Notes

I've been taking everything for granted lately.. And I have to make my amends. I've been boxing myself up, not allowing myself to be free. I've been letting negativity cloud my mind and letting the curiosity of what others may think about me, into my conscious. It has created an inhibition within me, a type of insecurity that I had none of in projects like the Monstrum.
Every mistake I do make, results in me beating myself up - over an incident that is literally inconsequential. This debacle ends up being followed by more and bigger mistakes, to the point where I feel like I'm in a dream - that the fuck ups I've been experiencing aren't happening, because they've never happened before in such a way.
Yes, most times I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm incredibly unorganised. I think there is no way to resolve this as these attributes occur to me naturally. But I miss the times when I could live with them, when I used my flaws to my advantage, instead of using them as an excuse or as a reason to shut down.
I love acting, theatre runs through my veins and it's what I was fucking born to do, I do not give a flying hoot what anyone tries to say. They can try to take it away from me, or critique and critique me - but I do not fucking care, absolutely not. I will not stop holding on to what I love the most. I love it so much and I feel like what I've been doing recently does not show that I do. It's a type of passion that guides me through life, i literally remember the time i walked home through the lane and it was almost like a voice in my head just said acting is my passion, it's what I was born to do, and for days on end, up til now I have not stopped loving it. I fucking crave to become part of an imaginary world, to perform to an audience of people with so many different tastes and energies. The silence they make in that audience is mine to fill, it's my moment for once in my fucking life where I can look strong, powerful, and unbeatable. I can express myself endlessly and the world is at my fingertips, the stage is my canvas to paint a picture of who I am on. Whether that be me pirouetting, and sexually dancing on stage; or being an angsty ravenous teen kept in a cage who ends up getting lobotomised.
I cannot be told that I do not feel passionate, because me and only me is the only person who knows that. I'm the only fucking person who can tell myself how I feel - nobody can be around to dictate that.
I have been born with a gift, I know so deep in my heart - it would be such a waste to just throw it away like that. To decide on something else or just give up.
I also constantly compare myself to my old selves, saying that I used to be so much better. But the truth is, although my personality is forever swaying from left to right - and that I'm an extremely fickle and ever changing person; the love, joy, and talent of performing always stays with me. It's buried deep inside of me. Literally impossible to extract from who I am as a person, because I know so. There's no point in setting standards for myself, i can only go in everywhere with no expectations with what may happen. Keep my mind open. I will take it slow and let myself naturally evolve.
It's like I've been going through the five stages of grief.
First I was in denial about myself slipping away.
Second I would sometimes get angry at myself, beating myself up; hoping that doing so would improve myself for next time.
Then bargaining, I would listen to binaural beats and mantras. I would meditate and close my eyes thinking doing so would just magically take me back to who I was.
A type of depression soon kicked in... I felt myself going numb and constantly had to force a facade upon myself.
Now comes the acceptance tonight. Tonight I'm accepting the wrongs in what I've done, but not beating myself about it. I'm looking at it as a new chance to grow from - they do say you learn from your mistakes. I'm accepting that I can't force standards on myself, and try to progress like a flower in a growth lab. Instead I must naturally let myself grow, the best flowers thrive out there in the wild and so do I. I can only be myself and only myself.
To be honest, I love myself. I'm such an interesting person - it's a stretch for someone to say that they're unique, but I am. I think differently and I would rather to things in a less conventional way. I'm progressive and intellectual - I care for others dearly even though I don't show it. I appear unemotional, but deep down emotions spiral and spiral deep inside of me and sometimes they can surface.
And yes, I have many flaws - i really need to admit that to myself, it's something that I've always known and embraced but recently it's like I'm thinking I should be perfection by now, but honeyyyyy, I never will be. And I'm happy that I won't, because I don't have to be to make it in life.
I will make it in life, I can promise you that - and by you I mean MYSELF.

Thank you for my amazing ability to dance
Thank you for the intelligence and ingeniousness I posses
Thank you for my spontaneity
Thank you for my deepness and intensity
Thank you for my attractive charm I can possess, even though it may not be displayed on first sight
Thank you for the talents I have been naturally gifted with
Thank you for my naturally large energy that can consume an entire stage
Thank you for my disorganisation
Thank you for my vulnerability
Thank you for my charming wit that always shines on a good day
Thank you for my empathy, my ability to hone myself down
Thank you for my nerves, which I will never stop fully embracing be that on stage or before an exam
Thank you for my large emotional connections, if I love something I have to truly love it and know everything about it
Thank you for the appearance I was born with, regardless if it's 'desirable' or not
Thank you for my spirituality that I do deeply hold
Thank you for my amazing memory that can look back on old situations and i always allow myself to learn from them
Thank you for my ability to get back on track even though it may look to others like I'm falling apart - but baby I will always get back on my feet, and fight fight fight. I'm here in this world to change it, not leave no effect. I want to be recognised for doing what I love, hey, I want to be a superstar.
I believe in myself, and even if others believe in me or not, they don't need to. I just need to grab a hold of myself and naturally take my way up from there.
I love you, Ross.