Notes

I've been tossing and turning all night .. Doesn't feel the same not laying next to you. I know I messed up. Big time. I know exactly how we both get when one of us falls asleep on each other. I think that was where I was being a bit over the top and mean to you because I kept standing up next to the bed and talking when you were trying to sleep this morning :/ and it wasn't like you weren't trying to be awake. Since you got yourself comfortable after finishing the other bottle of wine and feeling some type of way You and I always usually end up doing something before we sleep and my parents both left so you didn't feel like we had to be quiet or needing privacy to do anything. i was surprised since u usually always stay up later then I do when we binge stay up. why it escalated and went downhill this morning was cuz I was jus upset when you told me to make u food cuz u said you were hungry and didn't feel good and when I came back upstairs u didn't eat it. I was jus super on and a bit lazy that's why I get irritated when I do something. And yes you did stay with me an extra day but I really didn't think you would mind since u had some days left before you have work next week. Irena.. :/ I miss being able to sleep next to you every night and driving you to work and getting you 5 hour energy shots or rock stars and snacks for lunch and seeing you again every night instead of all these times getting you a lyft or driving home by myself in the morning empty handed after I drop you off at home. It only gets bad when I see you too much again cuz I get used to it and and feel comfortable all over again. I know we aren't dating and you aren't obligated to stay the night but I would do anything to have it all again and having you lay next to me every night with just a long tshirt on. Cuz when I have those days where I can't sleep like today, I can just give u a back massage until I tire myself out and go back asleep again. I don't always care about doing the intimate stuff. I know we do it whenever so it's not always on my mind especially when you're tired. and I didn't mind getting you the wedge sponges since ur on ur period and u couldn't go to the store with me and it didn't bother me that you did not want to be touchy. That was the whole point why u ended up staying with me this morning when u told me to cancel the lyft when you were already packed up. I shouldn't be asking more from you especially not with my spoiled attitude. I was still wide awake and jus sitting in the bathroom hoping u would come and open the door after u had some space on the bed without me bothering u and was hoping maybe you would grab my hand to tell me to come to bed and finish the movie with you since you sounded buzzed and laughing at a funny part of the movie. I didn't think 2 hours was gonna go by just me sitting and no response. I got 4 missed calls from you and I should of just picked up on the first one instead of trying to act hard. Cuz I wanted you to come get me since I was just sitting with my phone on my lap jus staring at the toilet and cabinet. You finally came in cuz u had to pee and it was coo. I came out and fixed the bed and was cleaning up. U noticed me and were still buzzed and I was being a fruitcake jus still not talking and acting like a mime and would always jus make you laugh cuz I looked funny. Or you would make yourself laugh. Lol it was so hard trying to keep a straight face. Even with the cake box I brought. I know you know how to make me happy. I should of jus laid down. Let's get dinner Saturday if you're feeling better? I want to cheer you up. I miss you.. Like a lot.

P.s. I couldn't get over how beautiful you're eyes were the last 3 days. I catch myself looking at you whenever I'm not sitting next to you but in front of you.


And for the record, when we started fighting I think I was jus thinking too much about the suicide squad movie we watched with Harley Quinn and the joker when they had that super crazy psycho relationship cuz you sort of showed me the dark side I did. You even spit on my face hella times.. Not getting off to that but u did go crazy on me out of nowhere and wasn't even mad cuz I Deserved all of it. Lol it was like the dominatrix stuff. I just let it happen. And I'm sorry if I lashed out. Only reason I did was cuz I didn't want to keep getting scratches all over my arms. They were huge gashes :( and u did kick my jaw a few times and punched my face. you know that I hate scars and shit and getting dirty. If it wasn't for that I wasn't even mad at all for all the stuff you did just to show me how it was like. Honestly I needed to cry a bit and suffer my own taste of medicine since I never did because you forgave me all these times and still loved me and took me back. When you got on top of me and took the pillow off my face when I didn't want to show my face when I was bawling out and my nose was stuffed I thought u were gonna just kiss me and be like, hey now we are even and just start having sex. Cuz I know you were wanting it after u drank wine. Nobody has their zippers off and moving around like a snake. That's how it was the last time when u were suppose to go home cuz u were super on and I fell asleep and you didn't want to stay here cuz u were bored and didn't know what to do and I ended up just massaging your leg and ended up with a crazy night where it led to another day with you. Cuz if the sex is amazing you won't be looking to go anywhere else that day cuz you're content and happy. Anyways back to the part where u hopped on top of me when I was crying. I wish u did ride my cock and fuck my brains out so I would just shut up. Just pull my pants down and get me hard and just be in control. That would of been really intense and a big change up from being super sad crying to talking dirty and wanting to make my cock and your pussy numb and sore until we came two times back to back. Cuz I kinda of lightweight liked it when u slapped my face a few times or when u pulled my hair when I was just sitting on the bed cuz u had every right to finally get back at me all those times and taking back all the damages and pain I caused to you even tho you forgave me And even when u choked me when u were on top. I would of enjoyed it. Weird how it really does mess a person up and start liking more hardcore stuff after something happens. I'm only saying that cuz the way I did treat you sometimes wasn't the best cuz I would be mad sometimes at you when you were drunk in the past and it affected you emotionally and physically. That's why you like it rough. And why u hate it if someone else tries that cuz it's all about chemistry you have with someone. Anyways I don't want focus on this since I'm not with you and don't want to get too carried away. Dam after writing this it makes me miss you even more -_-