Notes

i felt like you needed some explanation. or clafication. i dont know how to put it into whatsapp chat. line by line. and you have to reply me line by line. so i guess ill just put it here.
im sorry if you felt any 'less', when i ask for it. i don't mean to make you feel that way, but at the same time, i don't really know how to hide my urge. perhaps i've been too used to it, when you are around. and now that you're not, it's missing, clearly not just this, but everything, your whole presence. my life is upside down, i tell you my struggles from time to time, and i know you can see it much clearly when i talk about it when i'm on alcohol.

I made a choice this week to finally resign. There was no real trigger, it's in my thoughts for quite some time and i just did it. It's more like do or die feeling for me when I tendered, because I haven't searched for another job. I have precisely 15k in my bank account now, which I plan to spend 5-6k to Aus. You know I'm not a spender, even more not towards vacations. This break would most probably blow all my work savings. I tell myself to hope to find some inspiration during my break, whether is it an excuse or not, I don't know myself. I just know I want to see you. What lies ahead is completely grey, and trust me I am thinking about it and also avoiding it, everyday. Just telling myself, take a break and hope you will find some inspiration.

I absent from work twice this week. Was supposed to finish a parallel run, which was my worst performance of all because I only completed like 20%. Today, I knew definitely we will not complete. There are many things I know that are missing which I know where to start fixing, but I just couldn't hold it together and make the effort to fix it and I don't know why. In summary I was just being useless, and whole day fearing when Li Von would call, but she didn't and i'm still wondering why. that is why I airplaned my phone. maybe she already communicated with customer knowing it would not be completed, or she also had given up on me, or both, or i don't know. just letting you know of why I am like that today.

honestly I still don't know where to find that line between my urge and your unwillingness on that matter. but when you asked ' what am i to you ', it scares me of what you are thinking, after everthing I told you i am going through. I just hope to have everything very positive between me and you now, because that is all I have going on now, and in the next near few months. I am not trying to make you pity me or try to make you feel i am so right and everything, but if you do think so, i have nothing to say. afterall, this note is just to express myself.