Notes

After The Beak Up
A week and a half ago, my ex (Stephanie) and my ex bestfriend (Mariah) were together. They called me through the phone and it scared me, I thought I would get a heart attack but that would just be exaggeration, Mariah would ask me questions throughout the call, such as, "Are you still into Stephanie?", "Have you dated anyone after the break up?", "We're you sad because she left you?" I answered the questions truthfully because there was no point in lying, I told her that I do still like Stephanie and that I didn't date anyone after the breakup (I didn't really date anyone and I was just talking to people, they knew I was still into Steph and that I wasn't serious with any other relationship besides the one with Stephanie) and I was sad after the break up, I didn't let myself sleep until I actually did better, until I actually improved.
After A week of the break up, I was really hesitant to even wake up, it was a feeling I hadn't had in a long time, it was torture to myself knowing I was the one who pushed her away, the fear of losing her really was strong and the moment she left, I fell. Though I did miss her, I thought to myself, "maybe it's best that she didn't talk to me, I need my time and she needs to heal from everything I did to her." October was commencing and I remembered Stephanie's birthday was coming, her birthday was on October 10th. During the week before Stephanie's birthday, I would talk to my friend, Ashley, who I've been helping with her problems, she was looking for a gift to get Stephanie while also having boy troubles. I had to help Ashley get with a boy who goes by the name of Juan, she was really into him and I knew I just had to help, fortunately Juan felt the same about her and they got together, all thanks to me of course. Right after that, Stephanie's birthday had arrived and I was stuck in Mexico while she lived in the United States, I'm glad I wouldn't be able to see Stephanie because of the fact that I would have tried anything I can just to talk to her. I was manipulative and I hate the fact that I manipulated her even while knowing she was weak, if I could I would take it all back, but for now all I can do is forgive myself and improve myself. The same day as Stephanie's birthday, I went out with my family to drink, of course I was at proper age to drink seeing how I was only 15, but my brother allowed me to drink anyway. I don't think he actually knew what was going on, I will say he helped out, but I seriously doubt he knew what happened to me. After that day, nothing really changed, I would still think about Stephanie and remember all the times she was so loving to me, I would stay alone listening to music and rarely cry, but I cried for hours.
The month of October had ended and I was still a helpless kid in November, I had started talking to a girl named Paola because I felt so empty that I tried looking for someone to talk to, though she knew I was never serious about dating her, she would act as if we were really dating, I felt bad and found a way to drive her away. Around the time of November is when I started the change, I would wake up early and give myself that purpose to live, what was that purpose? It was to improve myself for when I see Stephanie again, unfortunately, that was the time I basically sealed my demise. I tried to change for someone else other than myself, if you have no love for yourself, then you have no love left to give. With that being said, I would not completely change because of the fact that I did it for someone else, I tried so hard but failed I would still wake up early, but I would slowly lose hope all over again. It was a cycle I wish I could have ended, I would only keep the cycle going throughout the whole month. Note: we did not celebrate Thanksgiving, that is an American holiday.
December came along and I was left with nothing an empty whole in my heart, quite a few actually. this would almost make it a year since we've started living in Mexico, the time of Christmas didn't feel the same, it all felt dead and empty, the only time it felt good was when we would blast Christmas music from the speaker. This would be the time our parents left throughout the day every week. My siblings and I would cook our own food, we would make everything we loved, breakfast sandwiches, breakfast burritos, and all other types of foods we used to eat in the U.S. December would also be the time my friend and I started talking more, my friend's name was Jarelie, she would leave me accompanied throughout all of December. A person I forgot to mention from the beginning of the story was Grecia. Grecia was a friend who would helped me through ever problem I faced, but I'd keep it in small detail rather than telling her everything that I actually felt. Jarelie would play games with me and we would always be laughing, we would even stay awake sometimes. The time I had with Jarelie was fun, the thought of having a friend such as her was fine with me. Christmas came and I would be alone, but my parents planned a party, so I wasn't so alone for long, that day was the day I hung out with a new friend, she lived next to me, her name was Pamela, although I would call her Paloma because she always felt so free of care but kept her priorities straight. Paloma is Spanish for pigeon and pigeons are always so care free, they always strive to live their life as long as they have food. A week after that was New Year's Eve and again, my dad planned a party for us to have, Me and Paloma have tried staying up until we couldn't stand, she fell shortly after 4am and I stayed up till 8am, the time of New Year wasn't anything special but a valuable memory all the same.
It's January and already in the beginning, I fucked up, I started talking to the girl Paola again and we ended the fake relationship after a week, this was a wake up call, this why I said I lead myself to my demise, this was the day that I realized that I shouldn't change for anyone else but myself. I started off low but I have gained the power of self-respect, with that I also realized that I have been obsessed with Stephanie, I was never in love, only obsessed. I was an asshole for putting her through all of that, with that in mind, I decided to change for myself, to show myself I'm worthy of life in this planet. This was the month I actually starting to do change, I started off slow but I was making progress, my friend Grecia would tell me that with this change, Stephanie would actually have me as her boyfriend once more, but I mainly was doing this for myself and I didn't want to lose the opportunity to actually change. I took a break for myself from everyone and the more I looked at myself in the mirror and the more I saw "Loone" A self program where I talk to myself and resolve my issues. I started off with Loone and I would talk to myself about how I messed up and I didn't want to anyone the same way I did in the past, unfortunately I have hurt someone again on January 30th. With that, Loone ended and I blamed myself.
February came and I decided to start Loone again, but this time I called it "Loone 2" because of the fact that I was trying not to commit the same error, but Loone 2 was short lived since I wasn't really changing much around the first week of February, after Loone 2, I decided to start "Loon3", it was basically Loone 3, but I was more creative witht the name. Again Loon3 was short lived since I broke the cycle of wanting to improve, Loone 2 and Loon3 were failures. February 14 came and for those who don't know, it was Valentine's Day, I had no one in particular to spend Valentine's Day with so I was kinda alone that day, but it didn't bother me, this was the start of Loone 4, I started seeing myself as me and I started to feel and see the change, nothing much had change. My mental state has not been this good throughout the year, but then again it was barely the start of the month. Three days later, Mariah and Stephanie texted me, I felt dizzy and nauseous, I didn't want to throw up and they said they wanted to call, it's been so long since I've seen a text from her and it was so sudden. I brought my thoughts together and decided to answer the call, as it turned out, Mariah wanted tot alk to me about everything, she asked so many questions and I answered truthfully, that whole call had my heart racing, but after the call, my heart calmed down and so did my thoughts. I had felt so guilty that I didn't want to wake up after that night, but I refused to give up on Loone 4. Loone 4 would be the start I needed, no matter how much I fall, I won't stay down, I'll bring myself up and win. Ten days later, here we are, It's the present day. February 27th, I'm ready to keep the change going and I will not fall in Loone 4, If I do happen to fall, then I will better everything even more Loone 5. No matter ho any times I feel down, I'll pull myself up. Something I forgot to mention in between all of this is that I started doing audio recording to also help relieve everything I have on my mind. I will only continue to write whenever I feel it necessary,