Notes

Hi, Stranger!

Here I should add a little drama, so you better read it with a box of Kleenex and a tub of ice cream. Although I've always thought that I got a talent to create a comedy from the darkest drama.
Of course it doesn't matter to you, but for me there're some unresolved things.
And although my feelings were too one-sided, they were strong. They've changed me.
And I have no regrets.
And even though everything have passed, I'm still wondering, where have I made a mistake and fall in love, one-sided one.
And I want to know, it still hurts a little.. that fact..
Why did you kiss me, if u have a girlfriend?
...
I couldn't act, knowing that you've got someone. But as much I couldn't go away, so I was so-called friend. And then, when I was completely messed up, you just turned ur back on me. So tell me, what was my mistake? No, of course, I know, there were million of them😅. But I also understand, frankly, that wasn't about me. If we met at another time, at another place, at another life, it'd be different. Maybe you wil become my one and only or my closest friend. So what was that?
i can guess a lot. It's not the reason why I'm writing. Probably, I write this for myself. And of course, because I want u to get sick n tired of reading this multi-volume edition. It's the main reason :)

You know it's not like me, this letter, this feeling, absolutely (maybe despite my charming sense of humor, it's a blessing)... Wait, what was I saying? Oh yeah.. Freedom always came first for me. But that.. i could just leave.

That time. At Tikki, i guess. I was standing behind ur back and tying to leave. And that was time, when I've just understand, that I couldn't just leave. Leave with saying nothing. Right then, I understood how much I was in trouble. For the first time.

For the second time, I knew that, when you've just gone away that morning, just said "bye", that was easy for you. And it should be easy, actually. But I felt like smth was just ripped away from me. Logic? What is this logic? When I've just came to the Tikki,I saw only your silhouette, but I start shaking inside. I've never felt that.
I was definitely hostile to you that moment,it could be understandable, I fall in love for the first time. I felt so unsafe. But that faded fast, when I've listened to your music. I quickly understand that we've got the same feelings to this world. This pleasant surprise didn't leave me that night. But that's not the reason to fall in love.I still can't find answer why did i fall in love. And that doesn't matter. Cause you can love without any reason.

I was always skeptical of men and tell that about that. Well...
Those little cute clichés, that you told me that morning, made me laugh. I thought: "He's so easy, naive, and love the whole world. Who he reminds me of?" Well, yep, that was me. I get used to be strong and "old enough to make it through", all my independence and freed from relationships was just a mask, stupid one. But now, NOW I'm happy, trully free, I do what I love, I'm not afraid of love. Not anymore. Such an easy flight. Such a big pleasure to be young, fool and happy, I can kiss the whole world, that much I love it. And that's thanks to you. You reminded me whom I was once. Your flight over the railing and how you bumped your head into wooden beam 😂, that's when I had a thought that you're my type. Silly. I was surprised of that. But in comparison to what I was doing and saying that morning... well, now I can write a book "Hundred ways to leave your lover".

But, you know, the hardest thing was to hug you, look into ur eyes, falling with u, even at the cost of not to see u anymore. Your HEART IS SO BIG, yes. Well, maybe my heart isn't so big, but it was absolutely into you. Then, when I was trying to forget u, I gave my heart different variants, but the only answer I get was its crying. And u would be surprised, u would tell that it was just one little moment, and believe me, I'm surprised as well. If someone had told me, that I would fall in love in a few short seconds, I would have a good laugh. Cause in questions of love I always was carefull. Even avoid it. I would never let myself go with a stranger even for a friendly coffee. But this time I've got a feeling that I know you. For a long time.

For the third time, I felt pain, when I recognized,that you've got a gal. I would never signed up for it. Even though I fall in love. I would never ruin someone happiness.
i was sick of it. But instead of getting furious and send you flying, (i just couldn't hate u, no matter how much i try), i decided to become your friend, only a freind. I told u in my genius way, that we just friends. Firstly u said, that of course we're. I was happy(what is strange). But then u said, that maybe one day anything can changed, i was speechless, for me relationship is something.... I mean... if you love someone so much, that u decided to become his/her soulmate, what a hell?? Why do u need that? Is love not enough nowadays. That something that I could never understand, pardon.

And, things become more complicated for me. I felt helpless. I've done too much. I've said too much. And smth I never even told. I didn't tell who I am. What's my life about. What am I about :)

Friends, colleagues, everyone told me, that I have changed. Forget them. Stop shining around.
All around me life was bursting forth. Waves was broking over me. But I kept heading toward you. Wow, I'm such a POET :)
Well, I accept that my heart become a captain, from now on. But, alas, only this little rebel needed this love, not u, not me.
Things were getting farther. And I was ready for revolution. I know that I'm loco in good way, but that.... Well, i can say, that if we were together, I would move to a new country, learn a new language, build my life there. Don't be afraid :)
Actually, it's normal for me. I always have that sence of freedom. It wouldn't be hard for me to move somewhere, anywhere, refuse my sweet living, and risk it all. (ahahah sounds more pretensious than expected).

So, don't worry, by leaving me behind with all the fortitude that it requires, you didn't let me take part in "braidrain". Unofficially, u'r a hero in my country. :)

But for how long? I love my country, my people, but that doesn't stop me from loving the whole world as much. So... who knows, how this life would turn out..

Ouch, I get so off-topic.

..... AND than u just got tired of all that stuff. And that's not weird at all.. ahahah. Cause u didn't even got a chance to know me, u couldn't see me, hear me, you even didn't know what kind of person I am. Bwa-ha-ha😄)
So I understand that I need to leave. Without any sound. Maybe I would do that much earlier, if someone explain himself))
Lan... why did you even bring it up, without any feelings?
I can understand when someone that fall in love with me, can stand me :) But you... it's still a mystery to me. You're just a masochist, buddy. Seriously, you shoud do smth with it :)

So here it is. This letter! I wrote a letter... wow

Deep inside u know, that i don't mean no harm. And wish u the best.
And although sometimes u act silly and even cruelly, and sometimes you'r lost in your own feelings, drown in them, in that situations, you could hurt someone else, who doesn't suspect anything.. still you're a good man. I'm well aware that people with a big heart are brighter and warmer, "fleeting like fireworks, but fading too soon". It happens, if there would be no one around, who could keep this light in safe.... Wish u carefull and tender arms for that.

On the beach,I thought, I have never seen such an open-hearted pure young man. I was absolutely in love. If someone could touch my heart, than only with soul like yours. And it just so happens, I met you. But it wasn't our time. Now I know.

The only thing that handle me from opening myself was that fact that you will leave me.

Yes, you're good soul.
U can ask: "how could you know? We almost don't know each other"

Well I don't need to know what color is your toothbrush or what is your favourite film just to know that you're good one, warm-hearted, honest(almost everytime). As well as i didn't need to know what sign of the zodiac you're to know that I'm really in love.
All because I can feel. I have never felt such a warm from someone, that feeling was like... just a little more and i would lost myself in you. So I'm proud that my heart choose that naughty boy.

First Love. And So Beautiful.
Although it's one-way.
But it doesn't matter.
Cause we love someone not for mutuality.
Simply.
Without Reason.

I always step into the future with a smile on my face. And although this story is over, i don't like unsolved issues in the plot, so... if you want to you can answer, if not...
- well it means, you don't want to :)

Logic is my speciality, did I say?

When I wrote you a letter last time, I wasn't true, it wasn't easy for me, but that was right. And now the right thing would be write you, and tell the whole truth.

"Oh my love for the first time in my life my eyes are wide open..."
Now I'm happy and fulled of love (but that's good, cause it means that I'm alive. I don't wait for you to change ur mind. Cause you have her. And maybe you love her. And what can I do? Only keep loving. And hoping that someday someone will give me a chance to love and be loved. "There's no love dying here for me") and music and people around, you should know, I really wish you THAT MUCH LOVE as only your BIG HEART could give and understand. It would be beautiful love. You both would be beautiful.

Oooh, sentimental me) it's harder to hide this over the years. Wipes and ice cream on me. 😉

Here's my "bye" for you. I believe, all true feelings should be left that way: pure, bright. No drama, no hard feelings. Only love and gratitude, that it was here.

P.S.: If you read that far, firstly, hell yeah, I wasn't wrong about you! Secondly, hope you understand everything, I was trying to write simply. But, if u don't understand ....well, don't be upset. At least you're speaking👅.

P.P.S.: When I heard u firstly, I thought that we've got the same tastes in music. But... NOW... wow. I guess if spotify accounts could have a couple, two of ours would be perfect one. Isn't it a reason to laught at it all. We'd never know how much more we've got in common!
Love That!

Thank u. Just for a little moment.
But sometimes, even little moment's worth giving your life for😏