Notes

I can't ever maintain a conversation with you because my thoughts go everywhere. So maybe this will help you understand where I'm coming from and how I think. Talk to me when you're done if you want, but this is what I have to say.
I'm apparently a burden to you because all I do is "take." But I don't know what you want me to "give" to you. I try to communicate but you don't want to listen to me.
We've been over this before. You are not interested in what I have to say. And the only time you are ever even slightly interested in what I do, it has something to do with college. And even that doesn't get your attention. I don't know what else you expect me to do. I try so hard to be the best person I can be. I'm just not good enough. I will never be good enough for you. I have never been good enough for you.
The fact that you didn't hear first about UF is not my fault. You can't blame me because someone else alerted me to the fact that UF announced admissions. It also seemed like you forgot about the whole event Friday. You never asked. You never do. Because you don't care. And you certainly don't listen. I tried so hard to talk to you, and I give up everytime because I can never say the right thing. So, yeah, I've stopped talking to you. Because you've stopped listening. And I'm not going to just talk to myself.
Also, don't get jealous or upset because I spend time with other people. I spend time with other people because I don't always like to be alone and you never seem to want to be around me. I try to be around you and you shuffle away. Or you are always at work. You can't always blame me because we don't spend time together. You are 70% of the problem. When I do "spend time" with you, it's unbearable because you get upset at everything I say and do. Because I can't say or do anything right.
I can't always be controlled by you. You control me by using my emotions and you know that. You ignore me and avoid me when you're upset because you don't want to just talk to me about it.
You also try to make it so I can't live without you in two ways:
1. You make it so I need to depend on you. For my car. For my finances. For my college. I don't always need you for these thing but I still need you guidance. You can't have me on a leash forever, but I'm not saying to let me roam free. I still need you to guide me until I'm ready to go on my own. And I'm not ready to go on my own yet. But you only give me two options, completely depend on you or survive on my own. Neither of which I want to do. I am grown enough to where I don't need to lean on you for everything I do, but I still want and need you there to help me through these things. You didn't get to raise me from birth. You missed my first steps. My first words. Yeah, you may have lost 8 years at the beginning of my life, but there are still "firsts" that I need you here for. Like my first car. My first graduation. My first dentist appointment. My first boyfriend. I want you here for that but you just push me away. You keep pushing me away and shutting me out and if you keep doing it, you're going to end up missing the most important moments of my life. And I can't make you change. But you need to realize what you're doing. You're not helping me. You're letting me go. You say you're upset because I'm leaving for college next semester and that you're going to be alone. But yet, you push me away now and I feel alone. And I'm still here. I am still here. And I feel alone because you make me feel alone. Because you never want to be around me. Because you don't want to talk to me. Because I barely even see you anymore. I don't know what you expect me to do to make you feel less alone when I have never felt lonelier.
2. Despite the fact that I'm so alone, you won't let me live. I can't experience life because you limit it so much. You don't let me make my own mistakes. I am sooo smart in school but I have no experience living my life. I don't do anything. I spend majority of my time either at school or at home. And when I do leave it is dreadful for because I don't spend enough time with you. But you're never there for me, physically or emotionally. You're always as work, or you're too tired to deal with my bullshit. Maybe one day you should take the time to look at my personality type, because you'll learn a whole lot more about me from there than you want to from me. I don't like planning for things. I like spontaneity. It's not that plans aren't nice, but you can't expect what's going to happen in the future. You can predict other people's wants or needs. I choose to be spontaneous and enthusiastic and positive and inquisitive and hard-working and caring and smart and giving and that's not gonna change. That's who I am. You're different and I know that. I'm not trying to change you. I understand that you prefer things different than I and you think different than I do. But I need you, I NEED you to understand that I can't change who I am. And I'm not always going to be who you want me to be, but I can't change WHO I AM. You can try as hard as you want, but I am not going to be the perfect daughter. Or the perfect student. Or the perfect person. I can't be. I don't have time to be perfect. I need to live my life and my life is passing by me without me in the driver's seat. I'm in the trunk and I don't even know what's going on. I can't keep living like this. But I don't want to leave. That's not what I mean. I still want you to be my dad and I want you to be a part of my life but I can't have you driving my life anymore. I need to be able to live. I need to drive my own life, but I want you with me in the passenger seat. I don't want to drop you off. I will never let you out of my life. There's gonna come a day when you can't sit in the passenger seat, but you're more than welcome to sit in the back if you want. You can watch me survive, thrive, and live my life without trying to make my life go the way you make it. I don't want you to let go. I will never want you to leave me, but I need some wiggle room to make my own mistakes and learn from them and be able to live. I hope you can understand.