I knew from the start, he would be a tough guy to forget. Bryan Fitch is and was my first love. And I still do love him. You can't not love someone who you went through so much with for like a year. The thing I hate the most that I've done, is I have told myself that the only way to get over him romantically is to push him away and focus on me. While that is the logical independent wise thing to do, I also am loyal. I care for him a TON no matter what he did and will do. I've put a limit on our talking just recently. I told him that I don't want to talk to him for 2 to 3 weeks so I can get my heart to agree with my brain (I just want to be his best friend, but my heart still has a flicker of feelings for him). At first he didn't like that idea, because he liked talking to me, but later agreed because he knew it would help me. But here's the thing. 3 days in, and I'm typing this! I feel like crap. I feel like once again, we made the wrong decision. We may have made the wrong decision to start dating way back in August of 2015. We may have made a mistake breaking up in March of 2016, because we couldn't do it. We were forced to break up. We were tossed into situations and were forced to think of ways to make it better by ourselves. Why couldn't we make decisions ourselves. Why can't we just do what we wanted to do?! We may have even made a mistake to just "show affection to each other even though we aren't dating" over the summer. I'm still not sure if that was even the right thing to do, because knowing he's a guy, and even after he told me that it wasn't just for the physical, it was for the closeness and the bond, and it was the one thing keeping us close together, I just really don't know how that benefited us for now. But I didn't think about that because I wanted the same thing. I liked having that kind of a bond with him, I have never had that with anyone else and neither had he, and that's what made it so special. We fit in each others arms perfectly. But, It didn't help me get over him, and I don't really know for sure, but I don't think he's completely over me. He can't be. But I just don't know. But the only thing I do know, is that gosh, I want to be his friend. I want to be his best friend. I want to be his biggest cheerleader through life and guide him through it God's way, because it seems like in his house, his parents don't do that. I want him to know God and grow up to be a successful, godly Christian man who would made an awesome husband and a leader someday. Whether he is married to me or not, it would make me happy knowing he's in that place and being where God wanted him to be. I love him so much, I love him even deeper than a boyfriend. Sure it was fun dating him, but after all that we've been through together, he's even more than that to me. So, why would I push him away? I tried to talk to him just the other day, and for some reason that made me hurt. It made me hurt because he says we should keep our talking to a minimum so I don't get into a bad mood. While this is somewhat true, I was on my period when I was in a bad mood with him, and boy was I a bad word!! But I was just so mentally drained from everything throughout the past year. I was ready to let it all go. But I have realized that I don't want our friendship to go. I want that to stay. It would really make me sad if he was too scared to even text me because I would get in a bad mood. I don't want it to be like that. I want to be the way we were before we were dating. Carefree, and fun, and light, and adventurous. We always had the greatest conversations and just looking at all of them makes me sad because I miss those times. What happened, where did we go wrong? Is it just me that's in the wrong? Am I overanalyzing? I don't know. But what I need to do, especially right now, is lean on God, and my family and trusted friends. They may not have the direct answers to my problems, and God may not give me one for quite some time, but I need to learn to be patient. I need to trust that God has me in His hands, and will not let me go or drop me somewhere into something I can't handle. But one thing I will ask of God is to keep Bryan in my life.
