Notes

Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. The pet monkey starts running about curiously eating everything he gets his hands on. He grabs a cherry and eats is, he grabs a lemon wedge and eats it, then he grabs a handful of peanuts and eats them. The bartender says, "sir, you need to control your monkey or you two are outta here." The man says, "sorry, I'll pay for all that stuff, just put it on my tab." Next thing ya know the monkey runs down to the pool table and grabs a piece of chalk and eats it and then grabs a cue ball and swallows it whole. The bartender shouts at the man with the monkey and says, "that's it, y'all are outta here!!" The man apologizes and pays for the damages done by his monkey and they leave. A few weeks go by and the man with his pet monkey come back into the bar. They both sit down and the bartender tells the man that he'd better keep his monkey under control. The monkey goes apeshit again and grabs another cherry, he then sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The monkey grabs a lemon wedge, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender enraged says, "what in the hell is he doing this time??" The man replies, "ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he's been taking measurements."

So a man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something amazing you've never seen before?"
The bartender says, "sure, but it'd better be good."
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets the hamster down on the bar, and the hamster runs along the bar, jumps off the end, turns a somersault in midair and lands on the piano. He the proceeds to play the piano beautifully. The bartender says, "Wow! That was incredible! Have a beer."
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, "hey, if I show you something else amazing that you've never seen before, will you give me another free beer?"
"If it's as amazing as the hamster, sure," the bartender replies.
So the man reaches back into his coat pocket, and pulls out a frog. He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully. The bartender is again amazed, and gets the man another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, another man rushes over and says "Holy shit, a singing frog! I'll give you $200 for that frog."
The first man says "Deal!" and sells him the frog. The bartender walks over and says, "not that it's my business, but that was a singing frog, for heaven's sake. Why would you sell it for only $200? You could have made millions off of it."
The man says, "nah, don't worry. The hamster's also a ventriloquist."

A man walks into a bar and says: "I'm gonna shoot the mothercunter that fucked my wife". The bar went dead silent. Then, a voice in bottom said: "You don't have enough bullets mate"

This humour is so black you could use it to farm cotton.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down at the piano and starts playing beautiful music. The bar owner hears him from his office and goes out to greet him.
The Bar owner says" Sir, that is the best piano playing ive heard in my life. I want you to come back and play later on tonight."
The man says "Thanks i wrote it myself. This song is called 'Sucking those big titties'." He then switches tunes and says "This one is called 'Fucking you all night long'."
Shocked, the bar owner replies " You can only play if you dont say the names of the songs."
Dejected, the man replies "Ok, but only if i get free beer."
The bar owner agrees, they shake hands and the man leaves to come back later that night. He returns during happy hour and starts to play. After each song, the bar crowd would cheer and he would get his free beer. After playing for a while and getting thoroughly drunk, the man stumbles off to the bathroom and to take a piss. He then returns to the piano to see that his crowd was silent.
A lone voice in the distance shouts out "Hey, do you know your dick is hanging out?"
The man turns towards the voice and says "Know it? I wrote it!"

An american, a brit and a mexican are on a plane.
The brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!". The mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!". The american proceeds to throw the mexican out of the plane.
"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the brit. The american turned around. "He killed my wife."