Notes

Every word and every breath I feel you pushing away. I know Im wrong but like you now I don't care... My needs are different and the same but you refuse to care until i tell you. Sometimes all I want is for you to hold me and understand me. When you first held me you were nothing like this... Your touch was full and magical... My hair stood on end and electricity poured through me... I don't know when the line blurred so bad.
When your infront of me talking to me... I miss you. I miss the loving look i used to get. Now full of judgement and resentment your look freezes my heart painfully. I seek things to drown out the noise I hear in your silence... My back hurts constantly, my brain is full of noise that keeps me awake, My home life gets worse by the day... So when you give me that cold look when the only thing I need anymore is your love and compassion... It's enough to make me wish for the worst. When will the mercy of death come. I am an addict. I am addicted. I have been addicted, and I have an addictive personality. When the blurr of addiction left me I was a year sober and I could not shake the depression that put me there to begin with. I pulled through for 2 more years and finally smoked a cigar and a cigarette. Worst decision of my life. I used to think Marijuana was bad as well... Killed your brain cells and all that old school "knowledge". Now i smoke ganja, your judge me still. Im an addict. I am hurt and insulted that you would call me that. you should be the last person to ever do that. My heart sinks. No one accepts me for me... Not even you. My dad is an asshole, my mom means right but...

Papa is a grouch whos words hit me like bricks. and meme has always sat on the sideline. While I claw to keep a hold onto the life that knocks me down at every turn you have gone from being my morning sun to the cold Blizzard in the darkness of my mind and heart.
Ever ignorant comment, heartless insult, and mood swing, I wonder how much more my heart can take. Im losing myself to you. Im losing everything to you.

Your not always like this... But when you get moody you stay moody. Even now Im pretty sure i won't see you tomorrow. Cause I wanted to have an input on a relationship i thought i was in aswell. You would rather tell me goodnight than listen to me cry out to you and plead for compassion and care...

Im sorry for being this person. Im sorry for everything... I know you hate me and i don't blame you.