Notes

we are laughing, you and i.

we’re walking down main street, enjoying the freedom we feel, looking at the shops in the dark of the night, and we’re laughing at the joke you just made about the couple making out in front of us.

that could be us, you joke, and we laugh about it and keep walking.

and suddenly we are not laughing. suddenly you pull me aside and ask me if i wanted to make it more than a joke and i’m asking you if you want to, and you do, i can see it on your face.

suddenly you are in my space and looking into my eyes and it’s so much, and i don’t know what to do, so i think about kissing you and what it would feel like.

you’re my best friend, and i don’t want to kiss you, but i want to kiss someone, and i think that maybe you could be a worthy substitute, so i laugh a bit and say why not, but then you’re so close to me and in my space and in my eyes and i just want it to stop.

we’re in the car and i’m apologizing over and over, and you’re telling me that i don’t need to apologize over and over, but you’re quieter than you were and not like i know you to be and i feel guilty.

i ask you if you’re okay, and you tell me you’re a bit hurt but it’s alright, and i ask if i led you on and you said i did, and i feel guilty. i apologize again and you say it’s fine again but you’re still so quiet and all i can hear is that you’re hurt and i led you on and i feel guilty.

i’m panicking, i want to make it better but i don’t want to kiss you and it feels like that opportunity has passed anyway, so i think of what i can do, and i decide that if i flash you you’d be happier and i could stop feeling guilty.

i tell you my plan and your face lights up and you immediately change course. and then we are in a gas station and i really don’t want to do this but i already led you on once and i don’t know what to do and you’re grinning eagerly and getting impatient so i just go ahead and get it over with. and it wasn’t fun but i did it and i figure everything is fine and then you pull your pants down.

and i do not want to do this. i don’t know what to do but it feels like i should not do this, i don’t want to do this, but you’re still grinning so eagerly and i don’t want to hurt you again and all i can think is that you never asked if i wanted to do this, my answer would’ve been no and maybe you knew that and just didn’t care but it’s too late because now i don’t have a choice because i still don’t want to hurt you.

i think it’ll be fast, i think if i just get it over with it’ll be done and i’ll never have to think about it again and if i just do it you’ll leave happy and i’ll leave knowing you’re happy and that’s the best i can get from this situation.

i do it. i do it and it’s not fast and it’s not fun and i try to focus on the fact that you’re happy now but i’m not and i can’t stop thinking about it, i can’t get the feeling out and i want to throw up. you’re back to normal, going on and on about how great it was and every other thing under the sun, but i didn’t think it was great or anything close to that, and i want to close my eyes and cry and never think about this again.

i make you promise not to tell anyone and you promise, and after a few days of talking about it i tell you i don’t want to discuss it anymore, and you agree. and i think that’s it, a mistake made but i can finally move on, and then our other friend tells me you told her everything and my life falls apart. because you did everything you promised not to and she knows all the dirty details, and a million other stories about how you’re not the friend i thought you were come out, and i’m cutting you out because i can’t even look at you, and all i can remember is laughing with you under a streetlight on main street before it all happened.

we’re not laughing anymore.