Notes

After Luce had left, I started to drink even more. There was no one to make conversation with nor anyone to accompany me. I begged and pleaded for him to stay, but he refused, leaving me all alone. It was surprising because I'm usually the one to leave first an instant. I have to admit I am cynical, and will neglect giving attention to someone if they have behaved a certain way with me in which I don't respect, such as phoniness. But I was desperate for guidance, I needed him to help me understand adulthood.I acknowledged my confusion and believed it had prevented me from being happy. The confusion is what sabotages my opportunity to have intercourse. The reason why I search for companionship is to relieve my pain of loneliness. I proceed to feel the sorrow. Luce had given up on me, so I gave up on myself and decided to drink more. I am too drunk, I could barely see straight. I thought about calling Jane. She is the only one that can ease my pain, and make me feel happy. I needed someone to distract me, to help me get through this pain. I thought about calling Jane. She is the only person who can make me happier. She's was a part of my most cherished childhood memories. Perhaps once I meet her we can relive our childhood, distance ourselves from the adult world, not having to feel obligated to transition. Sadly Jane didn't answer. Sally Hayes is my backup. Although I found her to be phony, I have no one else. I was too drunk to hold myself together during the phone call. I've been approached twice, many were concerned for my well-being, and suggested I go home. To be honest, I don’t know where home is, I have nowhere to go. I should probably go to the park to figure out where I’m heading. I’ve always been curious in know where the ducks had went. It was cold outside, I thought i was going to die. Death reminded me of Allie. The ducks disappeared with no explanation, like Allie. It is depressing to remind myself that he is never around, that he’s stuck in a cemetery. Everyone could go to their car and continue living their life after visiting the cemetery, while Allie can not. I miss him, I wish he were back in the my life. Why did his life have to be cut short? I can’t stop myself from thinking about my own death, how others would be affected by it, just like how Allie’s death affected me. How would Pheobe react if I were gone? Am I going to experience death anytime soon? Will it happen? I have to go visit Phoebe before it actually happens.