Notes

Embarrassing Medieval Stuff
[Soldier enters from stage left, walking quietly. Shortly after, Owen enters from stage right, running and screaming.]
Owen: DIE, VILLAIN!!!
[Owen stabs Soldier]
Soldier: Aw, dammit.
[Soldier falls to the floor. Owen walks towards the camera and looks at it]
Owen: [Loudly and dramatically] Greetings, mortals! I am Owen Darkness, titan of justice, saviour of man-
[Soldier gets up, and Owen looks back in surprise. Soldier looks down at himself]
Soldier: [looks up, surprised] I’m not dead!
Owen: Well, yeah. I can see that. It’s kind of obvious.
Soldier: I mean, I don’t want to be dead. I’m surprised, really. I thought you cut right through my-
[Owen stabs Soldier]
Soldier: Ow... [Falling to the floor] Hey! I think I’m dying for real now!
Owen: Good, now begone! Disappear! Fuck off and all that!
[Soldier exits stage right, crawling]
Owen: As I was saying... [Loudly and dramatically, continues until Oswald appears] Greetings, mortals! I am Owen Darkness, titan of justice, saviour of mankind! I travel far across the lands and through the endless fields of all despair! I search far and wide for the evil once united by the light, striking them down with the speed of lightning and the fury of a storm! Oh, the things I have seen I cannot deny; sinners, saints, all mixed in one! But still I must carry on, for-
[Oswald enters stage right, carrying a massive bag filled with props]
Owen: Oh, there you are! What took you so long?
Oswald: I was carrying your stuff around! You should be grateful. I don’t think you’re even going to need most of this. [drops bag on the floor, some props fall out]
Owen: [screams dramatically] Nooooo! [runs over to the spilled props and begins picking them up and putting them in the bag] The Knife or Raging Fury! The Goblet of Apocalypse! The Quill of Revelations! The Book of Romance Advice!
Oswald: And you’re definitely not going to need that.
Owen: [Furiously] How careless of you! Imagine what would happen if you accidentally dropped the Fiery Shuriken of Explosions! You should be grateful for having the honour of being the official Bag-Carrier!
Oswald: It’s not an honour, actually. I would rather have you carry the bag yourself... [Short pause] What are we trying to find anyway? I heard you say something about a Holy Grail.
Owen: [Enthusiastically] Ah, yes! The Holy Grail! I am certain it is hidden within this castle, although I do not know where.
Oswald: Yeah, but which one is it this time? You have the Holy Grail, the Holy Grail of Fire, the Holier Grail, the Holy Grail of Raging Storms, the Holiest Grail, the Not-so-Holy Grail. So, which is it?
Owen: The Holiest Grail of all Holiest Grails of Raging Fire Storms!
Oswald: ... [Short pause] Okay. [Takes out a map] I made a map showing the layout of the castle in full detail, along with hidden routes and backup plans for the rare event that-
Owen: [Interrupts] Onwards we march!
[Owen runs off stage right. Oswald looks around in surprise, then puts the map in his pocket, picks up the bag, and follows]