Notes

You know I went through life trying to be someone else. Cause I was too absorbed in the fun to realize I was losing myself I think they call that fitting in. Whatever it takes to be cool, fake relationships, not about my siblings as much I could have been, finding approval in dangerous relationships with young women then girls. I was lost, but didn't know it yet. Every new start, began new friendships which began another level of fitting in. isn't it just crazy that when you do that so long you begin to believe that was who you were all along. It's the time when you actually have to find yourself because you are now at the stage where you have to make a name for yourself and now there isn't any one you can feed off to figure out what you are meant to do. Cause they already know who they are and everything you try to do just doesn't fit with you. Bingo! it's cause you still trying do things that the others mesh with. Step back, wait look in the mirror and who is this guy.. this guy doesn't know what he is about, what he is meant to do, somebody lost his I.D and the sad thing is it's not at the nearest lost and found. Retreat into solidarity, this is that caterpillar into butterfly kind of deal, but this caterpillar missed the mark somehow, somewhere. Finding it hard to establish real relationship cause how can you make a connection with other people when you can't even connect with yourself. It's like my brain is in my head but some of the wires have been unplugged. The contents in my memory device either been taken out the port or erased. Don't get me wrong I don't feel much like that now, but it is what I began to realize. Giving you a feel so we can get on the same page as it were. I can begin to say how disappointed in myself I was when i realized all this time I had been getting by not much planning I was good at looking at others make mistakes and not follow them, well at least on some things. Found out the hard way about sexual encounters, but that's another story. Nothing can prepare you for the downfall when lose hold and there on nothing to hold on to. It's like that verse building on unsteady foundation