Notes

I stand in front of the mirror, sighing at my appearance. I really need a haircut, but I also really need to die.

I pull the navy hat on, the color contrasting against my white sweater. I frown even further, but slip my canvas shoes on because I can't be bothered to coordinate my outfits.

With a couple steps, I'm at my door and opening it, already turning to relock it as I leave.

"Good morning," I hear behind me.

I jump, my fist slamming against the door frame painfully, earning a solid yelp out of me.

I turn around and of course, he's still sitting there.

"Yori? W-What are you doing here?" I ask, suddenly feeling embarrassed about my rubbish appearance.

"Woah," he smiles. "Your voice is different. You sound softer."

This only makes me feel more self conscious, making me shrink a little against my door as I fixate my eyes on the floor.

"Sorry, sorry, didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, just an observation," I watch his feet as he struggles to stand up. "So, what are your plans today?"

I shift around a little, concentrated very hard on the carpet instead of the boy in front of me. How do I even talk to him? Last night I had the adrenaline of being so close to the end that it fueled my faux confidence, but now I'm just... I'm me again. A disappointment. A constant headache.

"You play the ukulele?" Yori asks. He leans to look around me, examining the small guitar shaped bag strapped to my back.

My feet shuffle backwards until I'm pressed against the door, so, I just nod quietly.

"Hey, nothing to be scared of," he reaches out.

Oh no.

His hand comes up to my chin, his fingers feeling soft and delicate against my fur. He gently lifts my head to look up, and my eyes feel close to watering.

He looks much more tired than he did last night, making me wonder if he slept at all. Did he really stay up to make sure I wouldn't go back to the roof?

Nobody's ever taken that much of an interest in me.

"What are you doing here?" I ask him.

"In the hall?" He asks, looking around. "I live here, you know. You think I'm here just for you? Oh, sorry to disappoint, but I've already got prior commitments."

"No," I shake my head. I move away from his touch, and he places his paw against the door next to my head. "Why are you here? With me."

"Because," he stands up to his full height. "I felt something last night."

"What the fuck," I straighten up, going down the hall. It seems he's trying to block my way to a lot of places, and I hope I don't have to deal with it much longer. I've got places to be, surprisingly.

"No, no," he follows me, "Not like- ah, you wouldn't understand. Never mind."

"I wouldn't understand?" I repeat.

"No," he shakes his head. "You- you feel things. That's obvious, but like... you feel so much. That's why you were up there, right? Because you feel so much and you feel everything all at once all the time, and you want it to stop. Right?"

I feel my skin prickle at the accurate assumption, my mind telling me to absolutely run from someone who can see what's happening in my mind. I'm not safe. I've built walls all around me to protect myself from things like this happening, but he's on the inside of the cage, staring at my brain like an interesting zoo animal worth observing.

"Oh, so you think you've got me figured out just because you assume we're the same since we were both up there?" I step into the empty elevator, but he does not follow. With a sigh of relief, I press the lobby button, and watch Yori stand on the outside of the closing doors.

"No, that's where you're wrong," he laughs, holding his paw out to stop the doors.

Won't he just leave me alone?

"So what? What am I so wrong about?" I ask him, hating the whine my voice takes on. Stop pouting about being alive, it's annoying as fuck. Just stop being alive. That's annoying too.

"You think I was up there because I feel too much," he shakes his head. "But I'm not like you. I was up there because I don't feel anything."

His paw leaves the door and drops back down to his side, the boy smiling at me. "Nothing at all."

The doors start to close, Yori slipping away from me at his most vital point in conversation.

"That is, until I saw you," he says. I panic at the closing doors, wanting to pull him into the confined space with me. What's he trying to say? What does he mean?

"Yori-"

"I saw you and didn't feel empty," he explains. "So that's why I'm here. With you."

The door closes, separating the two of us. I immediately step forward, pressing my palm against the cold steel of the elevator doors, my body lost for air as I descend to the lobby.

He'll be gone when I get back, so there's no point trying to cling to the thoughts surrounding him. Nice things like that don't happen to me, they come and go and pass as quickly as they come. Happiness is but a fleeting thought, and the sadness always finds a way to creep back in. No point in trying to hold onto this person just because of a couple sparks he ignites within me. Those sparks will fizzle out, and he will leave.

But the sadness will remain.

The sadness always remains.

I stop the elevator, and then press the 42 button on the control panel. The elevator starts to rise once more, and when the doors reopen, I see Yori on the other end of the hall. He's got the door to the stairwell open, and I wonder if he was going back up to the roof. I can feel the pull towards him. My mind wanted to get away from him, but my body just woke up. My heart is saying that I need to get closer. The only thing stronger than my head is my heart.

I step out of the elevator and when it dings, he turns to look at me down the stretch of hallway. He lets the stairway door close and just stands there, watching me curiously.

"What did I make you feel?" I ask.

I take a step forwards, the space between us feels way too far. I want to explore him. I want to know his mind and compare the parallels to mine. I want to let him in, show him my insides, and give him the power to be my fleeting happiness.

"What do you mean?" He feigns innocence.

"You don't feel anything," I walk towards him, and he starts to meet me halfway. "You don't feel anything, until you looked at me. What did you mean? What do I make you feel? Is it... is it worth something?"

"Yeah," he nods with a laugh. "You made me shiver. I felt like my bones were going to collapse. The Great Perhaps was presented in front of me with a look of true unhappiness, like you had never been shown love before. You made me feel scared and excited and you made me ache with longing. Can you believe that? Can you believe any of that? All from one boy on a roof."

"What else?" I ask, my voice trembling. My body shakes with the pleasure of hearing someone want to accept me.

My god, for someone to tell me I'm worth something...

He laughs a little bashfully, and shoves his paws in his pockets. "I can't tell you everything. Then I won't be interesting. Then, you won't stop elevators to come talk to me."

"I will," I nod.

"Will you?" He asks me.

I find it hard to search for a reply. It's hard to commit to anything when I don't see myself being alive at the end of the week. But while I'm here, standing in front of him, I decide I need to be brave.

He's right. I stopped an elevator to come back. Maybe if I hadn't, he would have gone up to the roof and finished last night's business. But he didn't, because here I am, not letting him be just a fleeting thought. And last night, I didn't go back up there because I knew he was outside my apartment door. Right now, we're the only thing stopping each other.

The two of us stand staring at each other intensely, like it's a game. A challenge. Who's going to give up first? Who's going to step over the ledge first?

"Okay," I nod.

"Yeah?" He smiles.

"Yeah," I shrug. I suppose, if this goes wrong, that'll really be a good note to end this life on. I can try again, start over next time.

"Alright," he nods. "I'll see you tomorrow, then, George."

"Where are you going?" I ask in an embarrassingly frantic tone.

He takes a few steps backwards, and says "I've got class. This art design major isn't going to appear by itself, you know."

"You're a student?" I step forward. Why am I following him? Why am I so drawn to him? I didn't even want anything to do with him less than ten minutes ago!

"Yeah," he nods, laughing. "I really gotta go. You're going to make me late!"

"Where are all your books?" I tilt my head in confusion, my ears lazily flopping down in sync.

Yori holds his paws up, wiggling his fingers. "All an artist needs is ten fingers and a muse, which, I now have."

His eyes drop down as he examines me in the same curious way he did last night, when he told me he was just 'admiring'. I feel lost. What was I even going to do today? I don't remember. He's consumed my mind. Is my life so desolate that any mysterious boy who can spit out manufactured pretentious philosophical garbage just automatically becomes the primary owner of my thoughts?

He's dangerous. The part of my brain that is afraid of everything is telling me to just walk away, because I have seen many of my friends get torn apart by this thing called love. I don't want to get hurt, not more than I already am. I don't need a friend, I don't need a lover. I'm safer if I don't allow any charming boys to just waltz in so perfectly.

"Will you come over after class?" I ask pathetically.

God, I really am despicable.

Whining and begging some stranger to just give up his precious time to hang with some worthless, low-life scum like me. How sad can I get?

"Chinese or burgers?" He asks me.

What?

"What?" I voice.

"I'll bring dinner. Do you like Chinese or American?" He points his paws towards me, fingers folded into the 'finger guns' position.

"Oh," I smile. I don't feel like fighting this one off, so I just let it take over my face. "Chinese? Sushi, specifically."

He stumbles a little while walking backwards, causing him to laugh in a very beautiful way. I don't say anything, just watch him continue to walk backwards, his smile spreading in me like a wildfire.

"Okay, I'll see you later. Promise not to die on me?" He asks. His back hits the staircase door, but I know he's not planning on going up.

"Only if you promise first," I speak up.

He smiles at me, and nods.

"Promise."

"Then I promise too," I reply. "Go, you're going to be late."

I stand in the hall for minutes even after Ian leaves. I stare at the spot he was standing, my brain spinning in shock. Was that real? Did that really just happen?

And with a guy, too.

I never thought that it would be a guy, but now that I've met one worth looking at, it kind of makes sense. I've never had a girlfriend, but that's because my recurring inner tortured screams about Kato that I used to just brush off as the affection I feel for a best friend.

Of course it's a guy.

I smile a little, and start walking back to my apartment. What even were my plans? I'm sure they couldn't be very productive, not with the Big Plan that's constantly on my brain.

I still find myself shaking even once I'm inside the safety of my home. I've invited him over, but there's nothing to clean up because I try to leave little mess wherever I go. The Big Plan was that my brain on the concrete would be the only mess that the police would have to take care of, because I left my apartment so spotless that it can only be clear that I was planning to jump.

This stuff doesn't just happen to people, right? This kind of stuff is only in novels, it certainly doesn't happen to people like me. It's not necessarily Yori himself, but it's just... the idea of Yori. The stranger that suddenly makes me feel worth something. That can't be real, right?

It feels real, and sometimes that's enough. I'll take whatever I can get.