Notes

I don’t get it. Why? Just when I thought things are finally going my way. Was it something I said? Was it something I did? Was it something you heard? What was it? I’m so confused. I’m terrible at games. I thought you were the one for me. I thought you’re done weighing your options and finally made up your mind. I’d be lying if at some point I never weighed my options too, but as soon as I knew someone like you existed, there was never an option. I could give you names of people that tried to get to me, “friends" said I was better suited with x, or y has 2 million followers, so she’s definitely better but no. How could they know? They wouldn’t understand. I don’t want those people. Because on my darkest hour, when everything was a mess. I met you.

If you haven’t got the slightest idea of how I am as a person then let me tell you a story.
I don’t like to brag especially when it comes to these things but as a kid, I like to make vows that if my wish came true, I’d fast these many days. No one ever told me to do it, just read it in a book one day, gave it a try and it worked. Did you know I vowed to fast 6 months Monday and Thursday if somehow in these two weeks I get to meet you, somewhere, somehow. Just to meet you. Don’t know what else to do. And this wasn’t the first time. I did it every time I came back. I was desperate. 6 months. Just to meet you. The only time I vowed to fast more was when my mother got stroke, it was life or death, no one was around, only herself and my 8-year-old sister. I was long way from home when it happened. So I did it for a year if somehow my mother could be well again. But she wasn’t well at the time, but I have faith and started doing it regardless. I was desperate but I know where to turn. I also pray Tahajjud every night, I sometimes didn’t do it because I didn’t get to sleep. So I replaced it with Dhuha. Then when I came back and finally met my mother, she’s well. She could walk slowly, not like she used to. It was alright, but she couldn’t moved her left arm anymore. Most importantly, she could talk, the first two weeks she couldn’t. But she’s still her. Then on the last day of the year on my return I asked my father if I could take the day off from fasting, I don’t know why, I don’t have plans to go out but he ended up giving me a lecture not to do it. It’s okay because I was awarded. I got to see you. Even though it’s awkward. I think it’s cute. And so maybe that year wasn’t that bad after all. The cake was a mess, but somehow I got a cherry on the top.

Most of my close friends eventually knew I fasted, but no one knew the reason why. I never tell anyone. I didn’t even tell my parents that I was doing it, until a month in, I told my father to do it too. No one else know why. Not even my mother. I do it because I care. It’s not important if the person I was rooting for aware of it or not. And even after I finished it, I still do it, because certain things are so important, you can’t put a price tag on it. It’s a life contract. And these wishes sometimes they don't come true, but when they do, I feel like someone is actually been listening. And I just have to do more of it. And so every time I came back I vowed to fast 6 months, if I could get to see you, but at the end of the day, it does not matter if I get to see you or not, I’d still fast. And maybe the man up there is doing something else, for once maybe for me, and maybe I wasn’t aware of it. And there have been multiple times that I was actually aware, like when I got back from concerts past midnight, pretty dark and no one was around, but all the traffic light to cross the road from where I was to home somehow turned green and I didn't even get to wait a single second before it turns green. It happened more than once, couldn’t remember exactly how many times. It felt like someone was actually watching over me and was providing me a fast trip home. There were so many strange wonderful things that happened. And some led back to you. And after a series of these strange things, I thought maybe you are the one. It’s hard to explain, but maybe one day I will.

Why am I telling you this? Because when someone is important to me I would never do anything intentionally to hurt them. In fact, I would do everything I could. They might not know it or realise it, but I’m there, every step of the way. I don’t want to look back one day thinking I could’ve done more.

You know I almost didn’t tell anyone that I’m coming back for Easter break, but it’s not fair, maybe you want to see me more than I want to see you. And if the menu was never served, how can we make a decision to eat. I don’t know when will I come back again, not because I don’t want to but I just don’t have enough reason to be here. But you could be the only reason I need. If you give me a reason to come back, I will, as often as I could although I’m not going back this summer. Maybe one day I’ll take you with me. I’m leaving on the 20th. Just so you know love isn’t perfect, but if you want something close to perfect, it’s gonna take time and effort. Patience. But if you want now, name the place and the time and I’ll be there. It’s your choice. But if somehow I’m too late, then here’s an explanation to get a better sense of me as a person, and so if I ever did or said something that hurt your feeling, then I’m deeply sorry. Why cry when you can smile? Why be sad when you can be happy? Why hate when you can forgive?

Everyone got so much potential in them, they just often too afraid to speak out. I’m sure you’re gonna have a wonderful life, with or without me. You’re already building that magical kingdom you’ve been dreaming of, one brick at a time. Maybe you haven’t realised it but it’s starting to take its shapes. And even after all this, you are still the most wonderful thing I ever laid my eyes on, wouldn’t change a thing.

From you know who.