Notes

I know, it is weird. It is probably difficult or say i'm making it difficult I really don't know. Trust me, I just don't want to do any of that to you, it hurts me more than you when I can't comfort you, or I of all the people am the reason of your discomfort.
You know its not that I have not tried to brush these thoughts off my head, I know it is as difficult for you. But I just fail to understand that why is it getting even more difficult with every single passing day.
I talked to myself, I tried figuring it out, you know I'm insecured. Now, why am I? should I be? I don't know that. What I know is I'm not insecured about loosing you to someone else, but I'm ohh yes I am hell lot of scared/insecured/worried of the idea of loosing you as a whole, which includes the current distance too. It just probably adds on to all of that.
You know, you asked me today that why do I feel this way now, when we are already almost there and not 1.5 year back. Well, to be honest I kind of made a compromise with my feelings at that time, keeping you in my heart was the only thing I could do back then, and at that time I just didn't know I was angry I was hurt with you, with myself and I don't know a lot to process. All I knew was I can love you always in my heart, for that I don't need anybody's permission or no one can stop me with that.
But now, when I know we are almost there, but in reality we are not and I just don't know sometimes it scares me a lot, the idea of whatever happened then. I almost lost you, and that was the most difficult thing ever, I just can't do that now. I know you have said that you are never ever gonna leave me, I know you take care of every single thing of me/about me. You have completed me in a way (not that one :P) that the thought of detaching yourself from me just makes me so scared. I'm scared of nothing, in my life now but the thought of being away, staying away just kills me.
I don't know why these thoughts keep on coming back to me again and again. Mai smjhati hu khudko, par koi fayda nahi hota. aisa lagta hai ki han bahut lamba safar travel kar lia or abhi ye feel ho hi raha tha ki safar khatam hi hone ko hai tab dekha ki nahi, ye to sirf dhokha tha abhi toh bht lamba hai ye safar. Ab ye keh lo ki mai kamzor ho gayi hu, ya mai kamzor hu, mai nahi kar pa rahi. Janti hu ttum nahi sochte aisa, janti hu tumhara point of view, par kya karu khudko smjha hi nahi pa rahi.
abhi bhi jo bolna chahti thi woh dhang se nahi bol pai smjha nahi pai, par aj tumse baat karke laga ki shyad mene tumhe bhi usi jagah khada kar dia jaha mai hu, toh mai or zyada darr gayi, kyuki agar tumhe bhi esa hi mehsus ho raha hai toh phir
Sach kahu toh shayad ye mahina hi aisa hai, han me vehmi hu, par tumhi dekho na har baar woh din aata hai, hum bht khush hote hai or uske kuch waqt baad hi jo hta hai tumhe pata hai. Mujhe apneaap se darr lag raha hai ab, mai bhag rahi hu pata nahi kis se or kyu, kyu aisa ho raha hai jawab bhi nahi mil ra, or woh uncertainity or pareshan kar rahi hai.
I hope kuch samjha pai hu, ki kya ho raha hai or please muje maaf karna agar maine kuch bhi galat keh ya kar k tumhe hurt kia ho, kyuki mai ye ek chiz kabhi nahi chahti par kar jati hu.
I really really love you