Notes

another weekend, alone, crying myself to sleep, thinking about whether i should continue this miserable life or just give up. I'm tired of having to live with myself, have to handle everything my family throws at me, my mother's boyfriends, having your life controlled, as if i'm on observe mode. It's tiring, oh but ''you never showed any signs, you just want attention'', I did, you just never noticed. YOU mother, need your male validation, I'm over it by now, I need friends. I can't handle everything, Losing both your father figures and having them to die thinking you hated them, being sexual assaulted in the same week your dad dies by your mother's husband, HER NOT CARING and still loving the man that tried to rape your daughter, wanting to stay with him, blaming it all on me, because I'm so hard to deal with, right? who could ever tolerate to live with me? I know. Don't say you gave up everything for me when I also did, Do you think it was ever easy to leave my girlfriend, my friends, a good chance of life to go back to a miserable life of just having to watch you cry and blame it all on me? Don't tell me it's different because it was a marriage, It isn't. If he actually had loved you, he wouldn't have been attracted TO YOUR KID, and honestly, do you really think he hasn't made a move in other women when he had the courage to do it to me?,please.
The ONE thing I've ever wanted was to be happy, and that only happens when i'm away from the people I call my ''family'', If you love someone like family, you don't choose a relationship over them, you don't treat them the way you all did. But I AM the selfish one, right?
Having to be the one to always defend yourself from everyone isn't easy, I could barely count on one hand how many times a family member has defended me, including you, mom.
I wish I had my friend's lives, their understanding and non-easy manipulative, loving or careless parents. It's all I've ever wanted.
Having to hear your own family cursing you, telling you how bad of a person you are all the time, and after all this, I can't lose my apatite? Having another boyfriend of my mother's to control my entire life again, it's exhausting to have to go back to the same fucking spot all over again.
Waking up everyday wishing it's your last, eating nothing or everything you see, I don't need a therapist, I need to be happy, staying home like a prisoner while your mother is happy and in love, having someone, which not even that I have, But I guess I deserve it right? I deserve not getting the chance to be happy, to enjoy my life like my friends, who party till 5am and go home to their parents while I can't even go anywhere.
''you still have a big life ahead of you'', no, I don't., and you never bothered to understand that, if it were up to me, I wouldn't even be here anymore, but yeah thanks for not letting me enjoy anything just because you're old and want to keep your kid miserable.