Notes

Somehow, instead of getting pancakes, we end up at dinner with Kato.

This might be my own personal hell. Maybe I did fall off that ledge, and maybe Yori never grabbed me, and maybe this is my punishment for committing suicide.

"Oh, yeah, I'm majoring in graphic design, minoring in psychology," Yori explains. He's easy to talk to, of course he is. Yori is charming and smooth and in no way clumsy and awkward like I am. It's obvious Kato likes him, I can see it in the excited body language that always seems to fade when he turns to me. "You're down at the community college? That's so cool. NYU is shitty because it's private, therefore, not state funded, and therefore, cheap as hell. You'd think with it being a more prestige place, they'd be a little more upper-class."

"Haha, man, that's fucking hilarious!" Kato laughs in ways I have never made him laugh before.

I don't know what I'm more scared of.

"Oh, at least somebody finds my jokes funny," Yori glances at me teasingly. I shrink in my chair a little, wishing for the world to just take back my existence. To take it back all together.

Kato liking Yori more than he likes me?

"Yeah, you're fucking comedy gold, man," Kato chuckles. "How'd you end up meeting Joji? Dude hardly laughs at anything."

Or am I more scared of Yori liking Kato more than he likes me?
"He lives in the same building as me," Yori explains. He leaves out the whole 'suicide' thing, and for that, I am grateful. "He laughs. You just have to tell the right jokes."

Kato frowns a little at this and I know it's because this boy I've known for a week and a half is trying to act as if he knows me so much better than Kato does. And maybe he does, you know, maybe Yori does know more about me. But Kato doesn't realize that, he just feels his position threatened.

So, instead of commenting on it, Kato just says "Oh? He left his apartment long enough to actually talk to someone? I'm impressed. Good job!"

"Thank you," I smile at Kato. I've always admired him and the words he says. Sometimes they make me feel bad, sometimes they make me feel good. They only feel good when I think I deserve to be talked to like this. He knows what tone to use, and what expression to make. Being my friend for this long has made him a pro at it. He can get me to do anything if he smiles at me enough.

"Hm," Yori looks away.

I hope he isn't jealous. I really don't want him to be. But what's there to be jealous of? It's not as if he wants me in any kind of way. I think he merely came to this dinner because he might feel responsible after catching me on the roof that one night, or because I helped him when he was ill. I hope that isn't the case, I really like Yori, and I like spending time with him. It would kill me, quite literally, if I knew he was only still present out of pity.

"Come on, cheer up, Joji! We let you pick the restaurant, would it kill you to smile?" Kato pokes at me across the table with his chopsticks, and I can feel my body tensing and untensing in ways that might make me feel seasick.

I glance at Yori, and he's staring at me like he's mad. Oh. Oh no. What did I do?

"Sorry," I whisper, and then smile at Kato. "Thank you for letting me pick."

"You know I love it when you smile, Joji," Kato laughs.

And so I make an effort to smile harder for the rest of the meal. Yori carries a conversation with Kato because I am so focused on trying to look happy that I can't even stop long enough to think of words or sentences to contribute to what they're talking about. Just smile. That's all he wants from you, and it's such a simple request that even a fuck up like you can do it.

Kato gets a call from one of his mates that yells about a party that Kato has to get to quickly because 'Gordon fucking Ramsay' is there. So, finishing the last of his sushi, Kato pays for all of our meals and the three of us stand outside the front of the restaurant awkwardly.

Well, I'm awkward. Yori and Kato shake hands as normal, and exchange nice words about how it was nice to meet each other and they make a little joke about taking care of me, because I guess I'm incapable of taking care of myself. Still, it's nice for Kato to worry.

After he hails a taxi and gets in, I turn to Yori on the wet sidewalk and smile up at him the way I was smiling at Kato. This is what people want to see, they want to see me smiling and happy because any other mood from me makes them itch with discomfort. Any other mood of mine is just inconvenient.

"Isn't Kato great?" I ask. "He paid for all of us. What a great guy, God, he's nice."

"I fucking hate that dude, and I don't want you to ever make me hang out with him again, please," Yori says flatly. There's a flicker of guilt, and then he adds. "Sorry, I just hate him."

What? He hates Kato? But he was so good at acting civil? How could he hate Kato? Kato is... Kato is great. He's everything I'm not. Is... Is Yori just pretending with me as well?

The thought makes me feel dizzy. I take a slow step backwards, and this makes Yori's hard expression soften up a little.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound so- like a dick," he sighs. I watch him rub his face a little, and then he says "That's... that was... I didn't like that, George."

"I know he can be a little loud sometimes, but he's my best friend," I whisper.

"Is he?" Yori asks me. He steps forward and slowly reaches out, asking permission to touch me. When I don't flinch away, his hands come up to the sides of my arms, and he rubs up and down in that comforting manner that he does. "Is he your best friend?"

"Sure," I nod.

"George," Yori looks at me. Then, he looks out at the street, like he's biting his tongue from saying something too harsh. The cars that pass by all reflect in Yori's eyes, the lights going from one eye to the other. From left to right. "He... ah, fuck. He's manipulative. That's the only way I can put it. I'm sure you've noticed, though. Right?"

I stare at him in confusion.

Kato, manipulative? No, not even close.

Yori's expression drops, and he says "Oh, George, please tell me you've noticed."

When I don't say anything, Yori pulls me in for a very tight hug. He's stroking the back of my head gently like I'm something delicate to be handled with care, and that rubs me the wrong way.

I step out of his embrace, but not too far. His paws still rest on my arms.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"He belittles you. He looks down on you. How can you not see that? I'm sorry. I really am sorry," Yori says quietly. I almost don't hear him over the rush of the traffic, but of course, I do. The words stab through my brain like a gun shot.

"No, that's just Kato," I breathe out. "We've always been like this. That's just him looking out for me, because I do bad things when he's not there to... keep me in place..."

As the words leave my mouth, dots start to connect. I stand there in silence as Yori stares at me, like he can see the gears working around in my brain.

"Oh," is all I can say.

"Come on," Yori tucks me up under his arm. "Come on. Let's get you home, it's cold."

"He doesn't mean to," I shake my head.

Yori seems like he doesn't want to hurt me more than he already has, so he just presses his mouth together and nods. "Okay."

If anybody is going to be right, it'll be Yori. He doesn't feel anything, and therefore, he is the most unbiased person to tell me this. Somehow that makes things worse. How many other people have spotted this? It took Yori less than a dinner for him to see how badly Kato treats me. How many other people have seen this and just kept their mouths shut? I feel like an idiot.

Of course. There's no way someone like Kato would actually be friends with someone like me. I think I always knew, only because the factors of us never fit together properly. Like two puzzle pieces being forced to fit in each other's grooves. He's great, amazing, extraordinary, beautiful, perfect. He's everything, and I am nothing. Those numbers don't add up.

"What are you thinking?" Yori asks me as we cross the street. It's started to rain again, and I can't help but feel guilty. My mood must have influenced the poor weather.

Yori has a hand on my back as we walk, and I wonder if it's because he thinks I'm incapable of taking care of myself too.

"Um, just. I don't know. He's, uh, he's... he's Kato. He's always there for me. He's- He's-" I lose my thoughts. I'm scared to be honest with Yori, because I feel like he'll only think I'm being stupid for defending Kato. "He's everything I have. The only person who stayed with me through... through all the Earthquakes. He loves me. He does. And I love him."

"Can I say something?" Yori asks.

"I mean," I shrug, and stick my hands in my pockets. "Okay."

"I don't want to twist the knife. If you need time to process some things, we can just-"

"No, no, tell me," I plead. Deliver me from ignorance, Yori.

"You cringe at the name Joji. Did you know that? You just did it again," Yori states. "Why do you think that is?"

"Because that's what Kato calls me," I say without thinking.

I stop walking, my feet planted on the sidewalk. I look up at Yori with scared, wide eyes, and he just nods.

So I shake my head.

"No," I scoff. "That's... that's ridiculous. I don't hate that name."

"I didn't say you did," Yori responds.

"You're twisting the conversation around," I say. "You're tricking me."

"Joji," he says.

I can feel myself shiver, and when I look up at Yori, his eyebrows are raised in a sympathetic way.

"Oh," I frown, and look down my shoes.

"Hey," he breathes out. He lifts my face up to look at his, and says "You know you're okay, right? You're going to be okay. Your worth is not defined by Kato, or anybody for that matter. You are what makes you so damn important. Not what Kato thinks of you. Not what nickname Kato gives you. Not Kato."

"Not you?" I ask.

"Not me, either. You are the only one in control of yourself, and I don't want you to forget that. Even if he... even if tells you he likes it when you smile, that doesn't mean you have to make yourself smile. You don't need to do that."

"I don't?" I ask. I feel stupid. Of course I don't, why do I bother opening my mouth?

"No," Yori looks very sad. "You don't have to do anything for him, or for me, or for anybody."