Notes

827pmjune6thsaturday
right, now, I just want to get these angry feelings out on...Something, right now, nothing really happened today anyways. Other than me acting 'suspiscious' ig. what just happened now was that when my mom, I think, went to the bathroom, I had, at first, instinctively stopped my video, but resumed it almost immediately at the instant recognition it was my mom, then, I already knew I had triggered dad's suspiscion already, I decided to get some water, refill my water bottle. as I was using the bathroom and about to get water, I heard dad talking about me. the obvious thing. he was basically complaining to my mom about how I stop doing what I'm doing when they walk past or something, and he continued, not even acknowledging I was standing in his doorway. only untill he finished with his little rant, then he got up and went to the bathroom, changing his demeanor for a second. I remember the last part, before he went to the bathroom, he explained that by me doing this consistently, he feels as if I'm hiding something he apparently needs to know. at that point, I felt...well, an different type of hopelessness. an angry, furious one. its mostly: "if he doesn't even trust me or at least BARELY trusts me, why am I giving him the benifit of MY trust and attempts at honesty and redemption? this is pointless. and infuriating. AND repitive from him, at this point." If you can't tell already, it's anger and hopelessness/despair kind of mixed. I'm not sure what to call this new one. ugh...its hard to repress, I still feel a lot of its anger. and both despair and anger seperately as well. like, the one hopeless-anger POM, and then there's anger and despair/hopelessness, all seperately. to be fair, I've just only been ignoring despair all day, advoiding both willingly and not, through dissociation. I've been deeply dissociating all day, watching YT. and also all day, I've looked at my mess of a room. and I've felt despair every time, but I just couldn't bring myself to clean it, and I felt pathetic for not being able to. it's not an physical thing either, I just....i'm just...not, for some reason. I might just force myself to clean it, so when he goes into my room again, it doesent have to look like bullsh!t atleast. sigh, whatever... this was just an little rant I did. its not like this really matters other than documentation reasons. bye now.