Notes

The world can fuck off

i had only gone to college because of family pressures
because i felt an obligation to
i felt that if i didnt i would be disowned and wouldnt be valuable. ever.
thinking back i dont know why i let myself fall to that
i dont know how it all happened
but i remember crying myself to sleep thinking i wanted it to stop
and thats when i realized
the world can fuck off

i woke up in the mornings i got dressed and i walked myself to class
i would miss breakfast, lunch would come, dinner would go and another day would pass
i was bored out of my mind, too hopeless to eat
its not that i couldnt, for some reason my hunger just stopped
i think my body just said
the world can fuck off

i chose hawaii because i thought a permanent vacation would balance out my atrocious life
i thought all the sun would blind me from my miserable reality
i thought if i ran away from my family then the pressure would all stop
but i was wrong and now im stuck thinking
the world can fuck off

maybe if i made friends it would prevent me from thinking about how shitty i am
im still a sociable person right? maybe i could find salvation in others
or maybe im mistaken and im not actually that bad. i need another opinion on this
i need someone who can understand, maybe im just in need of a lover
not a just a bad girl with a big personality
maybe i just needed a good honest girl who didnt just want me to fuck her
but i was still just confused and felt like
the world can fuck off

weeks go parties are attended acquaintances are made
my voice is starting to scratch and my lungs are starting to hurt
they cant handle covering up all my guilt and sorrows
i gave them some help and numbed it all with mary and alcohol
i knew my sanity was still sitting on time just borrowed
but i didnt care. as far as i was concerned
the world can fuck off

on no particular day at a random time it seemed that god finally realized that i had had enough
my motivation was less than nil and my satisfaction in life was even lower
the day i first experimented with my razor and felt the satisfaction of blood red salvation
was the day that the almighty sent someone but i could already feel his efforts wasted
i felt the world can fuck off

When i met her she had brown hair, and her attitude,
well they both tried to wave goodbye
but then she smiled, her cheeks dented, her nose crinkled and our eyes talked.
hers sparkled to say hi
my eyes knew she was cute but my mind didnt know she was pretty
i thought to myself whatever i just made another friend
the world can fuck off

it turned out she liked trees
i used to sell a few back home i smoked them too
our first meeting was our first sesh
it turns out that i like weed and it seemed that she did too
we were only a small part of a fair group
but when we seshed in that dorm room i felt like
the world can fuck off

i asked to cruise one night or maybe she asked me, we got confused on that
we went to the balcony where i talked and she listened
we stayed for sunrise and amused our relationship began
we shared a kiss that night
it made me feel good, i didnt care anymore
the world can fuck off

her smile was a disease and i caught it fast
but her smile was also my ecstasy and it made me forget my past
when her cheeks dimple and her nose crinkles it makes me sane again and i dont have to worry
she makes me feel like the world can fuck off

we wanted so much for each other
we wanted to take the world for ourselves and snuggle it into a little ball
and cuddle until it would and koala each other if it didnt and make love when it wouldnt
and promise each other it would but think to ourselves it couldnt and ignored the others when they told us it wont so we spoke of marriage and reassured each other that
the world can fuck off

i like to jump off cliffs and drive recklessly and play with knives and guns
ive been punched and kicked and bruised and cut and scarred and abused
ive experienced seemingly endless depression and suicidal thoughts
i almost let you slip away once and it hurt me and scared me more than any of those things
thats why i realized on november 30th that the world can truly fuck off. all i want is you