Notes

hi, bet this was unexpected right
i've been thinking about killing myself for some time now. almost a year. by the time your reading this i assume you've found me and i hope they carried me away carefully. i also hope that no one blames this on their self. i found a saying a couple of weeks ago from when i wrote this note. basically the saying was "killing yourself is only passing the pain to another person" i don't want to do that. i don't want people to feel like they didn't do anything to save me when they could have. i assume no one saw it coming and thats what life is right? little details or words can affect someones outlook on life. thats why i always used to wish i could be kinder. because one day i might have been the reason that someone ended their life.

if someone was to ask me what i hate about myself these are the things i would say
legs, arms, chest, arse, laugh, voice, nails, fingers, how clumsy i am, feet, stomach, hair, face, the bags under my eyes, how my eyes turn from green to grey, my skin, knees, how my veins are really visible, how i think, how i'm not smart, my handwriting, how annoying i am, i'm not kind, i lie, i pretend to think people care about me. i hate myself

reason number one; myself
grades. i was someone who used to compare myself to everyone around me. my friends were always so much smarter than me. one day at morning interval after doing a science test or math test (i can't remember) i asked a close friend of mine what she got as her grade, she replied something along the lines of "merit, its so so bad" my heart dropped to the floor. she then asked me what i got. i mumble "achieved" she looked at me with a fake smile and replied "thats so good" she was lying. she always got excellences and i've only got two or three in my whole two years so far at mags. i am used to not only being smart but being good at anything really.
one day i was sitting in class waiting for our english test results back. i have always dreamed and expected a excellence from any subject but i know that in reality i won't get it. i knew that the two girls in my class were smarter at english at me but i tried to ignore it. as we got the results back i found myself looking at a merit. my face was instantly tattooed with a smile but as the other two girls in my class got their test results back my tattooed had painfully been removed they had both been given back excellences. they both don't study and they didn't for that test, i did and yet i still did worse. just my luck.



how many suicides is it going to take to make people realise that words hurt
josh
i talked about you like you put the stars in the sky, i also looked at you like that