Notes

I apologize in advance for how unorthodox and cheesy this. It's just, I just wanted to clarify what my intentions with you were since I imagine they may have seemed

unclear or confusing.


I saw you for the first time back in August or September of last year.

You looked cold and mean. You had defensive body language and a dismissive tone of voice. And you barely made any eye contact. I used to actively avoid eye contact

myself so I know.

You finally made eye contact after 3rd or 4th time I saw you and I saw it right away-

It wasn't sadness, negativity, or just a bad mood. It was like you were in this fog where you can't feel anything about anything — even the things you love, even fun things

— and you're horribly bored and lonely, but since you've lost your ability to connect with any of the things that would normally make you feel less bored and lonely, you're

stuck in the boring, lonely, meaningless void without anything to distract you from how boring, lonely, and meaningless it is.

This is depression. (Maybe I'm exaggerating but that's what it's like for me)

I know what it looks like, I've had it my entire life. You had that "I'm mourning my own death" look. Suddenly you weren't just some cold, mean person. Rolling out of bed

and getting dressed is a struggle — you did that AND went to work. I immediately respected that you were seemingly pretty functional. And I went about my business.

I'd come in a few more times. We spoke some and — you actually seemed way cool. There was something about the way you spoke, something about the way you dealt

with people. You were pretty funny. I instantly wanted to be friends with you.

You were legit.

It wasn't until December that I saw you again, 3 months later. I had lost a quite a bit of body fat since I last saw you (over 60lbs) so you probably didn't even remember me

from before. Anyway, I was ready to make my move, I hadn't had a real friend in a long long time. Maybe it's different for you because you're in school and you also work

around people but, the way my routine and schedule works, I never get to meet new people. It's especially rare for me to find a person I find relatable with a decent sense

of humor. I'd be stupid not to at least try but wait—

Every friend I'd ever had in the past was either a friend of a friend first or someone's dealer, or a Cousin's friend or a classmate or something. I never once actually went out

and made a friend on my own before. My social skills weren't Top Gun quality to begin with + I had reclused for the last 3 years + social anxiety... This was obviously going

to be difficult

I didn't know what to say. I didn't understand the "process". I even watched YouTube videos about how to make friends and read Wikihow tutorials (I am lame)

My first instinct was to blurt out as much personal stuff as quickly as possible and speed this whole thing up. I literally wanted to walk up to you and say:

"Look, I don't know you but you seem genuine and pretty cool. I like you and I think we should be friends. But I should let you know, I have Bipolar ll, crazy severe Social

Anxiety, a mild mixed Personality Disorder, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but I'm pretty decent I think. I also used to rely on illicit drugs to get through social

interactions but I don't anymore. Also, I just came out of a 3 year long major depressive episode where I isolated myself from everyone so my social skills are rusty, try to

bear with me. I'm also pretty paranoid and untrusting but I have this crazy feeling that I can trust you(I still have that feeling). I'm not super needy for attention, I'm a

pretty boring person for the most part, we don't have to talk everyday and we never even have to hang out. I just need someone to talk to sometimes. So, can we be

friends?"

But, that probably would've had the opposite effect...

So I tried it the "normal person way" and tried to slowly build familiarity. It was around Christmas time. You seemed different than you were every other time I had seen you

before. Then another time I saw you after that in January and you were back how you were before. And then I saw you again and you were back how you were before

that. I entertained the idea that you had a twin sister that you were switching places with at work or something. That or just really moody. Or Bipolar as well, which, is fine

and would'nt scare me.



We spoke normally a few times and then something stupid happened...

I saw you one day and I suddenly noticed, you are actually really pretty. Like, I kind of hated how I hadn't notice before... suddenly I was coming in everyday but I wasn't

saying anything. Like I said before, at my job I don't work with people or do anything too distracting so all I do is think and all I thought about was you. Even though I had

"been with" People in the past, I never had what you'd call a crush. On anyone. Ever. This was new and I kind of liked it.

You were in my dreams but not how you'd think. I recall you mentioning you liked hot wings one time so in one dream I had I would make hot wings (cooking is a hobby of

mine and I'm pretty good at it) and you'd eat them and before you can critique them, I'd wake up. It was insufferable.

And in the thoughts of you I'd have, we'd literally just be sitting down talking or walking and talking. Sometimes we'd play chess or cards. That's it... I told you, I am lame

After the 3 year suffering I'd just had, this was really nice. Just thinking about you was enough to make me happy for a moment. It was nice while it lasted. Anyway, that

only lasted about 3 weeks and it passed. Because reasons, I'm not really a "carnal romance" type of person and you obviously weren't interested in that way that I could

tell anyway (which is fine) so it's good that it passed.

This made me want to be friends even more though. But, like I said, I don't really know how to make friends. I had never even asked you your name or told you mine at this

point.

This is where things got fucked up.

Unrelated stressful stuff happened. I couldn't deal, I started using again. I couldn't go back in that direction so I stopped.

That's when I made another mistake, I was impaired and I assumed we were more acquainted than we actually were. The whole "look you up on the internet" thing

happend. I couldn't help it, I had to know how you were able to handle people so well. Years back when I dealt with people I needed stimulants just to get through it and

depressants to wind down afterwards because I'd get so nerved up. There's a root to this behavior but I don't want to get into it.

I know I said I didn't snoop around on your blog, I wasn't lying. I only saw 2 reblogged post on the front page, one about depression and the other was this:

http://bit.ly/2o1hMXe

This is why I incorrectly assumed you were just like me (remember, I'm impaired in this scenario, I couldn't help but think that) Then the panic attack made EVERYTHING

worse. Afterwards I said something like, "I don't want to be the person who blames everything on their illness, I want to be accountable and not blame everything on

symptoms."

This was insolent. I never should have said something like that to you. Especially since someone said it to me once and I hated them for it. Symptoms are symptoms and

you can't control them, the end. I hate that I said that. I'm betting you had long since become uncomfortable with me but this is when you outright expressed it. My

stomach turned



The next time I saw you you turned around in mid-step and walked in the opposite direction. That shit was cold but I earned that

It sucked. And then you had this look of sheer disgust when you had to hand me my change...

Maybe I was already in a depressive episode (tbh, I can barely tell sometimes) but thinking about you made me feel incredibly guilty. It's all I could think about.

As if I hadn't learned anything, I went back to that messaging app to apologize again in late March BUT, I saw something on the front page. 2 reblogged quotes:

"People forget the importance of mental health and inner peace. If you’re taken care of on the inside everything else will align itself."

"The best way is to understand yourself, and then you will understand everything."

It was like, I was supposed to see these. I could have just scoffed at this and called it "wannabe enlightened fake Buddhist drivel" but I actually let it sink in.

I had an epiphany.

There's this kind of selfish thing I always did where I ignore other people's problems and highlight their strong points and make them out to be perfect or better so I never

have to feel bad for anyone but myself. It's like I'm the only one allowed to have a sad story and everyone else is living perfect lives. Only I should have sympathy. Only I

should be allowed to vent. My natural instinct when people talk about their problems was always to make a competition out of it and prove I had it worse. I never took

other peoples' perspectives into account

Since all I could think about was you finding me unnerving, I started thinking from your perspective to figure out why. It all became clear-ish

— Maybe when after I looked you up and saw your Tumblr, you thought I saw more than I actually did?
— Maybe you were embarrassed?
— Maybe you thought I would judge you?
— Or whatever else.

I never thought like this before.

The only thing I saw was the stuff about depression at the top of the feed. I wasn't looking around trying to invade in your personal space. And the truth is, like I

mentioned before I could already tell from the very first day I met you that you had depression. I know all the thoughts and behaviors that come with depression so nothing

I saw, even if I had seen it, would have surprised me or made me feel any differently.

I already know how it is.

Maybe (if you are as paranoid as I am) you could have assumed I had already had access to your Tumblr long before that and had been snipping information about you to

try and relate to you so I could cozy up to you or something and drop your guard or whatever. That's what I would have thought if I were you.

That's also not the case though, I didn't even know your name until that night. In fact, way back when I had that brief crush, I would just sit around and try to imagine

what your name might be. (I wasn't sure if you were Jewish, Lebanese, Jordanian, or Iranian so I would look at list of female names from those countries and guess from

those. Again, I am lame)

But then maybe it wasn't even that deep, maybe you just didn't like the idea of someone barging into your personal space like that. I get it.

Then I had that panic attack. You mentioned that I was "scaring you". I looked back on that from your perspective, and it doesn't look good.

You already seemed kind of shaky from the stuff before and here I was going into a panic and the only people around were just us. You didn't feel safe. I know that I

wouldn't hurt you or anything but you don't know that. How could you know that?

Then I said something about having "disassociative identity disorder" and kept calling myself weird and even after you said "everyone is a little weird", I challenged that by

saying "I'm weirder than everyone else"... in the middle of a panic attack... like you weren't scared/uncomfortable enough.

See, when you're in withdrawal, you're really sick but you also do a lot of hypochondriac thinking where you create symptoms and disorders that aren't there. I exaggerated

a dissociative disorder in my head that I don't have. There's a story to it but it's not worth getting into.

Maybe you thought I was some kind of creepy stalker guy who wanted to "have you" but didn't know how to properly express his "desires"? That's something else I would

have thought if I were in your shoes.

That's not the case either. "Physical relations" just don't appeal to me anymore. That book is closed. I'll just leave that at that.

Maybe you just think I'm nuts and don't want anything to do with me. That's fine too I guess. It's just, I've been doing a lot of thinking about not just what happened

recently but over the years. It wasn't until I met you that I started all this introspection.

So, when I said "You were just a complete stranger that got pulled into my bullshit", that's just not true. All of this was pretty paramount to me growing up a bit even if you

have been completely passive throughout. That makes you kind of important to me.

I just wish I hadn't screwed up and we had actually became friends. Maybe it's strange that I'm pressing this issue like this but it just bothers me a lot. I'm not trying to

manipulate or guilt trip you I'm just saying, sorry I hadn't thought about it from your perspective before. I'm actually done with all of it, I just wanted to clarify what my

intentions were since they may have been unclear

Back when I was doing all kinds of illegal shit, referring to all women as bitches and hoes, doing illicit drugs, being completely inconsiderate to other people, and just being

an asshole in general — everyone seemed to want to be friends and hang around me.

Now, all I want to do is connect with people, be at peace, talk, work on my art, eat healthy, excercise, save money, accept myself and grow — everyone wants to stay

away..

Granted, in this case, it was entirely on me.

(Coming out of an uninterupted 3 year long depressive episode is like waking up from a coma. Before, I pushed people away and wanted nothing more than to be alone. I

had plenty of friends, a wife and everything... then it all came crashing down and I finally got what I thougt I wanted, complete isolation. It was great for the first 2 months

or so but after that it was just, misery in it's purest form. You were the first person that I saw since I "woke up" that I actually liked. That's why I made such a big deal out

of wanting to be friends with you. My inner circle is empty these days. If were going to start a new one, I'd prefer to have someone like you in it, despite whatever, I think

you actually are a pretty good person.)