Notes

Non despair AU

Hajime is trans :)

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Hajime and I began dating a year ago. Hajime has been quite open with him being insecure about certain aspects of himself.

This week he'd been particularly stressed about something. You knew he was quite pessimistic normally, you both try to work everything through together.

However, you never pressured him to tell you anything he didn't want to. But this time you could tell it was something serious.

And it had something to do with you.

You both saw eachother after school everyday, your schedules were quite busy so you barely got to see eachother in the mornings.

You both were pretty dedicated students and helped within your own areas. That meant a lot of times even sacrificing your free lunch time to study or help other students.

However, you noticed that lately there was a slight change of tone in his voice when he said hello to you after class.

You convinced yourself you knew Hajime quite well, but hearing even that slight change in tone made you second guess yourself.

You couldn't put your finger on it.

Sorrow?

Shame?

It had to be negative.

You knew Hajime was open with you, so what was it that he couldn't tell you?

You tried to not get too frustrated.

Your POV

Realizing the bell had rung had not halted my train of thought nor calmed me at all.

I went to my classes, Hajime was on my mind all day.

I took the entire day looking back on every moment in our relationship.

I wasn't able to recall anything I had done incorrectly or anything that happened.

I finally heard the bell ring after my last class. Gladly neither of us had any after school things to attend to.

He was already at the gate. It was autumn and the leaves were falling.

I walked to him, still puzzled as to why he seemed to look even less happy than before.

I made it close enough to him to lean in for a small peck.

He returned it without hesitation.

I was glad that hadn't changed.

He grabbed my hand and we both began walking to my house.

My parent(s) enjoyed the company of Hajime and had gotten used to seeing him pass by to your room and sometimes even stay in the family room for a while.

Today my parents weren't home.

Hajime was looking at the sidewalk and at the street, his eyes shifted between the two.

I didn't want to ask him what was wrong here since others would take the same path for a while and you weren't too far from home.

I took in the scenery.

Hajime looked to me, "How was your day, Y/N?"

"Good. It wasn't very eventful, just the usual. Though I was a bit lost in thought all day." I responded.

"Lost in thought? What were you thinking about?" He asked.

I stepped up to the doorway, getting my lanyard from my bag and unlocking the door.

"Well, you of course." I responded.

"Ah, how sweet...?" He said, with slight suspicion.

I didn't try to make myself sound loving or sweet, and he could tell.

"No Hajime, I'm worried."

"Worried?" He asked.

We both walked in to the house.

He wrapped his arms around my torso and pressed his cheek to my back.

The door closed behind us both.

I turned slightly and he let go of my torso.

He looked at my face.

"You have been... kind of down lately? Is something wrong?" I asked him, wrapping my arms around his waist and pulling him closer to me.

He sighed. "I've just been lost in thought... sorry."

"Thats fine Hajime, there's no need to apologize. I'm just worried, whats been bothering you?"

"Its just... we've been together for a while and I know things are going escalate, and not in a bad way I do want them to... well I don't want them to but I dont not want them to... ugh... what I'm trying to say is I'm just worried I won't be able to uhm..."

He paused for a bit, I left him to think of what to say.

"Oh its so stupid... I'm just worried I won't be... what you expect? Or I... ugh I don't even know how to say it it's so embarrassing..."

I nodded, "That's fine Hajime, don't worry about it... I'm sure... if it has to do with our relationship we'll figure it out."

"You just... make it sound so easy."

"We're talking about having sex right?" I asked.

"Ah yeah... sorry."

"It's fine... If you're worried..." I began to think of what else to do.

"If you want we can try to figure everything out today so it doesn't keep bothering you?" I professed.

He hesitated for a bit. His heart beat picked up.

"Yeah... if you're okay with it."

"Alrighty then, if you're ready. So am I."

"Ah, not like... right now, now though." He added.

"Yeah, of course. Whenever you're ready." I smiled.

"Thanks... Y/N." He placed a kiss on my cheek and went off to shower.

This wasn't unusual, we spent most of our free time together yet still tending to our own things. It was nice to have eachothers company though we were off doing our own things.

I went to finish some work I had left undone for school.

He came out of the shower and I went in a bit after him.

I while later I came out of the shower, he had been sitting in bed also doing work.

"Ah, Y/N!"

He looked over at me.

He got up and went over to me, my hair was still a bit wet so I was drying it a bit more with the towel.

"Are you... uhm" He began to speak but didn't finish his sentence as if he didn't want to.

You knew he didn't do this in purpose, he jusr genuinely didn't want to say what he wanted because he was embarrassed.

"If you are, I am now." I sat on the edge of the bed, so did he.

He nodded.

I knelt down in front of him, between his legs.

Kneeling on the floor wasn't exactly the most comfortable, but I wanted him to feel good. So I disregarded it.

I began to pull his shirt off when I suddenly realized I'd never seen him without his shirt on?

I was quite surprised honestly, I had never even thought about being more physical before.

"Everything ok? We don't have to do this..." He said nervously, I kissed him and continued to unbutton his shirt.

His tie came off as well, I hadn't really payed attention but I'm sure he took it off.

I began to take off his undershirt, pulling my face away from his.

He had a bashful look on his face. Once I took of his shirt I noticed the two scars under his chest. They made a slightly curved shape under his nipples, and had another vertical scar leading up to his nipples.

I ran my fingers along his chest, and began to understand what he was so worried about.

I leaned in for another kiss, he melted into it as well. His face hotter than before.

I pulled my face away from his.

"I love you, Hajime."

He intertwined his fingers with mine, my other hand on his thigh.

I began to pull at the waistline of his pants. Unbuttoning and zipping them slowly.

I pulled his pants off completely and began pulling down his underwear as well.

When he was fully naked, I couldn't help but feel pure joy.

He trusted me so much he would show me his truest self, his naked body.

As if out of instinct I began to kiss his thighs, slowly inching closer to his growth.