Notes

The idea is to provide an imaginative outlet for family members that lets them describe their own
family dynamics without it being too “real”. We want to use fantasy as a tool to let people express
their roles without judgement or fear.
The kingdom metaphor provides members of the family with all sorts of roles to identify with and it's
something that most people will intuitively understand.
It is especially useful for younger children who are much more likely to be part of an exercise such
as this. The reason for this is simply that in western culture even young children have been
exposed to ideas of good and bad through fairy tales. That’s after all why they exist, as a way to
transfer values to children. I have found that most of the time younger family members have no
problem telling us in this exercise whether they see their kings and queens as benevolent or
something less than good.
A kingdom and a family are also more similar than you may at first think. It’s unlikely that you’ll find
a family that operates on a principle of democracy. There’s usually one authority figure that has the
final say in something. This may not always be the same person, but not everyone has an equal
vote in this kingdom. That’s not to say there’s something wrong with that, parent’s who let their
young children vote on things that matter are likely to be misguided or just negligent after all. No, if
you are going to have a dictatorship (or a monarchy as the case may be) then it can be benevolent
or malevolent. It can be functional or dysfunctional. This exercise let’s me as a therapist build a
great picture of the real situation and gives me a starting point to begin addressing relationship
issues between different members of the family.
Of course, this insight is not only for my benefit as a therapist, it is also a great way for the family
members to see how they fit in and how everyone else experiences family life. I see a lot of
revelations where family members are genuinely surprised at how they are seen by other members
of their family.
This is also a great exercise since people who fill in the questions can also be encouraged to
illustrate them. I especially like to encourage kids to do this, since many of them may not be very
comfortable writing. A picture may very well be worth a 1000 words when it comes to the
expression of children. However, the invitation to express answers to the questions in more than
just words should not only be limited to younger clients.
In a face-to-face therapy setting it’s also very useful to hear clients explain their answers, so that
we can dig deeper into what they meant in answering the questionnaire,
The other part of the exercise where family members draw their own coat of arms is an interesting
exercise and a tool with many different uses. (I have included a downloadable template for you to
design your own coat of arms in the resources section of this lecture).
One way that I use this exercise to show how different members of the family see it. In that way it
is like an extension of the previous kingdom exercise, except that the answers are now completely
visual.
Having each person explain the images in their coat of arms and what they mean to them gives
everyone in the therapeutic process a deep impression of what each person experiences.
It’s useful to have family members do the coat of arms at different points in their therapy to see if
things change. Another way to apply this exercise, usually near the end of therapy, is to have
everyone collaborate on a single coat of arms. Not only does this provide an opportunity to do
something together, it will also show up any lingering issues or points of disagreement.
Things to Keep in Mind
In a diverse society it is very possible to encounter people for whom the allegory of the kingdom
may not make as much sense, so sometimes I have to tweak the metaphors a little bit to fit. The
kingdom may become another sort of rulership and the coat of arms may become a banner or a
tapestry. It all depends on the background of the people in question.