Notes

A Rant: about my art life
It feels like my art life is slowly dying. That seems to be the right way to put it. There seems to be so many things wrong with it. I'm becoming depressed and so frustrated about it all. First and foremost, is my inability to draw. I mean I can draw, but it is, to a degree, limited. My 'main' art stuff is downstairs in the basement. It's too cold down there. And lonely. And a bit dark. And in general, it is not the best place, I think, to be drawing. I could draw using my watercolors (And I plan to extensively do so from now on) to draw upstairs, but if I want to work digitally, I have to go downstairs. And most of my love goes to digital art. Also, my pencils and the more important watercolor art tools are there too. Although the whole lonely and dark thing doesn't bother me too much, the cold does. It is impossible to stay down there for long periods of time without freezing my ass off. The jacket doesn't help too much. Heaters don't do shit in such a big area. I actually caught a cold/sore throat after drawing that jeanmarco valentines thing. I am, quite literally, worsening my health just so I can draw downstairs. That sounds absolutely ridiculous. And for what? This bring me to my second part. What do I draw for. I don't know. It should really be for personal enjoyment, but I want more. I need more. I need support. I need people to tell me that I'm doing alright with my art life. And you know what? I'm not getting it. The almost complete lack of support combined with the surplus of discouragement of doing art is taking a huge toll. No one seems to care that I do art. Not my parents, not my brother, not my friends, defineitely not people on the internet. Most people don't even know I draw. I barely get any feedback on my art on the internet. No comments. Nothing. My friend don't care. They have other interests. My parents and brother, again they don't give two shits. My parents, especially my dad, actually discuourage it. Even if they don't realize it. It was my dream job to become something like an artist. But that dream has long been crushed. That is another rant. The only person who actually cares is Zerlina. But she lives in another time zone, and she is busy with IB. Recently, I have this feeling that I'm being forgotten by her. She has her own friends that admire her for her art. She has supporters. She has made some real hard cash off of her art. She is popular. Art can very well be her career if she wanted. She is on a different level than me. I know that in terms of skill, I'm close to her level, maybe even on par. Maybe even better than her. But everything else about her art life seems to completely out do me.And sometimes, that really hurts. But I can't complain, I would just lose her completely. And I shouldn't be feeling this way about her. I should be happy for her. But I'm a fucking loser. I can't do anything. I am un-social piece of shit that can't interact with human beings. My mind is a mess. Sometimes I believe I should just admit myself to a hospital and get help. In the end, it is all really my own fault. I'm the source of my own problems.