Notes

Conversation with mommy
all th things you both have mentioned, it's not like i didn't already think of it myself, I'm not being ignorant about it, and I do know how important this stuff is
but like I've been trying to say I've been trying to change since, this whole thing started
I've literally tried everything, read eve5thing, actively tried to worked on myself, but it has always just resulted in going back
. I already beat myself for failing on these things, like too much because i already what know what you guys have to say, but the pressure and expectations already leads ahead of me, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm still struggling
and its just getting worse, now it's resulted, in excessive worry and with that comes more procrastination, and all sorts of personal problems ive been going through

to really explain it, i often think about how this has been the lowest point ive ever had in my life, and i know its not evne that big compared to other things people have gone through
, however, there is no way i can fully explain what im "going through" to you because you just simply won't understand. evwn me i can't fully explain it but i already know with what you say in our conversations there are some parts you don't understand.
however, i personally think and feel that by just adding more pressure and judgment instead of trying to address the specific problem doesn't help me in fixing the issue

like i didn't want to even mention this that started this whole argument when mommy started joking about sat in the car, but i was hopeful that maybe the way and approach to address this would change
after all you did say in that one devotion day that I should not feel as if I can't come to my parents for anything
but literally with everything that's going on with me and all the mess i am in, i never feel as if i can come to you for help

and like i said trust me ive already been beating myself up with all this stuff, to the point where ive come to regret my choices, and hate the way practically everything
but back to the main point with SAT there were many issues that led to this
- because of how much ive struggled more than anything really in ,y life academically + all the stuff that's happened in the past year i started to slack and just want to give it up
- the lack of accountability I had (not pressure, actual support and encouragement) now i know this is not mandatory there are times you have to encourage yourself i know that but idk why but i wasn't able to do this for myself (maybe because i didn't have a driving reason to my goal, or because it was hard, or because I just slacked off

i often when going through my things, papers, plans,e.t.c (basically effort i made to change) i get so sad because i see i tried, i see the plan or steps I took/wanted to take but then I see my life now and see it hasn't changed

i know i can't afford to mess this up because of how much sat plays in, but it's gotten to such a low point where i couldn't "Force my self to change" like you said you had to do because you had no choice, now yes that is partly because i am privileged and didn't go through the circumstances where that was the only option but idk it still hadn't worked
but the thing is, regardless of sat or not, just taking away the things I prefer to do (or enjoy more compared to studying) (i personally feel as it won't make much of a difference because that is not the real problem) even before the job i stills struggled in these same ways with SAR in silence (if anything number wise before the job it was a level 4 and now is a 5 level)
why?
- i can never articulate my opinions and thoughts in detail when arguing with you, especially since I can't say stuff without being beaten or threatened.
there are also things I don't feel comfortable telling you or seeking help with because every time i do you just
- criticize
- see it as insignificant or stupid
- completely ignore the situation or push it off
- chastise me even when i know it was wrong
or just making me feel worse about myself by calling me stuff
now im not saying that these things shouldn't be done, of course if something is wrong, you nee d to tell me the impotantce or punish me or whatever the case may be but its gotten to the point where there are so many things you don't even know about me, because i can't bring myself to tell you.


now in moving forward to fix the problem,
i personally will not just ignore it and will keep trying to do well on the SAT
but honestly, i will need help because at least from what I've seen, whatever I am doing isn't working
and the help needs be actually supportive, like (read-only if they ask how to be supportive)
- supporting them through mistakes and challenges
- encouraging me in a positive way and not a negative way
- helping me to make a plan that I will actually be motivated to follow!
- listening and understanding my concern too,(not this doesn't mean if I'm wrong, just to follow it's just so that I can be heard too)


sat
- stay out of trouble and remember it is just for this two weeks
- literally pray for a friend that has high hopes and aspirations
- it will be boring but resist the temptation and the small time you put now will make a big difference
doubt
- too late - two weeks is enough, you just have to drop of some tings
- speak it into existence using the truth (the word)

problems in life
- believe in yourself and your God, Go can turn your mistakes into testomonies
spiritual discipline
- just simply be sincere with yourself and do what you need to do, be patient with yourself and lean on God for help, but choose to obey and do the right thing FOR HIM and all that he has done for you
support
- come to mommy after every day and summarize in three sentences what you did and they will actually respond
4 hours of sat every day
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