, or phir bhi nahi kr pate ho toh mai koshish krungi smjhne ki tumhre bina bole :) At the end of the day tum, mai ye relationship imp hai chahe jitne bhi bumps aae unko sort out krte hue aage badhna hai. gussa mujhe ata hai tumhe bhi ata hai or gusse me bol bhi dete hai ekdusre ko kuch bhi par tumhri awaz sun k sab chize irrelevant si lagti hai ki koi issue hai hi nahi. Par still ye sab likha kyuki tumhri awaz sun ne se pehle soch rahi th na ye sab. I love you or sach me us se bada sach meri life ka kuch bhi nahi hai. puri life tumhre sath hi nikalni hai bas itna pata hai baki sab apne ap figure out ho jaega :)