Notes

I have a fear of abandonment. I am absolutely terrified that people will not love me and they will hate me. I am always projecting my feelings onto my family by screaming at them and getting very angry. I withdraw a lot and don`t socialize a lot with people outside my compound. I feel terrible about being alone but i am scared to ask my parents, especially my dad if i can go and scared he will say no and trap me in the house so i trap myself in the house just so i don`t have to deal with him yelling at me and saying no. I have tremendously low self esteem and feel really bad about myself when I don`t hang out with high status people. I am deeply insecure about myself and I get jealous of other people. Right now I am freaking out because my closest friend at school avoided me and I feel like she is going to leave me for other people. I feel like she is going to abandon me because I am flawed, clingy, or I annoy her. That is how I think of myself, flawed, clingy, and annoying. I feel like my closest friends are going to leave me. I feel like if she leaves me and I lose her as a friend, I will feel overwhelmingly bad, anxiety, low self esteem, and I will cry. I feel powerless to change my situation and I have suicidal thoughts. I really want to die because I am sick of the isolation, fear of abandonment, and feeling powerless. I am sick of feeling inadequate, and feel like because I am inadequate, my friends will leave me. I hate my life everyday. I want to die.