Notes

Do you have any idea what depression is like for me. Be glad you don't; it's horrible! Depression is like a nightmare. You have no control of what's going on. There is no way out and it feels like no one cares. No matter what i do I'm never good enough. I'll always be useless, not good enough. Worthless, and hopeless. I'm scared and lonely all the time. No matter what I'm doing or who I'm with the feelings are always there. It feels like an endless circle of guilt, worthlessness, pain, fear, and weakness. It feels like there is no point in trying anymore. It's an endless circle of failure. You feel empty, like you're not really existing. When you're breathing but doesn't mean you're alive. It's when it hurts to smile, hurts to laugh, huts to breathe.
Everything you do hurts and there's no getting away from it. No one understands what you're feeling. You're silent, but in reality you are screaming fro help and no one can save you. You're on your own from now on. Everything you do leaves you tired. Things you used to enjoy, they don't bring you to comfort anymore. The only thing that might bring relief is the feeling of a cold blade, the taste of alcohol, the smell of overdosed drugs. People will try to take these things away from you, but you won't let them. They don't know what it's like living with depression. It's your throat tightening up with every sob as you cry, making it harder and harder to breathe. It's every night hoping you don't wake up, then maybe the pain will finally stop, even though you know it won't. It's always lying when someone asks "How're you?" It's always feeling tired, even if you sleep ten hours. It's feeling so weak, every muscle in your body aching. Depression is all of those things and so much more. It's unexplainable. Only you know what your depression feels like. You know how horrible is it. You know it feels like it'll never end. And that's what drives you to the wall each and everyday. Killing yourself is always a debate. You want it for you benefit but you also don't want to leave people in tears. When all you want to be is happy. When dying is living. I wanna be happy and i'm not gonna be happy till i'm finally free and gone. Nothing sounds better than take a long dirt nap. i don't wanna be here and i think you can understand.