Notes

dont know if this is sthe right place to say this but im going to say it anyways. For the past few months ive been comtemplating suicide and trying to find the most painless way to do it. Things just havent gone my way in life and i had gotten tired of it. My brother has been very sick lately (cancer) and i havent been in a relationship for almost a year because the last one i was in was extremely abusive and she would continuously find ways to degrade me and make me feel like shit and feel that she is the only one that will be with me and i should be thankful etc. i finally broke away from that and left and closed myself off to everyone i knew and basically spent all my time either at work or on the internet at home. i got discharged from the military a couple of months ago and went to just straight being home and on the internet 24/7 unless i needed to go out and buy groceries. I just feel like i cant get any better in life and im stuck where i am. last week my brother started being unable to walk and on friday he lost his sight and was completely confined to the hospital bed, and last night the doctors told me that he has less than 48 hours to live. so last night i called my old superior when i was in the military and i balled my eyes out to her and told her everything that was going on with my brother and went home and drank myself to sleep, not knowing how to handle the loss of the closest thing to me again. Today i woke up sleep, not knowing how to handle the loss of the closest thing to me again. Today i woke up saying "today is the day that im going to do it. when he passes away im going to go home and finally end it all" but i met some stranger out in the parking lot when i was walknig my dog and what probably seemed like meaningless chit chat to him ended up saving me. After that talk with him i feel like i can give life another chance and try at this again. I guess what im trying to say is that a single encounter can change someones life. A small 5 min talk with a stranger may seem meaningless to you but may mean the world to the person you're talking to.