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and so i always ask if im annoying or not, but i know that by asking that all of the time, it makes me annoying
even if people say im not, i know theyre just trying not to hurt my feelings
i say things wrong, i make many mistakes, i am human but perhaps much too human for my body
i apologize for everything, i say sorry too much
sorry for rambling, sorry for bugging you, sorry for asking so many questions, sorry for the person i am, sorry for the person i have been and am becoming
i rarely go places for fun
i never like leaving my bed, i will stay in it all day if i can and i have before
no one can look at me there, im alone and so i am safe
im clingy
ill ask where you are or what youre doing or who youre with every single second of the day
ill ask how you are, if youre okay, ill ask how your day was before the day is over, and then again when it is
people say these things arent bad
that they dont define me
but they do, they certainly do.
if you take away these things im just a shell, i have no interesting traits, at some point i will just lose everyone i love
including the person i love the most, over all others
ill lose them and then i'll have nothing left and nothing to say or do or be
i'll truly be empty at that point
so i try and hold on as much as i can, do everything i can to keep them here, to keep them from leaving me alone
but then i make mistakes and mess up and end up making them feel bad
which is counterproductive
so i apologize again, and the cycle starts over
im not a good human being
im too human, i make too many mistakes
when i come online though, i can hide behind a screen
i can put on this happy persona
i can talk to people like everything is fine
despite the fact that im just alone in my room again
despite that inside im slowly just eating myself away
despite the fact that i have an addiction to tearing myself apart
despite all that i can make people believe i am okay and that i am happy and that im a positive person
that im a good person
but im not
and im sorry
again.
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