Notes

2014.
its literly hours untill the new year begins and i am sitting in my room in the exact same place that i was a year ago. alot has happened but still, nothing has changed. I know alot more then what i knew last year but i am still making the same mistakes. They ask me what my resolution for the new year is and if i really had to pick one it would be to not care so much. because just as last year i got my heart broken again, the only difference is that it was broken by someone new. i have a tendency to keep trying, especially when it comes to feelings and love. i refuse to accept that what this person once gave me before is no longer there. i constantly try to get back to that comfort zone because that is where i am happy and being out of that zone is hard to accept so i just keep trying. and here i am a yeat later digging for that comfort. i texted him. i texted him knowing that nothing would come out of it, and yet i still texted him. i hope for a surprise a good surprise as he used to give me before. he was so different he gave me so much and now there is so little emotion each and every time i try to speak to him. he was a big part of 2013 and although others came into my life he still dominates my thoughts. i want to enter 2014 with nothing from him not a single drop of hope i want to lose it all i dont want what if thoughts to fill my head i want to drain my mind from everything that reminds me of him. i want to move on. i no longer want to be a slave to his response i want to be free. i want to have the power and control. i no longer wish to base my happiness on the response of others. if i want to have a good day it will be because of me and what i feel. not what others bring me or make me feel. i want to break free of the chains the chains of emotions i want to be a tough person i want to be independent and i want to be confident i dont want anyone to stand in my way. i want to strive for happiness and success and reach my goals, i no longer want to be that loser. because rught now that is what i am. a loser i feel it and it shows in my personality. i feel so much bitternesss towards the world. i have put myself in the place that i am but i will vow a change. i must change. i not longer want to feel hopeless and useless and i believe once i have carried myself out of this deep dark hole i have dug myself into. i will no longer need nor want him he will be a figment of the past. and oh how i crave that satisfaction the satisfaction of knowing that really dont care. knowing that i feel nothing. i want to feel nothing towards him. i want to be a shell that is so large and dimensional from the outside but empty from the inside i want to be the shell that he wants so much and when he finally looks inside the shell he will find emptyness and he will know how it feels to get absolutly nothing but to expect so much to have your eyes full and suddenly drained from any sparkle once they see reality. i dont want to hurt him but i want him to feel it. i want him to see it. because i saw it all and felt it all. i am deppressed. i wi; start this new year at my all time low but i wish to end at a better place i want to build myself up