Notes

ok. Id just like to start off by saying this. People get depression wrong. its not when somethin makes you sad or mad. Or when a friend embarrasses you to the point of tears. Its different. Its like, when your sad, but a "special" kind of sad. Like one that feels like an empty hole you cant seem to climb out of. People at my school, some even being very good friends of mine, always making fun of the topic, saying "Oh I just have, depressive moments. Nope, that's called wanting attention. This "friend" I have, who I have been on and off with, is so over dramatic over stupid things. Always takes offense to things that no one even meant in a bad way anyway. Anyway, I wont drift into that since its a whole different topic that I'm not wasting my time and energy on. I'm talking about her apparent "depressive moments." Now this "friend" of mine is the most over dramatic person know, and I have put the pieces of the puzzle together and have concluded that no hun, you aren't depressed, I guess that she doesn't feel like she gets enough attention at home o whatever, which seems weird since she has the perfect family life. A mom and dad with two sisters. Then again I can't say what goes on when I'm not over her house, but she seems like a pretty happy kid. She would always go on that she has "severe depression" and that it just hits her randomly during class, or lunch. Me being someone that's actually suffered from diagnosed anxiety and depression, has realized, that's trying to make people feel sorry for you. Look if you were actually suffering you would seek help. And I cant say if she is or not, but I can say that you have done a lot to make me feel like I'm the reason... Anyway depression, starts with just complete sadness, but after a while its morphs into more of a numbness, numb to all emotion, just complete hopelessness, yeah I know what your thinking, that is so fake. You sound like a actor or something in a Rom-Com or something stupid like that, that one person that draws all the attention to themselves. Well, what I have to say to that is, I don't really care how you feel about it. That's my explanation of how I feel. and in all honesty the numbness... isn't like sitting curled up on your bed with tears in your eyes, that's what you see in those stupid short films, that is not how it is. Its more like, being able to just mask the depression with another emotion. Like I guess...in a way you kind of tell yourself, "Hey! you there! You! Are happy and you cant say anything about it! That is just how you are going to feel for right now!" Like that. The next topic people don't understand about depression is, YOU ARE ALWAYS DEPRESSED, YEAH HUNNY YOU GOT THAT PART RIGHT, ROUND OF APPLAUSE, but what the miss is the part about the whole masking it up. Like for example, rewind back to two days ago. I get home from school on a typical Friday afternoon. and unlike many days, school was actually bearable that day! But, when I go left home by myself, left with my feelings, the mask just starts to fade away, leaving you with what you started with... Then, my best friend face-timed me, something I really didn't want to do at the moment. And I just answered with a simple "hey", ya know? Had to put the mask back together, which I cant really do fast enough, so it seemed to her, that I hated her guts and that I really never wanted to talk to her again. Which is obviously untrue, because I wanted nothing more than to go to her house and talk about our stupid jokes. It, just didn't come fast enough to me. Eventually I as ale to "pull myself" together and put the mask back on. (Honestly not as dramatic as I made it sound. Same feelings, tier 2 phrases.) You know the usual preteen moves, the fun and cool talk about our jokes and obviously ranting about people we hate, then the awkward talk about whos house we would hang at, then the oh ill ask my moms and stuff like that. Finally in conclusion we would hang at her house at 530. And we hang up. And once more, left alone with my thoughts, great. back to the depression. Lets see then... fast forward 1 hour later, 430. Mom calls, "Hey hun! How are you?..."Fine", "Are you sure because if you need to talk you know you have me!" "I am fine mom thanks."
and the usual conversation. The point of all of this is, depression isn't, "OH MY GOD I AM DEPRESSED EVERYBODY PLEASE I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO" no. Mask. That word will be used a lot. Anyone drifting away from that person...And by the way as a side note, things will be very scattered during this so be prepared. Anyway, lets move on to a few more people who bring me down at least once a day. and I'm about to name all of them since its not just one person, its a handful of people so it will just be easier for me. thanks. So here are the winners, Jess Almonte, Adina Sosa, Gianna Buffa, Katie Vass, Isabella Antonnotchi, and lastly, Austin Straley. Ill explain him later though. So lets start in order, Jess, first I just want to state that I frickin love you, but you just make so many deprecating jokes about me that they start to hurt. The omg your ears look like a monkey or the, What even kind of shirt are you wearing! It looks so bad on you! Yes I am not like that other person I was talking about in the beginning, with the whole dramatic stuff, and getting offended about everything, ugh, don't even get me started. Anyway...with jess, I can't really tell sometimes if she ACTUALLY likes me or if she is just being nice to me sometimes. For example, Adina, jess and I, (Annie taught me proper grammar), were all hanging out and had a great time, filled with so much laughter and good times. I get back to my house and I'm talking to jess for a bit saying, things like "OMG did you see when Adina did this! It was SO hilarious! Or when I did that!" Or something close enough to that, idk it was an example And she responds with something like, "yeah" or just opening it and not responding, not just her but just people in general don't really realize that, that hurts dude like a lot. And very little things that they may just say and never think about twice, like something random that we say during the day with a friend that's like a random conversation you don't even remember having. And then saying a comment like, for example this happened in my social studies when we were playing 7 up, and a kid I've talked to more than a few times out of the blue said, "Wait I didn't know this kid was in our class" pointing at me, or like during the singing with the staff I was sitting next to a boy my friend liked and I was pointing at the judges and he screamed while looing at me said, "ew don't touch me you weirdo!" Like people just don't realize that the littlest things that you say actually might hurt someone... A lot. I have to say I'm pretty good with making sure I don't hurt anyone's feelings, sometimes I slip but hey, I'm human. Lets quickly run through these next people fairly quick, Adina. always and I man always saying how much of a "fucking failure" I am or a "Fucking dumbass" or both. Constantly calling me one of those, and she thinks of it as funny but it actualyy hurts my feelings a lot more than your average joe.