okay, listen. i didn't exactly say my family hated me, but i do understand why you both interpreted it that way. but, the reason why i said i felt as if they disliked me was based on how they treat me. how ashamed they are of me. what they say of and to me. for starters, my cousins. my cousins always stray away from me, they all find me either weird or annoying. they only speak to be when it's being forced upon them, and even then, they tell me how much they'd rather be with someone else. with my mother, she dislikes who i am. i know, you're probably finding that like to be childish, but here's the thing; she's told me, multiple times. she hates whom i've grown into, she always tells me how much she would rather her daughter be her niece, jurnee. she loves, everyone fucking love jurnee. honestly, i wouldn't be upset about this part, because i'd want a daughter like her too, but the thing is that she's my favorite person ever. she was who i idolized, someone i looked up to. no matter what she did. she broke my favorite teddy bear, i still love her dearly. (it's been sewed, he's still surviving). the thing that gets me the most is how i'm always compared to HER, though. not even my sisters, not even my brother's other sister. it's always jurnee. i do my best, i really do, i try to be like her. i tried extra hard at my old school, because i went to the same school she did (my old school was a tiny private academy, 300+ students, all grades. i was in middle school while she was in high). i tried hard because i knew how popular she was, how much they all loved and wanted to either be her or have her. i didn't want to embarrass her at all, so i did my best to become someone she could proudly say she's related to. i was only an embarrassment to her, though. she didn't like being seen with me, she didn't like talking to me. but the thing; she talked to my "friends" all the time. in my face, every single day. she wished one of my friends would take my place in the family actually. from that day on, i've been jealous of them. but, that's another subject, moving onto my family again; my brother. he's ashamed to have me as his sister, he may say to me and my mother that he loves me, but i'm not fucking deaf, i hear his conversations with his girlfriend. he likes to tell her how he wishes i was like his other half sister, ebony. how badly he wishes i wasn't the way i am today. he's said so many things about me behind my back. i can't tell if he genuinely loves me or just wants me to shut the fuck up with my tears. he also wishes i were more like jurnee. he treats her more like a little sister, too. usually, nowadays all he does is yell at me to do chores (when he pulled me out that one day, i felt empty. i couldn't bring myself to believe or ignore his words. i couldn't even say anything, my mom kept talking over me. she was scowling at me the whole time.) i still have belief in my brother's love for me, though.. if there's anyone i can say they love me, i'd say him. he's the only person who's tried to get me out of my funk. he was the one who protected me from my father, he protected me from a near death experience, my mother only stood there. i'm not too surprised though, my brother hates my dad. i never knew why though. now, onto my dad; we have absolutely no kind of relationship. he's married to another woman, he's not even my brother's dad. he comes over every saturday and uses me as an excuse to come and fuck my mom. i've never met his wife, i've never been nside his home. i don't even see my sisters anymore, i have to visit their jobs now to see them, and my mom nor brother wold take me, they have things to do themselves. my dad likes to abuse me in place of my mother. whenever i do something wrong, he's the one to give me my punishment. he's the one to bring me the pain. my mother runs to him if i say one thing out of line, she makes sure he has tabs on me. even though i don't know shit on him. i don't even remember his birthday, my mom always tells me a few days before. i have to be forced to talk to my dad, too. i choose not to bother him, because if he really wanted me, he would let me know. at least, he use to. when i was younger, he'd sneak a visit to see me. nowadays, he doesn't give a shit on me. he only wants to fuck around with my mother now, and that's something i know for a fact. my mother forces an unwanted relationship between us, but she does it in a way that only makes it even worse. she literally shoves my ass in the room and makes sure i say something to him. (my mind just went blank so i'm going to end this talk on my dad, i can't say much on him anyway. all i remember is when he punched me in my nose when i was around 6, when he threatened to murder me & when he choked me.) now, with my other family members, they only tell me how much of a disappointment i am, how they wish i could be a better person. they all believe i hate them because i never really speak, but that's because i'm always nervous and uncomfortable with them. i'm literally the youngest in my family, older people intimidate me, but i try my very best to speak to them whenever i have something to say. whenever i finally learn something to talk about. i really try my hardest, but they only see it as a failed attempt, a disappointment. no matter how hard i try to make them happy, to give them what they want, i always end up failing and upsetting them even more. i believe they dislike me, because of me. because of how i act, how lowly my attempts to make things better between me and everyone else are. i'm not blaming them on anything, i'm only going off on how they treat me. personally, i
