Notes

NARRATOR: So here’s what you missed on Glee - Puck tried to steal an ATM and got himself stuck in juvy.

PUCK: As far as badasses go, I’m number one!

NARRATOR: Sam and Quinn are sort of a couple, and so are Mike and Tina. Artie and Brittany went out, but then he sorta dumped her and now he sorta wants her back. Kurt’s pretty lonely all by himself, and so is Coach Beiste. Sue keps trying to get her to quit. She even baked her a batch of cookies.

BEISTE: Are those dog poop cookies?

NARRATOR: And that’s what you missed on Glee.

SCENE ONE: LOCKER ROOM

FINN: Dude. How do you stand that coldtub?

SAM: Get used to cold showers dating Quinn.

FLASHBACK TO: SAM OR QUINN’S BEDROOM

QUINN: No.

SAM: C'mon, a little something-something.

QUINN: A little something-something always leads to something more. I’ve been there, remember? When we’re Prom King and Queen, it’ll feel just as good as a little something-something.

BACK TO: LOCKER ROOM

FINN: Been there, dude. Actually, still there now. How did we find the only two girls in high school that won’t put out?

SAM: What do you do, though?

FINN: Well, easy. I just think about the opposite of what I’m doing.

FLASHBACK TO: RACHEL’S BEDROOM

FLASHBACK TO: FINN DRIVING

CAROLE: Ahh! Oh my God!

BACK TO: RACHEL’S BEDROOM

BACK TO: LOCKER ROOM

SAM: Never actually almost killed a civil servant before.

FINN: Well, you gotta find something to be your own buzzkill. You know, something that is totally not hot.

BEISTE: I don’t care! If you’re on this football team, you’ll wear a cup!

FINN: Hey, ever notice that when the Beiste gets all fired up, her underpants go right up her butt?

BEISTE: …down in your groin with that helmet? You think the nutcracker’s just a musical? Do you want some 200-pound…

SAM: Looks like I found my mailman.

FINN: Yes, you did.

TITLE CARD

SCENE TWO: HALLWAY

TINA: I take it we have a lot of sweater trends to look forward to this season. You okay?

KURT: Yeah. Fine.

SCENE THREE: CHOIR ROOM

WILL: Alright guys, let’s get down to business! First, let’s welcome back Noah Puckerman. Puck, I hope your time in juvy has taught you a lesson or two about right and wrong?

PUCK: Are you kidding me? I ruled that place. All I did was crack skulls and lift weights all day.

QUINN: Oh, what a catch, can’t believe I ever let you go.

WILL: And now, drumroll, Finn! Because I have in my hand our competition for sectionals next month.

RACHEL: Okay.

WILL: First, the a'capella group from the all-boys private school in Westerville, the Dalton Academy Warblers.

FINN: Yeah!

SANTANA: Okay, hold up. Like a million awesome gay jokes just popped into my head.

WILL: And the other team to beat, the Hipsters. A first-year club from the [?] township continuing education programme. Now, they are a glee club composed entirely of elderly people getting their high school GEDs.

RACHEL: Is that legal?

MERCEDES: How are we supposed to compete against a bunch of adorable old people?

PUCK: Are you kidding? Brittle bones. Give one of those old ladies a good luck pat on the rear, it’ll shatter her pelvis.

WILL: Moving on. Since this seems to get you guys jazzed about sectionals last year, I wanna make this week our second annual boys versus girls tournament. So! Split up into two groups, and, uh, figure out which songs you’re gonna sing.

RACHEL: Okay, I have mash-up ideas in my emergency mash-up…

WILL: Kurt, gonna say it again. Boys team.

SAM: Okay, I say we do a whole AC/DC, that way [?] lead guitar…

FINN: Yeah.

SCENE FOUR: HALLWAY

ARTIE: I know it’s not my place to ask, but can you push me down the back staircase? My injuries should be the same, but it’s more lightly populated so the humiliation won’t be as bad.

PUCK: Relax, I’m here to take care of you! You’re my boy now.

ARTIE: I don’t understand.

PUCK: I got outta juvy early because I agreed to do community service, and I ain’t picking up trash along the freeway, that’s ghetto. So I told my proby officer I knew a cripple that needed help and she went for it.

ARTIE: I’m your community service?

PUCK: No way I’m going back to juvy. There’s no chicks, and no cosier meal options at that place.

ARTIE: Cool, so we’re like friends.

PUCK: Woah, slow down, Professor X, I never said anything about liking you. Now, shut up real quick. We’re gonna steal some food from the cafeteria. This chair’s a great place for hiding stuff.

KURT: What is your problem?

KAROFSKY: You talking back to me? You want a piece of the Fury?

KURT: The Fury?

KAROFSKY: It’s what I named my fist.

KURT: Well, with that level of creativity, you could easily become assistant manager at a rendering plant.

KAROFSKY: I don’t know what that is, but if I find out it’s bad, the Fury’s gonna find you.

SCENE FIVE: WILL’S OFFICE

WILL: Is there anything that I could do?

KURT: No. This is my hill to climb alone.

WILL: Can I be honest? I think it’s getting to you. Usually this stuff rolls right off your back, but lately you’ve been beligerent, angry, pushing people away.

KURT: Can I be honest with you? You, like everyone else at this school, are too quick to let homophobia slide. And your lesson plans are boring and repetitive. Boys versus girls? That doesn’t challenge any of us.

WILL: You mean because I didn’t let you join the girls like you wanted?

KURT: To answer your question, yes. I’m unhappy. And yes, being the only out gay kid at this school gets me down. But most of all, I’m not challenged in the least here.

SCENE SIX: CHOIR ROOM

WILL: I’m not tossing the baby out with the bath water here.

BRITTANY: I’ve totally done that.

WILL: We’re just making an adjustment. Boys, you are now doing songs traditionally sung by girls groups. And girls, try some classic rock. Uh, the Who, the Stones. The more opposite your choice, the more choice you get.

KURT: Don’t worry, gentlemen. I have this one under control.

SCENE SEVEN: CLASSROOM

KURT: Now! Obviously for this medley to work, I’m gonna have to sing lead, and of course when you’re singing Diana Ross, [?] feather boas are a must.

ARTIE: Isn’t this lesson about opposites? I mean, you in a sequin gown and feather boa is exactly what you’d expect.

KURT: Okay, who said anything about a gown?

PUCK: Uh, dude. Why don’t you make yourself useful and go put some rat poison in them old folks’ jell-o or visit the Garglers?

KURT: The Warblers.

PUCK: Whatever. See what they’re up to. And you can wear all the feathers you want. You’ll blend right in.

KURT: Fine.

SCENE EIGHT: SAM OR QUINN’S LIVING ROOM

QUINN: This hot enough for you?

FANTASY: LOCKER ROOM

BACK TO: LIVING ROOM

QUINN: Say my name, Sam. I said, say my name.

FNATASY: LOCKER ROOM

BEISTE: I said, say my name.

BACK TO: LIVING ROOM

SAM: Beiste.

QUINN: Are you okay?

SAM: Yeah. I could do this for hours.

SCENE NINE: SUE’S OFFICE

QUINN: I know what I heard. There we were, making out, and he said it. Beiste. I think he was picturing making out with her.

SUE: That is the most horrific image I can imagine.

QUINN: Coach, I need help. I’ve done everything I can to rebuild my image. I’m getting straight As, dating the cutest guy at school-

SUE: Who would rather be dry-humping She-Hulk. Oh, dear God. Why did I say that, now that’s what I’m picturing. You know what kind of disgusting images I’m gonna have to look at to get this outta my head? I’m gonna have to go straight to the womb care centre, I’ll have to stare at some wombs.

QUINN: Coach, I really don’t know what to do.

SUE: Wait. This may be the opportunity I’ve been waiting for. A way to get Beiste out of this school and get your Macaulay Culkin stunt double back in your arms.

QUINN: What do I have to do?

SUE: We need to go public with your pain. Get people talking about this. Turn Beiste into the next [?]. And you need to give him a piece of your mind. Loud. And in public. Show him who’s the boss. Oh, man. Now I’m picturing the two of them making out during an episode of Who’s The Boss.

SCENE TEN: STEPS

ARTIE: Shouldn’t we be studying geometry, aren’t you failing?

PUCK: One thing I learned in juvy? Cash is king. Lets people know we’re not doing it for free.

ARTIE: What, you think people are gonna pay us to sing? I don’t think busking is allowed in school.

PUCK: Watch and learn, young jedi in a wheelchair.

PUCK and ARTIE sing One Love / People Get Ready.

ARTIE: Holy crap, there’s like three hundred bucks in here.

PUCK: Yeah, you really can’t put a dollar mat on the value of talent plus fear.

ARTIE: I can, it’s about three hundred bucks. What are we gonna do with it?

PUCK: Buy a buttload of clove cigarettes and the rest, I don’t know. You want her? You don’t need any cash for that. She’s free.

ARTIE: She was my first. Now I think I want her back.

PUCK: So go get her.

ARTIE: It’s not that simple, I was kind of mean to her when I blew her off.

PUCK: Oh, this is perfect. The thing about chicks is you only have to be a fraction as nice to them as you are mean to them to get them to like you again.

ARTIE: So what do we do?

PUCK: Here’s a little community service coming at ya. You and I are gonna and go on a double date with Santana and Brittany to the ‘Stix.

ARTIE: Yeah!

PUCK: Best community servicer ever, right?

SCENE ELEVEN: DALTON HALLWAY

KURT: Oh, excuse me. Um, hi. Can I ask you a question? I’m new here.

BLAINE: My name’s Blaine.

KURT: Kurt. So what exactly is going on?

BLAINE: The Warblers! Every now and then they throw an inpromptu performance in the senior commons. Tends to shut the school up for a while.

KURT: So, wait, the glee club here is kind of cool?

BLAINE: The Warblers are like rock stars. Come on, I know a shortcut.

SCENE TWELVE: DALTON CHOIR ROOM

KURT: Ooh, I stick out like a sore thumb.

BLAINE: Well, next time, don’t forget your jacket, new kid. You’ll fit right in. Now, if you’ll excuse me.

BLAINE and THE WARBLERS sing Teenage Dream.

SCENE TWELVE: HALLWAY

TINA: Wait. That’s hilarious. Picturing Beiste helps cool you off?

MIKE: That’s what Sam said.

TINA: Really? Well, let’s get a room.

SCENE THIRTEEN: CLASSROOM

TINA: I love making out under the stars.

MIKE: Ooh.

TINA: Mmm, with those abs, you could be my very own [?].

MIKE: It’s getting hot in here. We should probably cool off.

TINA: I’m so turned on right now.

FANTASY: DANCE ROOM

BEISTE: This’ll cool you down a little bit.

BACK TO: CLASSROOM

TINA: Beiste.

MIKE: What did you just say?

TINA: Nothing. I gotta go. I’ll see you in glee club.

MIKE: Beiste?

SCENE FOURTEEN: HALLWAY

QUINN: Just be honest with me. I won’t get mad at you if you tell me the truth, I’ll be relieved.

SAM: Really. Because it looks like you’re gonna be mad no matter what I say.

QUINN: You said another woman’s name while you were kissing me. Look. I get it. She’s in a position of power over you, which can be exciting and you clearly like women who give you a hard time.

SAM: I’m not cheating on you with my football coach! Look. Can we talk about this in private?

QUINN: Why, am I embarrassing you?

SAM: It’s not what you think.

QUINN: What I think is that I’m not putting out for you, so you’re getting wherever you can, including the locker room with the Beiste.

BEISTE: What’s this?

QUINN: This is a lover’s quarrel and it’s your fault!

BEISTE: Watch your tone with me missy, you crap on my leg, I’ll cut it off!

QUINN: I’ll leave you two.

WILL: Everything okay?

BEISTE: I…

MIKE: Stay away from my woman.

BEISTE: What the hell’s going on around here?

WILL: What’s going on, Sam?

SCENE FIFTEEN: CHOIR ROOM

WILL: How many of the guys have done this?

SAM: All the guys whose girlfriends won’t put out.

MIKE: The girls too.

WILL: This is really bad, guys. What if Coach Bieste were to find out about it? Think about how hurt she’d be.

SAM: It’s not personal.

WILL: Of course it’s personal! Look, Coach Bieste is like us. Like glee club, she’s an outsider at this school. No one appreciates her or her talent because they’ve decided she’s too different. And for you guys to abuse that, even in private, is the opposite of everything we’re trying to achieve in here.

SAM: But we’re just thinking about it, it’s not like we’re actually, you know, making fun of her to her face.

WILL: I need you to stop. And spread the word to all the other glee guys. And girls! This ends here and now. And Coach Bieste can never know about this.

SAM: Okay.

MIKE: Alright.

SCENE SIXTEEN: DALTON CAFE

BLAINE: Latte?

KURT: Thank you.

BLAINE: This is Wes and David.

KURT: It’s very civilised of you to invite me for coffee before you beat me up for spying.

DAVID: We are not going to beat you up.

WES: You were such a terrible spy, we thought it was sort of endearing.

BLAINE: Which made me think that spying on us wasn’t really the reason you came.

KURT: Can I ask you guys a question? Are you guys all gay?

BLAINE: Uh, uh, no. I mean, I am, but no, these two have girlfriends.

WES: This is not a gay school. We just have a zero tolerance harrassment policy.

DAVID: Everybody gets treated the same. No matter what they are. It’s pretty simple.

BLAINE: Would you guys excuse us?

DAVID: Take it easy, Kurt.

BLAINE: I take it you’re having trouble at school.

KURT: I’m the only person out of the closet at my school. And I tried to stay strong about it, but there’s this Neanderthal who’s made it his mission to make my life a living hell. And nobody seems to notice.

BLAINE: I know how you feel. I got taunted at my old school, and it really pissed me off. I even complained about it to the faculty. And they were sympathetic and all, but you could just tell that nobody really cared. It was like, hey, if you’re gay, your life’s just gonna be miserable. Sorry. Nothing we can do about it. So I left. I came here. Simple as that. So you have two options. I mean, I’d love to tell you to just come enrol here, but tuition at Dalton’s sort of steep, and I know that’s not an option for everybody. Or you can refuse to be the victim. Prejudice is just ignorance, Kurt. And you have a chance right now to teach him.

KURT: How?

BLAINE: Confront him. Call him out. I ran, Kurt. I didn’t stand up. I let bullies chase me away. And it is something that I really, really regret.

SCENE SEVENTEEN: CHOIR ROOM

MERCEDES: The boys beat us the last time we competed against them, we’ve gotta bring the noise hard this time.

QUINN: To be fair, they didn’t officially beat up. We got busted for Vitamin D possession before the vote.

SANTANA: Wait. Something’s definitely wrong. Why isn’t Rachel talking?

BRITTANY: Yeah, she should totally be bossing us around right now.

RACHEL: The idea of the assignment was to do the opposite of what we normally do. I’m just trying to stick to the lesson plan, which is proving nearly impossible since you’re gluing the sequins on backwards. Spies!

PUCK: Lighten up! We’re here to talk to Santana and Brittany. Remember: don’t trust your instincts.

SANTANA: Hmm. So. How does it feel to be a free man?

ARTIE: All I can say is I don’t want a long-term relationship with either of you. Especially Brittany since I’m not in love with her.

BRITTANY: Do you guys wanna go out to dinner tonight?

PUCK: Not really.

SANTANA: Oh.

PUCK: Tell you what. You two show up at Breadstix tomorrow night around seven, and if we don’t find hotter chicks to date tonight, we might show up.

SANTANA: You are totally cool.

BRITTANY: Awesome.

ARTIE: I can’t believe it. You’re a genius.

SCENE EIGHTEEN: TEACHER’S LOUNGE

BIESTE: Hey, Will. Can I talk to you for a second?

WILL: Yeah.

BIESTE: What’s going on with your glee club kids? They’ve been mouthing off to me. One of them even said to stay away from their girl. I don’t get it. You know, I’m the coach here, Will. And if the students here don’t respect me, I can’t do my job.

WILL: Well, Coach, I don’t know what to tell you.

BIESTE: Will, please. Be straight with me. You’re the only person in this school I trust. Please.

WILL: Why don’t you have a seat. This is really awful, and I don’t want you to take it personally. I mean, they’re just kids, you know how they can be.

BIESTE: Just tell me.

WILL: I guess it’s become sort of a thing that when the kids are making out and they sort of wanna cool off a little, they think of you. In compromising positions.

BIESTE: Like what?

WILL: Like… in lingerie. Coach, don’t take it personally.

BIESTE: I do take it personally, Will. I take it very, very personally.

WILL: Shannon. Shannon, wait, I- ahh!

SCENE NINETEEN: BREADSTIX

PUCK: So there I was at juvy in the breakfast line in the mess hall, when I notice me and the guy behind me going for the same waffle. This guy’s 6'11. 300 easy. He’s got his teeth filed into canines, tats everywhere. It gets better. So I turn around, I flex my left peck, and I flex my right peck. And I say to the guy, leggo my eggo. And you know what he does? He lets go of my eggo!

SANTANA: Ooh!

ARTIE: That’s right!

SANTANA: You should be our nation’s president.

PUCK: Maybe.

BRITTANY: I’ve been squeezing your leg for like, the last hour and a half. Are you not attracted to me?

ARTIE: Sorry, I was really distracted by our waitress. She’s totally into me.

WAITRESS: I can take that when you’re ready.

ARTIE: Thank you.

PUCK: Alright, guys, let’s move, this meal has been comped.

ARTIE: What?

PUCK: Dude, I don’t pay for food. It’s my thing, yo. So we’re going to dine and dash. Let’s go.

WAITRESS: Do you need any change?

ARTIE: Keep it. Thanks.

PUCK: What the hell was that about?

ARTIE: Sorry, I couldn’t do it. She gave us free refills, and I figure she’s got kids, I’m not gonna do that to her.

PUCK: Whatever dude, you wussed out! So have fun taking the short bus home, because I’ll be escorting these lovely ladies back to che Puckerman for a little sookie-sookie.

ARTIE: Wait. Seriously?

PUCK: Damn straight! I’m giving you all my trade secrets here. If you don’t want my help, then fine. You’re on your own.

SCENE TWENTY: CHOIR ROOM

The girls of NEW DIRECTIONS sing Start Me Up / Living On A Prayer

WILL: Ladies, very, very impressive! What made you guys choose those songs?

RACHEL: Well-

BECKY: Coach said to give you this.

SCENE TWENTY-ONE: AUDITORIUM

SUE: Take a good look, William. Because Sue Sylvester’s got two things to show you. To my left - I have one confetti cannon. To my right - you’ll find another confetti cannon. You know what that means?

WILL: No, Sue.

SUE: We got Bieste fired. And my full budget is restored.

WILL: Wait, what?

SUE: Well, actually, she quit, but I’ll take the [?]. And it was your kids who made it happen, Will! It finally occured to them to stop singing that nonsense about how awesome it is to be alive or ugly or whatever the point is you guys are always trying to make. And instead, they just got mean. Congratulations, Will.

WILL: Wait. Coach Bieste quit?

SUE: I believe I just said that, Andy Sullivan. You want me to sign it into your palm? And now if you’ll excuse me, and if you wouldn’t mind just cleaning all this up. That’d be great.

SCENE TWENTY-TWO: HALLWAY

KURT: Hey!

SCENE TWENTY-THREE: LOCKER ROOM

KURT: I am talking to you!

KAROFSKY: Girls locker room’s next door.

KURT: What is your problem?

KAROFSKY: Excuse me?

KURT: What are you so scared of?

KAROFSKY: 'Sides you sneaking in here to peek at my junk?

KURT: Oh yeah, every straight guy’s nightmare, that all us gays are secretly out to molest and convert you. Well guess what, Hammerhawk? You’re not my type.

KAROFSKY: That right?

KURT: Yeah. I don’t like chubby boys who sweat too much and are gonna be bald by the time they’re thirty.

KAROFSKY: Do not push me, Hummel.

KURT: You gonna hit me? Do it.

KAROFSKY: Don’t push me!

KURT: Hit me, 'cause it’s not gonna change who I am. You can’t punch the gay out of me anymore than I can push the ignormaus out of you.

KAROFSKY: Get out of my face!

KURT: You are nothing but a scared little boy who can’t handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are!

SCENE TWENTY-THREE: CHOIR ROOM

WILL: Well. I genuinely hope you guys are happy. Because Coach Bieste has quit.

FINN: Wait, what? That’s terrible.

SAM: Yeah, it’s not what we want.

ARTIE: That’s the opposite of what we want, the football team is actually winning.

WILL: Well then you’d better put your heads together and find a way to get her back, fast. Because I am actually ashamed of you. You really hurt someone who was a great addition to this school.

RACHEL: I’m sorry. What exactly did we do?

FINN: No, it’s us. The boys.

MIKE: And Tina.

FINN: We sort of… figured out that picturing Bieste while making out was even better than a cold shower. I mean I don’t, ever.

QUINN: Oh, wow. I’m sorry.

SANTANA: Can I just say that is what happens when people don’t put out. If everyone just put out, we would have a winning football team.

FIGGINS: William! I need to see you and Noah Puckerman in my office please.

SCENE TWENTY-FOUR: FIGGINS’ OFFICE

PUCK: This is garbage! I’ve been doing my community service!

MS MARTIN: When you wrote hangin’ with a crip on your probation application, we thought you were going to do outreach with the local gang.

PUCK: But I’ve totally been helping Artie. I got him a date, I made him some sweet cash. Please, Mr Schue, you gotta help me out here.

WILL: Ms Martin, there’s gotta be some way Puck can make up for this. He’s been a model student since he got back.

MS MARTIN: Three whole days work? Impressive. Look, there are rules. If Mr Puckerman doesn’t find a suitable alternative for his community service by tomorrow, his probation will be revoked and he’ll have to go back to the Mondale School for the boys.

PUCK: Oh, screw that, I am not going back there!

FIGGINS: Mr Puckerman, calm down!

PUCK: No, you calm down! All of you calm down! I’ve told you, I’m not going back there. What are you writing? Gimme that.

WILL: Puck! This isn’t helping.

PUCK: Helping? Since when does any one of you care about helping me? None of you care about me!

SCENE TWENTY-FIVE: OUTSIDE STAIRWELL

KURT: [?] again.

BLAINE: Don’t worry about it, just let me do the talking.

KURT: There he is.

BLAINE: I got your back. Excuse me.

KAROFSKY: Hey, ladyboys. This your boyfriend, Kurt?

BLAINE: Kurt and I would like to talk to you about something.

KAROFSKY: I gotta go to class.

BLAINE: Kurt told me what you did.

KAROFSKY: Oh, yeah? What’s that?

KURT: You kissed me.

KAROFSKY: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

BLAINE: It seems like you might be a little confused. And that’s totally normal. This is a very hard thing to come to terms with, and you should just know that you’re not alone.

KAROFKSY: Do not mess with me!

KURT: You have to stop this!

BLAINE: Well, he’s not coming out any time soon. What’s going on? Why are you so upset?

KURT: Because until yesterday, I had never been kissed. Or at least, one that counted.

BLAINE: Come on. I’ll buy you lunch.

SCENE TWENTY-SIX: LOCKER ROOM

WILL: Didn’t make you for a quitter.

BIESTE: Don’t, Will. You have no idea what it’s like.

WILL: For what it’s worth? My kids feel awful. And they like you. They respect you.

BIESTE: Isn’t that just what every girl wants to hear from a guy? Nah. Screw this. I’ll find my place somewhere else. I need a life change. You know, maybe I’ll get a job as a cooler at a Honkytonk bar. I don’t know. Maybe an ice road trucker.

WILL: Stop. You just stop. I get it. All of us are scarred by high school. Next to our parents, nothing screws a person up more. And people like us, we’re stupid enough to come back here and relive that pain, every day! Right?

BIESTE: I’m not gay, you know. I know I can be a little intimidating sometimes, but deep down inside, where no-one can see, I’m just a girl. Am I nuts that I just wanna be reminded of that sometimes?

WILL: Well, that’s what dating is for.

BIESTE: Last date I went on, the guy was a freak. All he wanted to do was wrestle.

WILL: Well, let me help you out, then. I’m sure there are plenty of guys-

BIESTE: No, there aren’t. I’m kind of a specific type, Will.

WILL: Well, you gotta put yourself out there, try online dating.

BIESTE: I’ve never been kissed, Will. It’s the simplest thing. A kiss. It’s a doorway to everything else, you know? Promise. Hope. A future with someone. What’s that say about me? I’m forty, and I haven’t even taken those baby steps yet.

WILL: What that says to me is that you are a beautiful, amazing woman, whose heart is just too big for most men to stand.

BIESTE: You really think I’m pretty, Will?

WILL: Inside and out. And now you’ve been kissed. Hey, come to the choir room. Tomorrow at four. The guys wanna apologise to you in person.

BIESTE: You tricking me into a make-out session, Schuester?

SCENE TWENTY-SEVEN: HALLWAY

ARTIE: I didn’t see you in Geometry today.

PUCK: Jackpot! No you didn’t. I’m getting out of here. I’m skipping town, genius. My probation officer says hanging out with you isn’t real community service, so if I don’t spend the next six weeks picking up garbage on the highway, they’re gonna send me back to juvy.

ARTIE: So? What’s wrong with picking up trash?

PUCK: Are you serious? It’s ghetto, dude! I’m not a garbage man. You know how humiliating that is? I’m not doing it, and I’m not going back to juvy.

ARTIE: Why, I thought you loved it there?

PUCK: Yeah? I lied. It’s fricking terrifying, dude. On the first day, three gang members jumped me and before the security guards pulled them off, they’d already tore out my nipple ring. I thought I was a badass. There’s some hard dudes in there. Guys with no families. Guys who look at you like you’re some kind of dog they can’t wait to kick the crap out of. And they kept taking my waffles.

ARTIE: So you be my community service.

PUCK: What?

ARTIE: I owe you. You got me a date with Brittany. And you made me feel cool, which is not the easiest thing to do. I really like hanging out with you, so let me tutor you in Geometry while you pick up garbage by the highway. Geometry’s easy, yo! There’s no excuse for a guy as smart as you not to get at least a B.

PUCK: I was kind of a jerk to you at Breadstix.

ARTIE: Whatever. Just pay me back for the pasta.

PUCK: Running out without paying was a stupid idea. If I got caught I’d be screwed.

ARTIE: You need to start hanging around with someone who’s a good on you, Puck. Gimme six weeks. If you don’t ace your Geometry mid-term, I swear I’ll buy you all the waffles you can eat.

PUCK: That’s dope, dude. You got a deal.

SCENE TWENTY-EIGHT: CHOIR ROOM

BIESTE: I don’t get it, it’s boys against the girls, but what’s the winner get?

FINN: Well, we were hoping for your forgiveness.

SAM: Yeah. We just want to apologise for hurting your feelings.

FINN: Coach Bieste, we think you’re awesome. And even though you’re all hard and tough on the outside, it doesn’t mean you’re not the opposite on the inside.

SAM: Like a chocolate turtle.

FINN: Totally. You’re nougatty. We totally get that now. You’re like a mash-up.

WILL: Why don’t you guys just get to the song.

ARTIE: Totally. This mash-up is dedicated to you, Coach. Hard and badass on one hand, and soft and girly on the other hand.

PUCK: We hope it makes you smile, 'cause when you smile you’re pretty and it lights up the room. Seriously.

The boys of NEW DIRECTIONS perform Free Your Mind / Stop In The Name Of Love

BIESTE: That was really good. I liked it. Thank you.

ARTIE: Come over here! Come on!