Notes

Dear ...

This is the first letter sent from the childish and esmaculated 15-year-old complain-ee who rather died than going to a fucking miserable school. I hope there will be another one. Endlsss conversations.

I want to believe it, but the woman's words have been proven to be very wrong. Or at least, it has been changed. For a long time, I started to feel losing myself and my motivations - also the excitement to exist. Deepdown, I know I have to say this.

For example, when I saw beggars on the road, I no longer feel the truly pity nor the urge to help them. All I see is the vision of those people, not as pity as I thought, trying to get the money they too lazy to make. My heart has lost the sensation which I was really proud of and respect. And yet I'm still fooling myself that my heart is still the same as the one I got as a kid. I've tried to ignore those thoughts and pampered myself by handing them out. But I can't ignore the fact that I don't love my mom as much as I used to, or the guilt I've created since I saw this world with my both eyes, and the me, who is no longer strong, smart, nice, kind, and desire to be something big and great, is pathetic. The problem is that I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.

It's true that my heart is dirtied, but I've considered it as the heavy price/debt of growing up. As I saw myself dying, I also see the world in a different way that takes too long to explain. As a result, I understand that I still love people - or humanity, the way I did 10 years ago. But the fact that everything includes me, Earth and humanity is becoming worse and worse hurts me so bad, it's the main reason I want to die.

On the past 2017, since my first conversation with Nochang, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and people who are still trying to make this world a better place, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Cancer, Ghost. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't really want to know!

I suffer a wretched life and always reminiscing the memories which remind me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of myself becoming something bad, something who killed or harm people or step on them to live through a filthy life.
I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the monster arrived, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.

Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach and somewhat my 24/7-headache head for your words and concern during the past time. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the me anymore, and so like Kurt wrote, it's better to burn out than to fade away. I rated my death as similar as those who I admired and wanted to meet, like Kurt, Osamu and Fitzgerald.

If you known me well enough, you should have realized this letter is a Kurt Cobain reference. And you should also have known that I like arts, want to make arts, I think stories and I love (...) as a human to a human. But no.

Xin Người soi xét cho con,

SOYPHANTASMA

Gửi những người đã tốn nước mắt vì con, xin lỗi. Con sẽ ở bên cạnh mọi người.
To Nochang, thank you. A genius you are.
To myself, no matter died in the past or struggling in the future, YOU ARE A GOOD KID.
I LOVE ALL OF YOU!