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[Soldier enters from stage left, walking quietly. Shortly after, Owen enters from stage right, running and screaming.]
Owen: DIE, VILLAIN!!!
[Owen stabs Soldier]
Soldier: Aw, dammit.
[Soldier falls to the floor. Owen walks towards the camera and looks at it]
Owen: [Loudly and dramatically] Greetings, mortals! I am Owen Darkness, titan of justice, saviour of man-
[Soldier gets up, and Owen looks back in surprise. Soldier looks down at himself]
Soldier: [looks up, surprised] I’m not dead!
Owen: Well, yeah. I can see that. It’s kind of obvious.
Soldier: I mean, I don’t want to be dead. I’m surprised, really. I thought you cut right through my-
[Owen stabs Soldier]
Soldier: Ow... [Falling to the floor] Hey! I think I’m dying for real now!
Owen: Good, now begone! Disappear! Fuck off and all that!
[Soldier exits stage right, crawling]
Owen: As I was saying... [Loudly and dramatically, continues until Oswald appears] Greetings, mortals! I am Owen Darkness, titan of justice, saviour of mankind! I travel far across the lands and through the endless fields of all despair! I search far and wide for the evil once united by the light, striking them down with the speed of lightning and the fury of a storm! Oh, the things I have seen I cannot deny; sinners, saints, all mixed in one! But still I must carry on, for-
[Oswald enters stage right, carrying a massive bag filled with props]
Owen: Oh, there you are! What took you so long?
Oswald: I was carrying your stuff around! You should be grateful. I don’t think you’re even going to need most of this. [drops bag on the floor, some props fall out]
Owen: [screams dramatically] Nooooo! [runs over to the spilled props and begins picking them up and putting them in the bag] The Knife or Raging Fury! The Goblet of Apocalypse! The Quill of Revelations! The Book of Romance Advice!
Oswald: And you’re definitely not going to need that.
Owen: [Furiously] How careless of you! Imagine what would happen if you accidentally dropped the Fiery Shuriken of Explosions! You should be grateful for having the honour of being the official Bag-Carrier!
Oswald: It’s not an honour, actually. I would rather have you carry the bag yourself.
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