Notes

I guess I’ll start from the beginning.
1. I was genuinely surprised when you asked me. I don’t know if you remember but I asked you why me?! And the reasons that you gave me, the things that you saw in me. I didn’t see in myself. I couldn’t believe you saw all of that. Initially I guess I always thought so highly of you. We were sooo close and I would have trusted you with anything. I had a view of you. I can’t really explain I.T to you but I just didn’t know how I could be the girl I wanted for you. I guess to an extent there was always this pressure of to be this girl for you. And it's not one that you imposed on me, it's one that I imposed on myself.

2. I didn’t say yes to being with you just for the sake of saying yes. You are caring, thoughtful, wise, loving, you put up this goofy front but you’ve been through so much in life and believe it or not I think you’re better for I.T. I don't know how many people see or have seen that side of you Muse but your heart! I think a lot of what you went trough stops you from being all that you can be. I may not have the courage or the chance to say this again so i'll tell you know, your past doesn't have to have control of you Muse. You can have a family that doesn't look like the one you grew up in. You can be the man that your dad wasn't. I'm sorry if i'm over stepping but I needed you to know I believe so much in who you are and even more in who you can be. You love God! You love people! You’re not perfect but you were everything I wanted in someone I wanna build a life with. When I thought of you, I literally saw how our home could be. I believed in all of this. I didn’t feel sorry for you or wanted to play around. I knew what I was getting into. And I made a conscious decision to start a relationship with you because I cared.

3. I had all the exciting parts drawn in my head and I couldn’t wait till we got to them. I loved that we put God before everything and I got excited at the thought of serving together. I loved the idea that there will be times where i'd visit you and you'd visit me. I hated the distance but I liked that we would be entering each others lives and meeting people that meant so much to us. I loved the fact that I could talk to you all night and sing with you all day and I could trust you because you were my friend before we were anything. I knew that you'd be there and I got to see a part of you that's been hurt and I couldn't wait to help you and support you. But I guess I wasn’t ready or really even focused on what It meant to actually be with someone for real. Someone I truly cared about. I’ve done such a good job of covering up my emotions and my thoughts and have gotten by life pretty ok. I never expected that I’d have to someday be completely vulnerable in front of someone. And put myself out there. And I didn’t realize how bad of a trait it was to hide myself until last weekend in Chicago. I realized this isn’t something I can keep saying is “just how I am” and be ok in life. If not between us it will stand between everything in life and me. In that car I knew everything I wanted to say to you in my head but I seriously couldn’t speak a word. I felt so crippled. I didn’t know how to be vulnerable. But I wanna change that, and whatever happens this will be a good step towards being more open for me.

4. I know that this wasn’t the only reason but I think it’s the one that brought on everything that eventually ended or relationship. I would change a lot of things about how I handled our relationship but not coming to Toronto at that moment is not one of them. The number 1 reason, and I thought we discussed this; was genuinely because I cared about you and I believe in everything that I know you are and will become. I know people’s perspective of you. MY perspective of you. This may sound foolish or traditionalist maybe even naive and maybe that’s why I wasn’t completely honest but I didn’t want anything to stand in the way of that perspective people have of you. And I guess not coming to Toronto wasn’t the best way but at that time I was convinced it was. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust you or wanted to see you. Muse I trusted you enough to be with you, to open up even as little as I did. I trusted you enough to imagine a life with you. There was no doubt in my mind that if I came I would be taken care of and cherished. I just thought I was looking out for you. And I know you’re not like this but I made the mistake of taking people’s advice at the time that don't know your heart or mine for that matter and I felt the need to be proud for some reason. And not just show up to your city because you wanted me to. For some reason I felt like you would lose some sort of respect for me if I did. I know it’s stupid but I made a mistake.

5. Muse I believe in you so much. I wish you could see you the way I see you. You’re the one person I never ever wanna lose. These couple of months not feeling like I could call you and just talk, not having you here believe it or not it killed me. So many times I just wished you were here. Just to sit with me. And even more than me loving you I know that that was me wanting our friendship too. I wish I could tell you that if this doesn’t work we could still be friends but that’s a lie. If I learned one thing from Chicago is that I can’t be your friend atleast not now. I can’t I just cant. What if you like a girl? What kind of friendship can we have when we have to hide parts of our lives from each other? I still care so much for you and maybe I've used the excuse that a lot has been happening in my life to not deal with this because i'm not ready for it to be over. I wish i could go back and do so much differently but I can't. And I could not be honest with you because I felt like you were done and I wasn't ready to deal with it. In the back of my mind i really thought we would find a way to make it work.

6. Anyways I hope that wasn't a lot but no matter what happens between us after this I needed you to make a decision knowing all of this. I care about you and i'm so sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry we didn't have the year we both wanted. I don't know what to say. I don't really expect you to say anything right now. I just needed you to know. I really do care. I don't want a gold start for doing what I should've done a long time ago but I hope me speaking out means something for you. I'm trying, at this point that's all I know to do.

-Bezzi. A.