Notes

Dear a special someone,

After reading this, you will understand the reason to my inevitable end. No more questions. Nothing you can or should do now. Leave it as it began and finished its chapter.I think this is okay. I am going out now to explore a new world that is beyond the means of Earth.

It seemed that I was deeply mistaken that I could control my emotions and thoughts. That ended up not true.

As a young kid, I was never the social type. My parents never let me explore the wonders of being a child; talking to friends, interact with toys, and learning love. Thats where it kicked in. The feeling of being lonely. It was fine for a couple of years. I met a couple of friends that liked me because I was the only Chinese American kid around Alabama. And I felt okay with that.

January 2010
My family and I ended up moving to Philadelphia. Leaving comfort must be one of the worse feelings I have ever felt. Here I was in Philly, alone. This time, I wasn't alone for long. First day in, people of similar interests approached me and asked to hang out. It happened to be one of the best moments in my life. I was moving along. Taking science class as a joke and sleeping during math classes.

September 2011
Then seventh grade hit.
Everything was great. New teachers, new school year, new notebooks. I was a happy kid. Why? Even though I was bullied countlessly, for the most part, I was not lonely. It happened that I met my first love here within the blocks of a bad school. But does anything go well? I ended up asking her out and got friend zoned. For nights, I cried about the thought that I thought it was mutual. But it wasn't. I ended up getting over my feelings to seek out happier days.

September 7, 2013
High school drama awaits.
One the first day of high school, during the class of health, I met the girl that ended up being my first ex. Things didn't work out. I figured I was done with girls. I wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship. I could not carry my part of the relationship which ended up dragging her down. The years that followed were happy ones. Even though I got rejected/friend zoned a couple more times, this time, it didn't affect me that much. At least I thought.. One person in particular that transferred from New York ended up being the reason why I was excited for school. But guess what? The ship never sailed and I was friend zoned. This time, I was done for sure. I told myself to not ever find love again. What followed however is the start of something that hasn't finished.

April 2016
Depression.
People think it's just me being sad or stubborn. I told myself the same thing. I didn't want to move on to other people. I was tired of being rejected by the people whom I treated dearly. While I don't remember exactly, I remember the pain. The scissor cutting slits on my wrist. I thought that if I showed her, she would feel bad for me. And try to help me. But she only told me to stop. And so I did. I stopped loving. College was around the corner and I needed to focus. And until then, I did not let my guard drop.

March 2017
College applications were finally done with. I've never felt so accomplished. I applied to 7 schools in the hope that I would get into my top choices. I came back to something that perhaps was the single most important decision of my life. I met you. You know who you are. You made me feel something that I haven't genuinely felt in a while. Someone who I would be excited to meet during spring break even if it was still a whole month away. You told me that you would accept me and these feelings for me would not go away. I took your word and got the chance to know you. You waited a month before we met. Things were going really well. We ended up spending more and more time together than I anticipated. You held me tight, and I eventually told you I loved you. It was not long until I asked you out.

May 29, 2017
It probably wasn't the best date but I remember every part of it. It was moist and yet from the rain that day. You were waiting for me near the rock at Chinatown/Franklin Square. We went back to KFT to fix your eye. I was dead worried that you'd turn blind. Luckily, you turned out fine. I remember seeing my friends at the park and them taking pictures of us holding hands. Later that day, I remember at was 6pm and I really had to get going. But I still didn't ask you out. So I asked for some more time together. And it happened.What happened after was a time full of happiness. Everything was great and we explored everything. Together. I was NOT lonely for once in my life. Turns out, within 3-4 months, we ended up meeting 35 times. That's almost once 3-4 days. I'm obsessed about you.

Today
But maybe that's where I went wrong.. I fucked up. Thoughts of you leaving me. Thoughts of me not being worthy. Thoughts of you not loving me. Things ended up spiraling out of control to the point of no return. We made an unhealthy relationship that we did not want to break.

Think of a tight plastic bag that was double knotted. Trying to untangle it is a hard task. You try too hard, it becomes tighter. You don't try, it doesn't open. You use force, it rips and breaks. I am the plastic bag and everyone else are the people trying to open me.

By now, I've tried to talk to everyone around me for help. I've talking to adults, mentors, friends, family, and even the internet. People try to only make me feel more uncomfortable. But you were different. You wanted me to open up. And you tried for a long time. You try harder and harder until... You're tired of trying and now you're using other methods. I don't blame you. I'm difficult.

You already know my situation. I even lost my wallet with my debit card and ~300$ of cash. I’ve been cutting to make myself feel better. I’ve tried to make new connections. I am done. I'm going to take actions into my hands now. I am asking you to forgive me one last time. I appreciate every single thing you've done for me and all the sad and happy times we spent together. This is potentially the last time I'll talk about it so please don't be mad at me. I know you think I've changed and I accept that I'm not the person that I used to be.These days, I feel even lonelier as each day passes.

As a farewell, I want only the best for you. If it means I'm not the one, I'm okay with that. I'm happy that we once considered each other to be the one. Meaning you WILL find the one. Maybe he's in Central your sophomore year. You need to explore and find things you love doing. My only wish is for you to not hurt yourself. Otherwise my existence was meaningless. Everything I've written down will be meaningless. I will be doing this as a way to atone for all of the horrible pain I have caused you. Please don't play too much league if you have school work to do. You'll be able to make new friends and reunite with old ones. I hope you find that happiness without me. I am sure you hate me right now and maybe I didn't think of how it would hurt you. But understand this is what I want right now. I don't know if my mind will change but this is for you to move on and for me to say goodbye. I have found happiness within this chaos to write out and leave it behind as a reminder of how much I appreciate your company.

I don’t want you to stop me..

My life ends at 18 years, 2 months, and 30 days. If you're interested, I will have lived a total of 6666 days.

"What if the only way to not feel bad, is to stop feeling anything at all forever."

Here is all of the times we hanged out together/important dates.
3/14/17 rujia's confession
4/13/17 pool w/ jun + alice
4/21/17 carnival
5/10/17 kft
5/12/17 willy wonka @mccall
5/20/17 movies @southphilly
5/25/17 spring concert @central
5/29/17 spruce harbor MY CONFESSION <3
6/07/17 west Philly park
6/10/17 fdr park
6/14/17 philly zoo
6/15/17 franklin institute
6/17/17 lights out
6/19/17 graduation
6/20/17 don't breathe
6/22/17 ny manhatten
6/29/17 anniversary
7/04/17 fireworks
7/08/17 swimming
7/10/17 eastern state penitentiary
7/12/17 the girl on the train
7/14/17 pho
7/17/17 rujia's house
7/19/17 my house
7/25/17 rujia's house
7/29/17 mall Spiderman
7/31/17 biking @ben Franklin
8/04/17 8th st
8/06/17 beach
8/08/17 bday party
8/10/17 my house
8/16/17 shopping
8/22/17 packing @ my house
8/24/17 sushi restaurant
8/28/17 30th St
8/30/17 ...

This has been real. I love you Rujia Zhang.

Goodbye, Sam