Notes

Never wanted me at my worst, always waited for my best
I tore myself down, and you picked up what was left
Man I lost count of how many times you stopped trying
All those times you said you loved me but why was you lying
Why the fuck this gotta happen to me
How are these kids just fine, as happy as can be
Man I just don't understand it, how did this happen

From normal kid; to depressed, drinking, getting head, breaking into buildings, praying people to smoke, lying to my parents, failing school. I fucked up. I was gonna be a DJ. The worlds best ever DJ. I fell into the pressure. I don't know if i can make it out. I don't know if i will. What if i become an alcoholic. What if i end up homeless. What if I'm doing everything wrong and I'm just gonna be a fuck up. What if i end up like my dad. What if i end up like my brother. What if, what if, what if... I could go on for years. But yet I can't think of any good things that could happen. I ruined my fucking dreams. There's no way I'm becoming a DJ anymore after all the shit i've done. I act like such a good kid in front of my parents but in reality, I'm a fuck up. I don't know what's wrong with me anymore tbh. I used to think it was my past and all the shit i've been through just effected me and that's how i ended up here but it doesnt make any sense. Because when i'm staying up late at night, depressed, I'm not thinking of my past. I rarely ever do. It can't be audrey because she makes me happy. Ya she pisses me off a fuck load and I think she does a lot of dumb shit to me that effects me more than she thinks but she doesn't do it on purpose because I know deep down she loves me. Recently I've just said that I'm depressed over nothing because I can't figure it out. I've tried everything. Except for cutting but like I'll probably forget to hide it knowing me. I couldn't even cover up some hickeys. Therapy didn't help me. He said nothing was wrong with me. Maybe I didn't open up enough. Maybe I'm not ready. I mean it's been a couple of months, even years, how could I not be ready. So if therapy doesn't work, talking to my "friends" makes things worse, drinking helps for a few hours but Audrey hates me after because she thinks I drink too much. Time hasn't helped because I've been depressed since February maybe. I can't deal with this for another year. But I think I probably will make it. But I really don't want to. I don't deserve to. I deserve to be happy. Everyone does. It's not fair. Apparently being depressed is a good thing because "you'll be stronger later on in life". If I have to go through this to be "stronger" then no thanks I'll pass. I would normally talk to audrey about this kind of thing but she hates me when I'm depressed so ig not. I know it sounds bad when I say that because then i shouldn't really date her if she only likes me when I'm in a certain mood but it goes much deeper than that. I think she just hates me when I'm dry to her because she thinks it's her fault. It's not her fault, it's mine but at the same time it's not my fault. I didn't choose to be like this. When I'm depressed, I don't want to talk to Audrey because I'm afraid I'll snap and say some fucked up shit so I'm always careful. I can't afford to lose her. I lost so many friends while going for her. Me and speller were so chill and I never even noticed it. I think our friendship goes like this: I met him and I knew that he lowkey smoked sometimes (sec 1). I remember when he was so excited to get hand for the first time. I thought he was crazy. But i still stayed by his side because he was there for me and I was there for him. One day, I was talking to anna on snap and I was super fucked up mentally and I started telling her shit about my life. Just as I told her that I was suicidal, speller logged onto her account and saw it. He snapbacked a picture of him holding up the middle finger and saying "kys fucking jew". I was so confused. I asked him if he read it properly and I told him i was serious. He knew. He knew I was serious. It was almost like he didn't care. I cared for him but when it came to my problems, he didn't care. From then on I talked to him less and less. A lot of people at the time were talking shit about him because he breaks up with a lot of girls and smokes a lot. A lot of people were basically hating on him. I started listening to them and believing them. I know I'm wrong for that but when he does something like he did to me, I had no reason not to believe them. At this time me and audrey were just good friends on snap but in person we rarely ever talked. I was always awkward. Speller came up to me at recess, told me that he got audreys nudes. I wasn't supposed to tell her and I didn't because I'm not that kind of person. My perspective of Audrey immediately changed. Now I associated her with "that crowd" (the crowd of people that smoked, drank, sent nudes, etc...) and I swore to myself that i would never mess with that crowd. Than audrey changed. I could tell she was catching feelings for me. I didn't know how i felt about her. I wasn't sure. I knew that whenever she texted me, i would jump on my phone. I guess some people heard something and started saying shit that I was going for audrey when it wasn't true, yet. Speller started hating me and started "bullying" me about the whole audrey thing. I just brushed it off. Than micaela started spreading spellers dick pics and speller got mad at Audrey for sharing them. I defended audrey and that's when everyone lost it and turned on me. I chose that if everyone hates me, and audrey has feelings for me, why would i try to make everyone like me again when i could just go to someone that actually likes me. Now, it sounds like i just went to audrey because she liked me but that's not true. I did like her and i did have feelings for her, even if I didn't notice it yet. Anyways, back to speller. One day at recess, i forget what happened but it was something like i said his shirt was dirty and then he told me to "slit my wrists and die like hannah baker".