Notes

So now i have a question, do you trust me??? Answer honestly, when i say trust i mean being completely honest and telling me stuffs no matter how bad or worse it is.

Cause I value this friendship so much and i find you so amazing that it pisses me off. Pisses me cause you changed me. I guess Monica was right. Maybe i didnt agree her cause i didnt want her to be right but now i think about it, she is right. You have changed me. You made me able to feel things. Trust me, the only thing i feel about people is hatred. I dont know how to care or love people. I still havent learnt that. But i know i have changed. >.>

The reason i wrote this is cause I wanna apologize for everything. Im sorry. IDK how u think of me but according to that card, I think i mean something for you. But I was an ass. I had rotten things in my head. But now im clean. That was my pissed off mind. None of those things make sense to me now.

I love you so much and i treasure you so much that I dont ever wanna loose you. Like i wrote in the previous letter, no matter how pissed off i am with you or even if i stop talking to you, just say u need help or anything and im ready there.
Promise me u will not lie to me or will not hid things from me, will ya???

Now as for ending, let me come to one of many conclusion, Have i fail as bestfriend???


Dear Best-Friend, This is my mind. These are things that were in my mind before i talked with you

Im sorry.

I wont read this out loud or will ever say this to your face so read carefully. If you don't want to, don't.

So this is where i begin. Its kinda creepy but now that i have started writing, I'm not gonna stop. IDK where to begin. All i can think of is how an asshole i was. I totally miss read the signs. Maybe cause you edited some of it but now im gonna be totally be honest.

I wasnt pissed at all till the next day after the result was published. I was kinda sorta angry on the first day because I can see you online but you were not replying. Then i called, no pickup. I used all the way to reach you but none worked. I was cool till then. Maybe you had you phone silent or maybe you were asleep or you were celebrating (as Medha told me you got 63%). Then I saw facebook message as seen thats when i was totally lost my control. Seen means you were awake and you didnt reply to the fb message. So i send an SMS just so you know what im getting at. I mean why wont you share you percentage??? "SHARE" remember this word as everything is related to this.

Day 2. No call back or reply. All the nerves at my head starting stretching. I was furious at everything and everybody. The day was total waste. Pranav didnt show up at Jamboree nor did you. You didnt call or message to give me heads up. I was alone at Jamboree with a massive headache thinking all the possibilities. I walk home angry with everything pissing me off. Out of all possibilities, i wanted to hear from you so you can prove me what i was thinking was all fucking wrong. This is where i went Gaga over my head.

Remember this, you people, when you make decision or do something, you people do by emotion. Either it makes you happy or sad. But for me since i lack emotion, to me every decision is about pride. I'm short temper cause when i have to do things twice or more than 2 times, i feel my pride going down. Im all about pride. when you didnt pick up call for the first time or replied in fb, i had already started thinking if i call u again my pride will go down. So i talked with Yajyoo and Monica. Cause at that moment, i could only listen to them. They told me my pride will kill our friendship so i lowered once again and called you still no pickup or call back.
Now this was totally ignoring me. Talked with medha and found out you were ignoring her as well but was communicating with Clown. This lead me thinking you had already patched up with him. when we went to LA, because i was with you, i thought Clown n u had an argument. In argument he told you stuffs u didnt wanna hear and you started ignoring us. This thing stuck to mine. My other theory was you lied about you result but i didnt wanna ever think for a second about it so i convinced that Clown was the reason for it. And im sorry for that, i doubted and hated him even more for something he hadn't done. I know when im wrong and i know when to apologize. Sorry Clown. There i said it >.>

After this everything i wrote about love started to fill in. Then my mind went completely gaga and was finding every reason to hate you. Hate on things that never mattered me. The fact that you stopped talking in fb seeded my anger. U remember how i always used to say after +2 we wont be talking??? well that because we didnt talked so much on facebook but just few 1-2 months before exam you started talking alot in facebook. You started becoming fun, I was happy how u proved me wrong that even after +2 we can be best friends. But now i look and you dont even talk. If i say u something, you reply Ae and thats it. My fire started building up from that. Maybe cause Clown reads msg and u dont want trouble so you stopped??? Its true that i find him reading msg creepy but there is Viber as well??? you used to send me photos and tell me stuffs that are going around you. used to fill me up but now i hardly know anything about you. I know about you is cause i ask not cause you tell me. This got me thinking, is it even worth??? I was so frustrated and angry that I was so wrong to even think that. I hated myself for that.
Then I Clown and dilemma thing raised. But before i knew what was that about i told Pranav that u have changed. When i said that i meant u not sharing anything with me and specially you are hurry to go home. It was like u didnt wanna talk to me or stay for a second. I still havent got this but I got questions regrading this.

Not sharing, staying or telling me truth made me question more and more. And more i think, the more angrier i became.

Monica told me to call you. Ask whats going on and all. I also wanted to hear your side but ur silence made my mind ever more worse.
Believe it or not but on this day i had already made up my mind about meeting you. Medha, sofi di and I was supposed to go to LA and before i go there i had plan to go at your place and talk with you but medha cancelled cause she was sick. (I knew it, it was period >.>) and told we better go Wednesday.

Day 3. No call back or reply. I had it. The headache hadnt gone nor the nerve stretching. I was ready to scream to you at Jamboree but you didnt show up. there was neither call or message about you not coming. I was so furious that i screamed at pranav for few minutes. So he kinda knows what i mean when i said you have changed.

I return home. havent slept properly for days. So i sleep. I woke up fresh. No headache or anything. At that moment I no longer cared for you. No hatred towards you or anything. I was just over you. I just didnt care about you anymore.

Then at night time Monica messages me about asking hows things between us. I poured my heart out how i lowered my pride for you, how i tried and how thoughts have taken me over and how i no longer care. Then she tells me not to give up because she has been on that road and she doesnt want me on that road. Monica was so wrong about Weed dude and how she regret it. How her pride killed it.
Didnt matter to me

Day 4. i woke up, say a voice message. After hearing i call you hoping this time you will pick up. But still the result was same. Medha sanga LA janu thiyoo tara when i called LA and rato bangla, they told aaja hudaina. I was pissed not cause they declined but because I was using this moment to meet you. But now i lost the moment. U hadnt talked to Medha or me. I wanted to know why. Had enough of this silly game. Even though i lost feelings towards you, I valued our friendship so much that I no longer cared about my pride. I just wanted to hear from you cause my mind was rotten and i didnt want to believe in any of that. i knew there was a story behind this and i wanted to know. So i called medha and told her im coming over there to meet you. I couldnt just brag in you house so i needed a middle man and who else would fit except medha.

I was so angry that without hitting you i couldnt find peace. but when i saw you, i just couldnt, i just didnt care about my theories or any of my conclusions. I just wanted to hear you so you can prove me wrong.

And thank god you proved me wrong. You had been going through a lot and i wasnt even aware. I was so selfish that I was only thinking about myself. You were scared. Scared of what i will think of you. But now I'm even more pissed that you thought I would think you are useless just cause you failed. Or didnt tell me about u patching up cause i might judge when i clearly told you to do what you think is right. I wont judge you. And babe, plz im never gonna judge you in any of your decisions. You are unique and I love you for that. Ur this jelly that i so love so dont change that. EVER.

So now i have a question, do you trust me??? Answer honestly, when i say trust i mean being completely honest and telling me stuffs no matter how bad or worse it is.

Cause I value this friendship so much and i find you so amazing that it pisses me off. Pisses me cause you changed me. I guess Monica was right. Maybe i didnt agree her cause i didnt want her to be right but now i think about it, she is right. You have changed me. You made me able to feel things. Trust me, the only thing i feel about people is hatred. I dont know how to care or love people. I still havent learnt that. But i know i have changed. >.>

The reason i wrote this is cause I wanna apologize for everything. Im sorry. IDK how u think of me but according to that card, I think i mean something for you. But I was an ass. I had rotten things in my head. But now im clean. That was my pissed off mind. None of those things make sense to me now.

I love you so much and i treasure you so much that I dont ever wanna loose you. Like i wrote in the previous letter, no matter how pissed off i am with you or even if i stop talking to you, just say u need help or anything and im ready there.
Promise me u will not lie to me or will not hid things from me, will ya???

Now as for ending, let me come to one of many conclusion, Have i fail as bestfriend???
P.S - And there was no puja at home. I just needed to meet you and telling puga would let me have my pride while i meet you >.> And thank you for the meal ^^

WOW! this is quite embarrassing. So do me a favor, give me answer of those question's answer and give back my phone. And i will delete this NOTE