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I don't think I've ever fucked up this badly in my life. In fact, I know I haven't. This is something that I will probably never let go and I know that I'll be constantly reminded of it because that's just what I do. I think about shit that I'm not supposed to, and it kills me and I don't know how to stop.
I had an opportunity to meet two of my favourite people in my life, in a place that I have wanted to visit for my entire life, it was at my fingertips, it was right there... It. was. right. there. And I threw it away. I made a mistake, and because I'm such a fucking idiot I tried to get the money that I lost back, and then I lost that money, and then I tried to get all of the money back, and it kept getting worse. I fucked up so badly and I don't know how to even apologise for it. You guys mean so much to me and I fucked everything up even when I had the chance to meet you guys in real life. So while I sit here crying to myself, I just you guys to know, that I understand if you guys don't want to talk to me for a couple days, or weeks or whatever. I know I fucked up. And I know I fucked up really really really bad.
I was so excited for this because it was like all of my dreams coming together at once, with two of my favourite people in the world. All I had to do was wait. But no. I couldn't even do that. Everything was looking up, and now everything isn't even looking anywhere anymore, it's dead.
You guys did everything for me, you said you'd give my parents your passport numbers, literally do everything you could so that I could get to Cali. And I fucked everything up so fucking badly. I'm so fucking sorry. I could've been kicked out of my house and Maddie & Samjai were already offering to let me stay there, and not even my closest friends of 15 years in real life would've done that.
This probably doesn't even make sense because I'm just writing whatever comes into my head. I just know that whatever feeling you guys have right now, or thoughts about me or whatever, I know that it's a billion times worse for me. I fucked up so badly, and I'm so so sorry.
I'm sorry.
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