Notes

Being mentally ill and suicidal at a young age is weird. It's like standing at the door of Death and knocking on it. Maybe even banging on it. The moment he comes to answer, you run. It's not because I was afraid of dying, it was because I was afraid to disappoint. I wasn't afraid I would be missing out on the rest of my life because "there's so much to live for, you're just a kid!" I was afraid that because I was a kid, the wrong people would have been blamed. Where were the parents? Where was the support? I grew up with the idea that one day I'll snap and be brave enough to kill myself without giving anyone else a thought. If I just stopped, if I just didn't think about anyone else, I could do it. I didn't really plan for a future. Everyone asked me, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" and I always gave the same answer. Not because I was sure, but because I was unsure I would even grow up. I promised myself that I wouldn't live to see the junior high. And when I got there, the scars I had were a milestone marking a new era. Then I promised myself I wouldn't live to see the high school. I got there. Then I promised myself I wouldn't graduate, I would never be an adult. And here I am, four months away from graduating and five months away from turning 18 and being an adult but I never thought I would get this far. Sure it's great, I'm alive and happier than I was before but I feel alone and I feel lost in a world I didn't plan to be a part of. I'm living day by day knowing that I didn't want to be here, I didn't plan to be here, I didn't mean to make new friends and relationships or break them either. I planned to be left in the past and forgotten about where people would only remember me for the things I did in middle school like wearing raccoon tails and biting people's arms. Now, I'm trying to pick up the pieces. I found new reasons to hold on and I'm trying to catch up to people that have plans. I know it looks like I have a plan to be alive, I always sounded like I planned out my whole life but the truth is I'm terrified. There's so many things I don't know how to do as an adult, I don't know how to function because I never bothered to learn. I never thought I would get this far. I never thought I would need to know how to do all the things my parents do because I'm not dead yet. But even today, sometimes I still wish I was.