Notes

My life starts of like everyone else's, I was born into a normal life with a decent family. I couldn’t remember much about my life until the age of three. Well that’s when everything started. My 'decent family' changed. Not me, nor my new sister, not even my mother. My father was the thing that changed.
My mum wanted to leave my dad, for reasons ill explain later. From this he started acting, strange, he was more suicidal and did stupid acts that endangered me, my mum and my sister. Mum only said one thing, that he decided to speed stupidly down a motorway and slam his breaks on only to scare my mum. My dad would hit my mum after her ideas to leave took place. We were sent to my nans house as he threw us would, with nothing. After a year or so we had to move out, as my 'dad' would have started doing stupid acts, yet again. We were transferred into a woman's refugee, because my dads act became more physical and violent. After a while of living there, my mum got a new boyfriend, my step-dad. This angered my dad and outside Jon's house, he lived with his parents, him and a group of friends beat him up. My dads sister went to Jon's sisters house, shouting and screaming. Finally we got a new house. Us four, it was amazing. Moving from a refugee to a new house. it was great.
Finally, my time for school came. It was great, for a few years. My life became normal for a few years. Then again life became a bitch. I wasn’t very popular in school, I has no choice but to become the class clown. This is where my life twisted again, and started to spiral down. In year 3 I made my first wrong choice, I decided to come dressed as a girl, for comic relief, form this I lost a few friends. Well I say a few.. I lost all my friends and was lonely. During year 4 I found my first friend, a best friend, who I trusted. However that was short lived as she was in a different year. Then again life became the worst thing yet. In the space of a week, I was tested for autism and needed glasses. I was put in a thing called ' Charter Rose'. This was a place where people with disabilities go. This didn’t go down well when I returned to my normal class. I decided to try and become the class clown again. Second mistake, I wanted to do this karaoke thing as I thought it was fun. My music teacher decided to make me sing in front of my class, with a class full of judgemental assholes. I was taken the piss out off. Then we went on a residential trip, for a moment I fitted in. It was great I became friends with a few people, and got my first girlfriend. After returning my girlfriends truth came out, she had a boyfriend. I was hit a few times. As pathetic as it sounds now but back then it was a lot. I went home to over hear my grandma talking about me to my cousin. My mum was explaining the autism thing to her and her dull blunt response was "Oh well, we were able to tell that anyway. He was born stupid and will be" As a child this was also a lot. My mum and nan fell out. So that’s how it was for now, no friends and limited family members. I had a Step mum and Step brother and they were amazing. I loved them, but things changed and my dad left them. Got a new girlfriend who was horrible. We weren't allowed to see our step family again.
When I moved into year 5, things got so much worse. Like a lot worse. I started seeing my dad again and staying every weekend, I slept with my sister, was fed nothing and was treated like a slave. Early on I had a bad teacher, who hated me. I was picked on and embarrassed out of my skin on countless occasions. Then it happened, I had a sudden pain below and was rushed into hospital. I woke up in a hospital bed with a nurse next to me, telling me I wasn’t allowed to go into school or walk for a while, or do sport. Great my football life is over. I had something where my testicle was entering my stomach and was twisted, I had glue wrapped around my balls. I was at home for ages. Just before this I got my second girlfriend, I gradually lost her because of my operation. When I went back to school. I was again embarrassed, but in front of the school. I was made to sing in front of the school as a punishment, I stood there and it started hurting, from the glue, so I fell to my knees. There I lost my friends and my girlfriend. I then got my first counsellor, to tell everything to. Then I wanted nothing to do with my dad, he started shouting at me and threatened me. Then things started going well, I got a new sister and I was able to do sport. My dad then moved to Weymouth and we started seeing him. It was great. But he stopped caring, he came up and didn’t see us but his girl friend the horrible one. Then came our SATS tests and I failed horribly, to embarrassed to share I didn’t tell anyone. All during this my nan compared me and my dad continued acting.
Then came secondary school. It was the new best thing, meeting new people, new friends, new faces, teachers and subjects. It was amazing for the first two terms. The first person I fancied, fancied Finn. Who at this point was the greatest person ever. Then became my suicidal thoughts and depression. The bullying began, I lost all my friends and gradually people turned on me. It started just comments, then turned physical. Becoming everyday in school. Then went I was outside of school, then over social media. Every day for 9 months, I was bullied, abused and made to feel worthless. I slowly became inane. Insane with fear and starting hoping for a change. It did, only slightly though. I had three friends, Jack, Shelly and my girlfriend Chloe. I started feeling better about myself until I lost my girlfriend and a few days later Jack and Chloe became a thing. So now I had one person. I started to have battles with myself, either me staying or killing myself. Every single memory sticks with me, I can remember it like it just happened. It kills me an haunts me still. Then came French trip. I was completely alone and had no one. Not even my mum. As I was alone over the whole trip, I had time to think while still receiving these comments. On the way back, it was night on the ferry. I stood on the each, at the back, looking out at the emptiness of the sea. Then it all hit me, everything from the last 6 months. This was the first time I wanted to end it. I nearly threw myself into the sea then, but I couldn’t, I kept myself there. Apon I found myself back with Chloe. But the bad news continued. My grandad got his 4th and 5th cancer and my mum turned out to be diabetic. My insanity drove my mind to play tricks on me, I relived the same moment of my life every night before sleeping. Officially the worst day to date. I woke up and I was home alone so I made the third worst mistake. I left my house without a key to meet my girlfriend. Who left me again, so I lost another person. I stood there and felt nothing besides pain. I went home but couldn’t get in. Then they walked pasted. The 'Bullies' I was chased for a while but because of my speed I was lucky to get away. But they still shouted things. Finally, I had to go to a meeting with my second counsellor. Who basically sent me away saying 'Nothing can help you'. That was the worst I have ever felt. I never felt more unwanted and worthless. That was my dream I relived, every time I would become more and more scared and nervous. I became stupidly insecure, to the point I wouldn't leave my house. Through this things only got worse, I had voices talk to me telling me 'end it', 'do it' and all the words that broke me apart. I started seeing shadows that would taunt and haunt me. Making it clear I had nothing on this planet. I began my suicidal thoughts again. I started to hurt myself by cutting my wrists and thighs, I also burnt my self with salt and ice. When I needed air I started sneaking outside, early hours in the morning. One time I was sat opposite a canal, and the voices came. I nearly walked out there, into it. I made friends with a few people from different schools and built up the courage to go outside during the day. I went to the park with them and there they were. The ones I feared. After a while they noticed and started shouting insults, those insults. My friends, of which I had for a few weeks, also left me and blocked me. This was a beginning for bullies again. They all made new media accounts and started again. I was so done of it all, I was in so much pain. My wrists and thighs were covered, my mind wasn’t real. I had nothing, I was left and had nothing. So became my closest suicide attempt, I went outside at night with my bag. And went to this little forest. I had a rope and tidied it perfectly for the occasion. As I was about to complete it and end it all. I feel to the floor uncontrollably crying. It may seem silly but sometimes, I still think back to that day. Wishing I stepped backwards, to end it all.
After we went back to school, I became friends with my bullies and everything seemed okay. But those memories still killed me and the dreams, visions, sleep paralysis's and the voices. I was given a mentor who brought me back to myself, the only person i could talk to. He listened and helped all the time. He wasn’t just a mentor he became more of brother/ father figure. Until he left. As soon as he did, a switch changed in me. Being reminded of everything, instead of crying. I would get uncontrollable anger outbursts and fits where I would literally act like a mad man.
I know everything here may seem pathetic, but with all the side stories. Added to everything that actually happened. It was a large amount to handle.