Notes

if this gets painful to read at any point, please disregard it entirely;;;

I guess um
I’ve been suffering from Major Depressive disorder for a long time (a year or so maybe??) and it’s been severe for a few months now
I have very frequent suicidal thoughts and I genuinely do wish I wasn’t born
I hate being alive and the two main things that stop me are the fear of going to hell (i have a lot of religious indecision and like i dont know what to believe and it is very painful to think about and i dont know what to do) and hurting the people i love
plus it’s not like suicide is super easy so

In general I have really awful coping mechanisms and um
I’m not going to go farther into that yeah
Just know that I at least am too tired and lack the motivation to do most of my bad coping mechanisms so that’s good

On top of depression, I have severe anxiety issues and am unsure if I have General Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Both, or just Anxiety issues

These make it extremely hard to interact with people and hold friendships and complete daily tasks
I can’t go outside of my house alone for more than a minute without being very anxious and yeah

Then there’s also ADHD, and if the depression didnt already make it hard to complete basic tasks, my adhd combines my lack of motivation with an inability to focus so
It makes life very difficult and tedious to experience
I feel like I can’t do anything ever and I always feel like everyone hates me or I’m doing something wrong
I feel like a lack of response means people hate me or that any criticism makes me a bad person or any compliments not directed towards me mean that I am not those thinfs and that I am inferior
sorry

Physically, I am also a mess. Currently, I’m prescribed an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) for both my adhd and anxiety. I also have to take thyroid medication to supplement the functions of the thyroid i don’t have
After school, I also take yet another medication to boost my focus
The only problem is that the anxiety/adhd medication makes me dizzy, nauseous, and lightheaded whenever I take it. I’ve woken up twice due to how nauseous and in pain I was in the past month. I now gag whenever I have to swallow my medication. This isn’t on purpose; my body has just started rejecting it on its own

I am also quite underweight and weak physically. My immune system is barely there and I’ve missed 4 days in one month this year.
My anxiety makes me nauseous, gives me chest pains, makes me shake uncontrollably, and in more extreme cases, i get hot flashes and can’t breathe properly

I think what hurts the most is that I can’t properly pretend to be positive anymore
I used to be so good that I would feel happy from the placebo of acting happy and positive
Nowadays I slip up all the time and get upset and vent and it’s just
I wanna be a good person
I don’t want to be a bad person
I just feel kinda worthless being so negative
I feel like a jerk and unapproachable and scary and not cute or kind or intelligent or pure or good or fair or mature or whatever other positive adjective i wanna be or various other people see me as

Slipping up is bad because of how people react
I don’t want to make an entire community of people feel bad or fight or feel obligated to try and help me
especially when i probably won’t improve very quickly
I’m scared of how my friends might react or that they might panic
I feel like I can’t vent

and yeah i am getting help
i have a therapist and a psychiatrist
but that doesn’t instantly make me feel better
therapy is difficult and uncomfortable and a very long process and i still have to entirely warm up to my therapist
and my medication has to be worked on often as it isnt a cure-all kind of thing
it just makes my life possible to live and helps me live like a normal human being because of how debilitating depression is
it makes me sad for no reason, it makes me unable to get out of bed, unable to do what i want to do, unable to enjoy things, etc
and it doesnt help that a lot of people dont understand what clinical depression is and that there is so much self harm and so many suicidal intentions broadcasted all the time um

sorry

and um I Guess that’s just my daily life or something
have a nice day!!!!
if you need help, please talk to someone
you are valuable and important