Notes

1. You have your entire life to be a jerk. Why not take today off?

2. Your ass must be pretty jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.

3. Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither.

4. If you’re waiting for me to care, I hope you brought something to eat, ‘cause it’s gonna be a really long time.

5. Some day you’ll go far—and I really hope you stay there.

6. I’m trying my absolute hardest to see things from your perspective, but I just can’t get my head that far up my ass.

7. Sometimes it’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid than open it and remove all doubt.

8. I’m not a proctologist, but I know an asshole when I see one.

9. You only annoy me when you’re breathing, really.

10. Do yourself a favor and ignore anyone who tells you to be yourself. Bad idea in your case.

11. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.

12. Do your parents even realize they’re living proof that two wrongs don’t make a right?

13. Remember that time I said I thought you were cool? I lied.

14. Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in awhile, but you really abuse the privilege.

15. I can’t help imagining how much awesomer the world would be if your dad had just pulled out.

16. Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d gotten enough oxygen at birth?

17. Please, save your breath. You’ll probably need it to blow up your next date.


18. Can you die of constipation? I ask because I’m worried about how full of shit you are.

19. Good story, but in what chapter do you shut the fuck up?

20. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.

21. Were you born on the highway? That is where most accidents happen.

22. Please, keep talking. I only yawn when I’m super fascinated.

23. If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart.

24. Jesus might love you, but everyone else definitely thinks you’re an idiot.

25. Sorry, I didn’t get that. I don’t speak bullshit.

26. The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.

27. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.

28. Are you always such an idiot, or do you just show off when I’m around?

29. There are some remarkably dumb people in this world. Thanks for helping me understand that.

30. I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than whatever you just said.

31. I was pro life. Then I met you.

32. You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

33. Whenever we hang out, I remember that God really does have a sense of humor.

34. It’s kind of hilarious watching you try to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.

35. Please just tell me you don’t plan to home-school your kids.

36. You always bring me so much joy—as soon as you leave the room.

37. I was hoping for a battle of wits but it would be wrong to attack someone who’s totally unarmed.

38. I’d tell you how I really feel, but I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to express myself in this case.

39. Stupidity’s not a crime, so feel free to go.

40. I’d tell you to go fuck yourself, but that would be cruel and unusual punishment.

41. The village called. They’d like their idiot back. You better get going.

42. You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway.

43. Your family tree must be a cactus ‘cause you’re all a bunch of pricks.

44. I was going to give you a nasty look but I see that you’ve already got one.

45. You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

46. People like you are the reason I’m on medication.

47. I believed in evolution until I met you.

48. If I threw a stick, you’d leave, right?

49. You’ll never be the man your mom is.

50. Earth is full. Go home.

51. Yeah i was a virgin until last night , just ask your your sister, " i don't have a sister ", you will in about 9 months

52. I need my beauty sleep, bitch you need hibernation

53. Awww your spreading rumors about me its nice to see your finally spreading something other then your legs

54. Suck it , sorry small objects are a choking hazard

55. You're so ugly , oh good i was trying to look like you today

56. You're so ugly , uuuummmmm im not a mirror

I’d give you a nasty look but you’ve already got one.

If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.

I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?

If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.

The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.

It looks like your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer.


If I wanted a bitch, I’d have bought a dog.

I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up your ass.

I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.

Why is it acceptable for you to be an idiot but not for me to point it out?

Your lips keep moving but all I hear is “Blah, blah, blah.”

Your family tree must be a cactus because everyone on it is a prick.

You’ll never be the man your mother is.

Just because you have one doesn’t mean you need to act like one.

Someday you’ll go far… and I hope you stay there.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.

Stupidity’s not a crime, so you’re free to go.

If I had a face like yours I’d sue my parents.

If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.

Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.

Jesus loves you… but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I was hoping for a battle of wits but you appear to be unarmed.

Hey, you have something on your chin… no, the 3rd one down.

Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
You are proof that evolution can go in reverse.
Brains aren’t everything. In your case they’re nothing.
I thought of you today. It reminded me to take the garbage out.
You’re so ugly when you look in the mirror, your reflection looks away.
When you were born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to your dad, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.”
I’m sorry I didn’t get that – I don’t speak idiot.
Quick – check your face! I just found your nose in my business.
It’s better to let someone think you’re stupid than open your mouth and prove it.
Hey, your village called – they want their idiot back.
Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?
I’ve been called worse by better.
You’re such a beautiful, intelligent, wonderful person. Oh I’m sorry, I thought we were having a lying competition.
I may love to shop but I’m not buying your bull.
Don’t you get tired of putting make up on two faces every morning?
I’d slap you but I don’t want to make your face look any better.
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.
Gay? I’m straighter than the pole your mom dances on.
I just stepped in something that was smarter than you… and smelled better too.
You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway.I’d give you a nasty look but you’ve already got one.
If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?
If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.
It looks like your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer.


If I wanted a bitch, I’d have bought a dog.
I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up your ass.
I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.
Scientists say the universe is made up of neutrons, protons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.
You’re so fat you could sell shade.
Why is it acceptable for you to be an idiot but not for me to point it out?
Your lips keep moving but all I hear is “Blah, blah, blah.”
Your family tree must be a cactus because everyone on it is a prick.
You’ll never be the man your mother is.
Did you know they used to be called “Jumpolines” until your mum jumped on one?
Just because you have one doesn’t mean you need to act like one.
I’m sorry, was I meant to be offended? The only thing offending me is your face.
Someday you’ll go far… and I hope you stay there.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
Stupidity’s not a crime, so you’re free to go.
If I had a face like yours I’d sue my parents.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
No, those pants don’t make you look fatter – how could they?
What’s the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.
Save your breath – you’ll need it to blow up your date.
You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck when thinking.
If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
The zoo called. They’re wondering how you got out of your cage?
Jesus loves you… but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I was hoping for a battle of wits but you appear to be unarmed.
Hey, you have something on your chin… no, the 3rd one down.
Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
You are proof that evolution can go in reverse.
Brains aren’t everything. In your case they’re nothing.
I thought of you today. It reminded me to take the garbage out.
You’re so ugly when you look in the mirror, your reflection looks away.
When you were born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to your dad, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.”
I’m sorry I didn’t get that – I don’t speak idiot.
Quick – check your face! I just found your nose in my business.
It’s better to let someone think you’re stupid than open your mouth and prove it.
Hey, your village called – they want their idiot back.
Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?
I’ve been called worse by better.
You’re such a beautiful, intelligent, wonderful person. Oh I’m sorry, I thought we were having a lying competition.
I may love to shop but I’m not buying your bull.
Don’t you get tired of putting make up on two faces every morning?
I’d slap you but I don’t want to make your face look any better.
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.
Gay? I’m straighter than the pole your mom dances on.
I just stepped in something that was smarter than you… and smelled better too.
You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway.