Notes

Joy.. Here i explain everything.. I have to explain everything. I even planned to kill me, but at the last 30 Minutes yesterday i noticed i have to say you something, to last..

Yes it is true.. I love you..

Do you remember our old good Times?.. There i have begin to have Feelings for you..

At the same Time i had many Achievements and was able to get more Influence in the Community, through a Clan, through my Moderator Title in the official german KoGaMa Discord Server, through long Activity, through detailed Models, Maps, and a little Popularity (especially in the german Community). I was able to reach many Things, and mental i was there too good enough to fight for that.. But you're for me much more important than some Achievements and Influence.. I was waiting the entire Day for you, and Things where i could be longer busy, i did them on the Mornings, that i can have full Time at Afternoon with you, and if i was playing with other Friends and at the same Time chatting with you, i rather have let the Game, instead of leaving you, because you're for me more important than all others. I was even there ready to sacrifice my Life and Honor for you. And i remember one Time where i almost cried, and where i was most of the Day sad, because i was afraid to lose you, and every Night i had a bad Feeling because i was afraid to die in the Night.. And i buildt more Projects for you.. Even that Palace, what i planned in 2016 Winter and 2017 Beginning, i buildt a Part in the Style of the Palace for you.. In the Time i loved you more and more, but i didn't recognized that i love you, but i love you. Even in the first three Weeks you was for me more important than all what i buildt, but there i was still not ready to destroy my Projects to punish me.. At the December i loved you more, and i remember how i onetime cried, because i'm happy because i know you. I was even ready to betray my Family for you.. And sometimes you impressed me with your Kindness, and i remember, how i got happy, if i was only thinking about you.. I had many great Plans for you.. At the late December, while i was working more on my Clan, and where i expected a golden Age of my Clan at the January, i planned to invite you in the Clan in a big Ceremony, and giving you the Leader Title that you can rule with me about the most modern and advanced Clan of KoGaMa (and my Room at the HQ i didn't finished, because i waited for the Moment where i can invite you, that i can share with you my Room (it's the once Room with Balcony, and have a detailed Ground in dark Wooden.), and i got Plans to travel to you at the 3.3.2019, and was almost obsessed by that.. I even planned which Gift i could give you, how i would wear me, and i searched Hotels that i can sleep at the Night (and the Way i would have plan exactly too, if the January would have no Problems).. And at the Times where i have tell you many Things about my Clan, i even told Things, what are even secret for normal Clan Members. And i even told you my Homecity, and even my Adress.. And even my Surname i told you, although i feel bad if i tell someone my Surname, since my worst Enemies know it too (one of them i have Peace, and the other left KoGaMa since 2016 Summer). I have tell you many Things, because i trust you so much, and because i know, you would never betray me.. And in these Times where i disappointed you, i even thought about leaving my Clan as a Punishment.. You changed my Life.. Because of you my Life finally found a Sense, and i was even in the first three Weeks of the November 2017 ready to follow you whereever you go.. I was in Crush in you, but i didn't said it and suppressed that Thought in my Mind.. The Time of our Friendship was for me by far the best Times of my Life..

At the last Days of 2017, i expected, that 2018 will be a better Year, because the full Year i could be here with you.. I didn't expected any Problems in 2018 (except the Working) and i was looking forward for this Moment where we could meet us in Real.. I wanted to protect you and to help you until my Death.. And i got very angry if someone was hurting you, thats why i declared at 2018 indirect the State of Emergency in my Clan, with releasing the Highest Judge Title and updating the Safety there (The State of Emergency is still in the Clan and no one notice it).. I remember at the second Week of the January where i was so sad and broken, after you said to me that you can come not so often because of School, that i even hurted me at the Night and gave everything up and was so demotivated and more agressive and hateful (but don't worry i have understood you there. I was just angry and hateful to they who hurted you, and through i was mentally damaged, i was even more hateful to my Family, but i don't know, if they noticed it.. And at the third January Week at the Monday Night i was really so angry to them who hurted you, that i was for a Moment a bit trembling, and that my Hearth or Lung hurted, and that for a Moment even my Brain felt colder, because i was not able to protect you.. And at the next Day where you first Time was pretenting to be someone else, and where you said that you die in the Hospital, i got really shocked, that i trembled, and at my Hands even so much that it was feeling like electric and that writing was harder.. I wanted to kill me, because i thought you die, and i have two Times decided to delete my entire Friendlist, but i hesitated, and i even gave my Clan to Abaddon and gave everything up.. I remember, how others was worried about me.. And i was even almost in Argument with someone who i said that i don't want write with her, because at this Moment i don't wanted write to others. And at the next Weeks i was really obsessed to help you.. Even so far, that i planned to leave my Family and other Friends to go to you to rescue you from your 'Friend'.. And i shouted at your 'Friend', because it's normal if i get angry if someone hurts you but if i'm normal angry i'm not shouting but i'm shouting at them who hurt you, but i noticed you don't want that i shout, so i will stop with shouting.. And at the next Months i felt me so ashamed and bad and wanted sometimes to hurt or kill me, because i hurted you and didn't understood you, while i had to do it.. I disappointed you too often, and my Fear to lose you made me so insane, that i often thought wrong Things.. And after that what you said to Happatsch at my Birthday (but i can understand it because it was my Fault), my Birthday got much more destroyed than it already was, and i was in a really bad State. And at one Day after that where you thought that i replaced you, i even deleted then my entire Friendlist at Lord Satan and Kurashiro to prove you, that i would never replace you, and that you're for me more important than them.. At the Time where i did that, i talked with two Friends and told them that i delete the List, but i didn't told them, that i delete them to prove you that you're for me more important than them. I wanted to give you at your Birthday something big (two Projects, and i planned to make something else too to your Birthday), and to send you a long Text, but then 1 Day before i moved into new Flat, you blocked me, and it was so worse for me.. I tried to contact you from a second Account but thought you would not notice it, so i deinstalled Instagram, but then at a other Week i installed it again, and it really shocked me after i read your Messages what you sent to my Main Account. I was often afraid if i opened Instagram, and my Heart was going faster, because i was really afraid and often scared.. I was afraid to disappoint you.. And then at one Day in the Eastern Vacations you blocked me again.. And then i planned at the next Day a Plan to prove you that i'm sorry for my Mistake. I created two Compositions for you.. I learned at a virtual Piano but it was not easy. At first i was really bad, but later i got a bit better, until i created three Compositions for you (the first is called Whitelight, but i was not able to download it, because i need to verify with my Phone. And then at a Day i installed again Instagram and was shocked and so angry to me, that i hurted my Back, because i wasn't here while i had to be here for you.. And then the Saturday it got really strange at Night. It really confused me at the Midnight, and this so hard.. And at the Sunday Night where you thought that i'm lying, i wanted to hurt me at the Night because of that, and i hurted me with scratching me, and i considered it as right for me to die.. And at the Monday you blocked me again at Instagram, then i wroted from my second Account two Messages, but then the Instagram forced me to activate my Phone Number and i got really so angry. I searched then my Phone but i didn't found it, although i searched in every Place where it could be. I planned then to kill me at the Morning, but hesitated because i wanted to say you this Text.. I even planned to use illegal Methods that i can use Instagram to reach you.. But even illegal Methods got useless.. And at the Sunday i even refused you.. It was not okay to refuse you..

Joy.. I reached so much for you.. I worked on my Clan to impress you.. I had so many great Things, but all that i sacrificed.. My Projects, and my Power, for what i fought almost two Years, is destroyed.. My Reputation is ruined.. Because i wanted to punish me because i regret my Mistakes to you.. I tried to rebuild that all.. At the End i had even a new Village Game, where i just need few Things to finish it.. I was almost again Leader of the Clan.. I had Plans.. But this all i planned only because of you.. I wanted to impress you.. And about the Clan: I wanted to give you at the End the Leadership about the Clan and installing a Security System for you.. And i planned to ban Panda from the Clan after i consolidated my Power about the Clan, because of Pandas bad Words, i planned to ban her from the Clan forever. I was ready to give you everything.. My other Friends may believe, that i just want to get back my Clan, because of making the Clan greater and because of uniting it again, but my Clan i want to get back, because i love you.. All the Plans of reconstructing that what i had previously, is only because i love you.. I love you from all my Heart.. Joy... I like everything on you.. I like your beautiful Name, your wonderful Beauty, and especially i like your very amazing and perfect Personality.. I love you really so much.. You're the once Person who i want.. You're the once who i really care about.. You're the once for who i could sacrifice my Life.. I risked so much for you.. All this.. Only because i love you.. Since the two last Months of the last Year, my biggest Goal was to life forever with you.. I was proud to know you.. And it was a big Honor for me to talk to you.. I love you really so much like i said.. I love you, because you're so very sweet and kind.. You're so nice.. Thats why i love you.. And because i'm thankful for everything what you did for me.. I would never replace you.. I fought so long for you.. Because i love you.. Because i love you from all my Heart.. My once Dream is to be Friend with you.. All what i planned in the last Times, are just small Parts of my biggest Plan and my biggest Plan is to be Friend with you.. All what i want is to be Friend with you.. For this Goal i'm ready to go about Corpses.. Even about my Corpse.. I'm ready to sacrifice everything, only to prove you, that i love you from all my Heart for all Times, and that i never lied to you.. Btw i noticed, that i'm even not able to reach my old Glory, since i lost through my Punishments my most Influence, and my Reputation, and everything where i was good in.. But this isn't even that, what i want.. The once what i want is, to be Friend with you.. And if this is impossible, then at least to prove you that i love you and that i was all the Time honest to you.. I decided to fight for you until the End.. I sweared it in my Inner.. I really care about you.. And if you don't believe me, i need to prove it.. At any Costs.. Without Consideration to everything else.. Because i only have Consideration to you.. I even don't recoil to sacrifice my Life only for you, and i only didn't killed me today, because i needed to send you this Text.. But i have already saw, where the Knife are, and i already know, how to do it.. I even choosed the Room for it.. If i need to kill me to prove it, that i love you, and that i was all Time honest to you, then i do it.. Maybe then you will know, that you're for me the most important, and that i really care about you..

And if you still don't believe me.. Then i kill me.. Maybe then you will know, that i was all the Time honest to you.. Maybe then..

You mean everything for me.. So i'm to everything ready, to prove you, that i really love you.. Even if i have to sacrifice me.. I don't have Consideration about my Life and the Life of others, but to you i have Consideration.. You're the once important in my Life.. And i'm ready to sacrifice all my other Friends instantly for you, to prove you, that i love you..

Btw if you want to talk to me, i can't use Instagram so long i don't find my Phone, and idk if i could use Instagram in the next Times, and i made a Facebook Account although i'm not allowed, and searched for you but i can't find you (My Facebook Name is 'Kurashiro Masayoshi' and my Profile Pic is the Eagle Logo of Dakusuchiru Gundan).. So i only can talk at KoGaMa and you can send Request to me if you want to talk to me, not to Kurashiro, because i forgot the Password of my Kurashiro Account but at Lord Satan i can be active.. And today is the last Chance.. Because tomorrow Morning, while my Mom is shopping, i'm gone, because there is a good Time..

Joy.. If i can't prove you that i love you, while staying alive, then i have to prove it you with killing me, that i was all the Time honest to you.. Maybe then you will know, that i really love you.. Maybe then you will know, that i mean really everything, what i said to you, serious..

And i wish you a good successful Life.. Take care and be happy.. I hope, you will remember me and don't forget me.. But especially i hope you will be safe.. No one should hurt you.. Please promise me, that you take care, because i don't want that you get hurt.. To know you is the best, what is happened in my Life.. And.. For the Case: You aren't the Reason why i will propably die.. The Reason, why i propably die is, because it is useless to prove you, that i love you, with Words.. It's my Failure. It's my Fault.. And i disappointed you so often and i'm sad because you don't forgive me, but i can understand it.. Promise me, that you will not blame yourself in the Future, because you're not fault.. It's because i disappointed you.. I regret it so hard.. If you want to talk to me, then is today the last Opportunity, and i can only talk at KoGaMa.. On Lord Satan i will wait for you.. Until 21:00..
I love you.. I need to prove it..
I'm sorry, in the Case, if Death is a bad Option, and it is a bad Option, because Friends and Family will miss me, but it's now my once Way.. I lost you.. And i can't prove you with Words and Deeds, that i love you.. So i need to prove it with killing me.. This is really the once Way..
And i'm sorry for everything bad what i did to you.. I'm really so sorry, that i would even kneel in your Front and this even so deep that my Head touch the Ground and begging for Mercy.. Joy.. I miss you so really much.. But i know, our Friendship can't be fixed, if you don't believe me that i love and miss you.. And it is my Fault.. Joy.. My highest Goal is now to prove you that i really love you, and that i miss you and that i never lied to you.. I can't reach it with working on a Clan.. I can't reach it with Projects or other Gifts.. I can't reach it if i explain it you.. All my Ways are cut off.. Except one Way.. I kill me, to prove you, that i really love you.. This is the last Way how to prove it.. I don't want kill me to escape from this cruel World.. I only do it to prove you, that i really love you.. I know, this Plan is radical and ruthless, and bad too, because you can't talk to me then, but.. All my Tries was useless..
My once Goal is to be Friend with you.. And the Reason, why i want to be Friend with you, is, because i love you so much from all my Heart.. I want to help you and i want to be on your Side until the End of my Life.. All what i want is to be Friend with you.. Really.. My entire Intention is to be good for you..
If you would even forgive me, i will use every Opportunity to help, and i will stop me from making Mistakes.. But you even said, that it is too late.. If Words and Deeds are useless, then i need to end me, to prove it.. I know it may end my Life.. But at least i will reach at least, that i can prove you, that i love you.. I need to prove you it.. I sweared in my inner to fight for you until the End.. And now it is the End.. I'm sorry, but to kill me, is my last Way.. I want, that you know at least, that i was really honest to you, that i care about you, and that i love you really so much from all my Heart..
It's your Decision, if you send me a Request to Lord Satan (at Facebook i tried to find you, i searched often, but i didn't found you, i can't use Instagram, because i can't find my Phone and they force me to put a Number, and i searched my Phone yesterday and today, and i didn't found, and i tried with illegal Methods (Fake-Numbers) to create or login into a Instagram Account. And Airtime i can't use too, (i did here too tried with Fake Number) because the Number isn't valid.. So i can only talk to you at KoGaMa and i'm waiting at my Lord Satan Account for you).. But if you don't want, then it's np too, but it would hurt me, but i can understand it.. I admit, that i failed with my Plans, before they got even finished.. So i have to do a Emergency Way.. Sorry..