Notes

The city is much more beautiful when everyone else is asleep.

Because of this, the city is not listening when you need it to.

I stand with my feet on the edge, staring down at every taxi and uber that drive on the streets more than sixty-three stories below me. Their headlights don't seem as bright up here, and the traffic lights they all yield at look like nothing but small, glowing eyes. Two red pair, glaring up at me. Tiny moving demons.

I can hear the screaming inside of me just begging me to jump. It's been, what, how many years of the same repetitive thoughts? I'm tired. I want to think something new other than kill yourself tonight. I want to think nothing at all.

Oh, for my mind to be as silent as this city when the sun goes down. That would be a privilege.

My shoe scrapes against the concrete ledge as I shuffle forward, the soles of my vans hanging over. The only thing keeping me here are the heels of my shoes, really. An invisible string that my ankles push against in a teasing way, threatening to trip over and go front-flipping off the tallest apartment complex in this part of town.

The strange thing is, my eyes are dry. I'm not crying at all, but maybe that's because I'm so used to the despair and horrifying screams that never cease to loop within my empty chamber of a soul. My eyes are dry, and I'm glad. I can see the tailgate lights of cars better when they all come to a stop at every red demon eye of a traffic signal.

"Would you happen to be a physicist?" There's a voice next to me.

The shock alone is enough to make my weakened legs give out beneath me as my shoe slips over the edge, but something catches me. A hand in the back of my shirt pulling me upright again.

"What?" I snap my eyes quickly to the direction of the voice, only met with a soft, glowing face of another man.

He's staring down at the street below us just as I previously was. The orange of the city illuminates limited features on his face. He's smirking, smiling a secretive kind of smile, one that shows off a deepened dimple.

Finally, he looks up at me and he doesn't seem alarmed whatsoever. The amount of calmness on his face is a little unnerving.



"I said, would you happen to be a physicist?"

"No. Why?"

"Well, before you jump, you just have a lot of potential," he says. He smiles a little bit then, one that spreads across his entire face. "Get it? Like, potential energy."

"Oh," I take a step back from the building ledge. I chuckle a little uneasily, only because this stranger seems to be on the creepy side. "Who are you? What are you doing up here?"

"Yori, I guess," he shrugs. "What a metaphysical question to ask. Like, do any of us really know who we are?"

He turns to look at me over his shoulder, and he looks a little less amused. But just as quickly as he appeared, the smile is back, and he turns to face the ledge again.

I watch him lift one leg outward over the open air, kind of wiggling his foot back and forth. He looks like he's frozen mid-step. His thin body quivers as he struggles to keep balance, and my hands twitch with the need to lunge forward and grab him before he can fall.

"Isn't it the same thing as you? To just... fall?" He asks. "Or is there another reason why you're teetering off the top of a building at two in the morning?"

"I was just- I just needed some fresh air, and to clear my head," I make excuses up. I feel like I'm talking to my mother again, when I would have to deflect every conversation she would bring up about my behavior and how it alarmed her.

"Clear your head or cave it in?" He turns on his heel, leg still extended outward. He leans a bit back, but then straightens himself upwards. I watch him jump off the ledge onto the building, only to sit down with elegance and precision.

"Clear it," I repeat, this time with a little more confidence. "But what about you?"

"What about me?" He asks, looking up at the sky. The stars don't shine this far into the city, but he still looks up at the navy blanket like they do. The white reflection of the moon shines in his dark eyes. "There you go again with the metaphysical questions."

"What are you doing up here?" I'm growing frustrated with his vague answers.


"I needed to tell somebody that physicist joke," he replies.

"It wasn't even that good," I frown. He interrupts me just to tell me shitty jokes?

"Oh? Okay, I've got one," he says. Yori straightens up and clears his throat, then saying "You like Superman?"

"I will jump off this building right now," I respond.

"Okay, okay," he puts his hands up in defense. "Maybe you're more of a Marvel guy?"

"I'm going inside," I turn around, and start to head towards the rooftop door, currently propped open with a brick. This Yori guy must have done that, because I know I certainly didn't. If I didn't have a way back down, I would have no other option than to jump. I made sure I didn't have another way out.

"No, no, wait," he laughs, jogging across the flat rooftop to catch up with me. "I'm sorry, shit, I know I make a bad impression when people first meet me, just give me a chance."

"A chance for what? You're very confused if you think that we're suddenly friends," I shake my head.

"Oh. Are we more than that, then?" Yori steps in front of me, giving me that little smirk he had while staring down at the city.

I stare back at him, and I feel myself wanting to smile. But I also feel myself wanting to die, still, so I don't think I'm in the right state of mind to be making judgements on random strangers.

"You're insane," I say.

He shrugs, sticking his hands in his pockets. "Maybe? Who knows."

I push past him and swing the door open, making my way down the several flights of stairs to my floor.

"So, I guess I'm not that funny?" He follows me to ask.

"It's just- Try to read the room before cracking a joke, dude," I focus on taking the steps as quickly as I can, eager to be alone again.

"Are you saying that one step away from death isn't a good time to laugh? I think it's the perfect time," Yori tells me.

"Because you're insane," I reiterate.

"But so are you for trying to throw yourself off a building," he points

We stop on a landing, and I have to look up at him because it seems he's taller than me. Under the fluorescent lighting, I can see more of his facial features. Handsome, as expected by the cocky attitude. But also, sad. No, no, not necessarily sad- but empty. Void.

"Leave me alone, alright? I won't try to do it again," I shake my head, continuing down the stairs, much more quickly this time.

"No, I don't believe that," he laughs. "You know why?"

"What?" I snap.

"Because you didn't laugh at my joke," he says.

"Are you- Are you serious?" I scoff, shaking my head as we reach the forty second floor. I start heading down the hall, itching to get into the safety of my apartment away from him. "You're so arrogant and self centered that you think that I must be suicidal because I didn't laugh at your shitty joke?"

"No," Yori steps in front of me again. "I think you didn't laugh because you don't believe that you have potential. Not in the physics way, I mean, genuinely."

I avoid his eyes and feel my body tense up. Who is this guy? What's his problem? I'd ask, but I know he would only reply with something cryptic about metaphysics.

"Listen... just let me go to sleep, okay?" I navigate my way around him to approach my apartment door, desperately digging through my pockets for the right key.

He leans against the wall next to the door, his eyes roaming all over me. I can feel them travel down the length of my face, and it makes my skin crawl. I feel ugly. I wish I could jump out of this body and just run back up to the roof and finish what I started. Why did this stranger have to ruin things? Why is he staring at me so intensely?

"What?" I finally ask him, looking at his sharply-carved face in annoyance.

"Nothing," he shakes his head, eyes going from my lips to my jawline. "Just looking. Admiring, that's all."

I pause for a moment, feeling my skin flare up in a bit of heat. Someone does the faintest hint of a flirting and I suddenly don't want to die? I wish my emotions were more stable than they currently are. But I guess I'll still be shaken for a few more days after how close I was to actually following through with an attempt this time.

"You're crazy," I shake my head, pushing my apartment door open and sliding in so he can't follow me inside. I turn to watch him leave, but only see him continue to lean there, looking at me carefully.

Under his inspection, he asks "What's your name again? I didn't catch it."

"Because I never told you," I say defensively.

"If you don't tell me, I will hereby continue to call you Suicidal Boy."

"It's George," I spit out, shaking my head. "Don't call me that. I'm not suicidal."

"Sure, okay, George," he says. "Goodnight?"

"Yeah, goodnight, dude," I start to close my door.

"Should I stay out here to make sure you don't try to sneak back up there without me?" Yori asks, motioning towards the ceiling but I know he means roof.

"No? That's fucking scary. Go home, creep," I frown.

He takes a seat on the hallway floor, and looks up at me patiently. "Maybe if people were to pay more attention like this, you wouldn't have ended up on the roof in the first place."

"I'll call the police," I say.

"I'll tell them you're a danger to yourself and others around you," he responds.

Dick.

"Fine. What do you want, then? To just sit out here?" I ask.

Yori nods, and says "Yeah, right now that's what I want. But objectively, I want you to realize you've got potential."

I stare at him as the corners of his mouth lift up into a smile. I can see the stubbornness in his eyes, but I can see the loneliness too. If all he wants is to sit in the hallways, then I would be selfish to not let him. Who knows? Maybe I'm the only person he feels comfortable with now that I also caught him on the roof.

"Okay," I nod. "Goodnight, Yori."

"Sleep well, George."