Notes

I've been waiting a long time for the "right" opportunity to speak out about this. So I guess now is as good of a time as any. A year and a half ago, I was sexually assaulted by an old friend of mine. A week after the assault, I decided to confide in my ex boyfriend. The next day at school I found myself in the guidance wing telling details of my story just before they told me I have no option but to tell my parents. Once again, I had found myself in a position in which I was forced to do something I did not want to do, but had to. And I knew my ex thought he was doing the right thing at the time, but he didn't. I spent the entire day crying. Crying while being blindsided into telling my principal and guidance counselor, crying while watching my mother's face when she had heard , crying while seeing my father, crying while being held by my ex. My safety net. My father gave him a look that day. A look that meant that there was and will forever be trust and safety between him and I. I believed it. I'm sure a lot of you remember that day. Why did I disappear first period, and why did Brandon keep leaving class? Now you know. Next stop was the police station. This was Mr. Moran's best solution on how to solve the issue. There, I was interrogated, screamed at, threatened, and forced to give the name of my abuser. I was made to retell the entire story with VIVID details. Want some examples? Please describe the underwear you were wearing. Could you tell us what his penis looked like? Did he ejaculate inside of you? After getting yelled at and told I was lying and was going to be sent to
Jail, my mother finally removed me from the interrogation room. I then begged my parents to drop me back at school so I could cheer at the game that night. I cheered that night with the police watching me in case my abuser stepped foot in that gym. After the game, my ex came home with me and held me that night. We got back together without any conversation. I knew he would always be my guardian. So I thought. The next morning I was brought to the hospital to complete a rape kit. There, I was asked to retell the events of the rape in vivid detail, once again. I was giving 10+ pills , shots in my butt, and multiple pictures were taken of my body. All I can hear sometimes in my fathers voice yelling at the nurse to ensure I don't get pregnant. Not to worry, plan B was included in the 10+ pills. After my hospital visit, my life consisted of school, cheer, and endless calls and voicemails from the police station. The last conversation I had with my parents about the assault was about a week after I had told them. I was cheering at a different high school and having flashbacks all throughout the game. I broke down and cried. I haven't spoken a word to them about it since. My clothes were placed in an evidence bag. One of my favorite shirts. Gone forever. Nothing was the same. I couldn't go anywhere alone. I couldn't communicate with a lot of people. Constant flashbacks. Constant triggers. I went months feeling like I was outside of my own body. Several severe panic attacks daily. Ruining my relationship with the one person I could ever trust. This is why I kept storming out of classes everyone. You all just called me a crybaby. And Brandon , you truthfully never defended me, even though you knew everything. You made it about you and your reputation. Fast forward to the summer. I got myself therapy and Brandon finally left me. Eventually my flashbacks, anxiety, and depression had lessened as I moved to NYC. But, the events that took place still trigger me daily. So what does this all have to do with my tattoo? This tattoo concludes my past year and a half. The lion stands for POWER. Control. courage. LOYALTY. Strength. PROTECTION. I lost all power & control, loyalty was broken, and I lost my protector. I've had to push through to find and hold onto my courage and strength. All that is left. The roses along side of my lion signify new beginnings and hope. Although this has been very difficult for me to open up about, I hope maybe this will help some of you who may be struggling or help you to at least know that you can come to me with anything. Also, I hope this makes you all aware of that fact that you truly never know what someone else is going through.